Wow. It's been ages since I posted here. By way of paltry explanation for my lacklustre effort: First off, I found myself working in the fricking warehouse again. When I said "I got fired from the warehouse" I was lying. I didn't really get fired, my assignment came to an end. And then they wanted me back to do a stock check, which is a very arduous and irritating process. Then I got a job in a a bank processing payments. "Is banking where you wanted to end up?" asked one of my colleagues during routine chitchat. I told her that it wasn't. The question took me by surprise and brought me to the realisation that some people must think "Gosh, I wish I could get into banking! That'd be really cool!" Turns out I've achieved someone else's ambition. Great.
I can't really imagine ever being enthusiastic about any line of work - I'll always look on it as a terrific inconvenience, consuming more of my time and energy than do my friends and family, and offering only a living wage in return. I'm supposed to process one hundred and eighty nine payments a day and, although I start out with good intentions, after about thirty, I find myself staring into space, thinking of nothing at all and utterly unable to remember where I am or what I'm doing. Anyhow, I'd better get on to Neighbours before this turns into one of those blogs where I reveal my thoughts and feelings; a prospect which revolts and terrifies me. I use triviality as a way to preserve my traditional aspect of tightlipped reserve and my intensely private personality. Anyhow, it's only a matter of time before my bosses realise that I have no real aptitude for administrative work, and politely let me go. Until then it's a steady income, I guess, but one which severely restricts the time I am able to devote to Neighbours and to this blog. I get back from work and my wrists ache from typing and my eyes itch from staring at the screen all day. Seriously, I haven't even been able to watch the show for weeks. I've got it set to series record on SkyPlus and now the hard drive is awash with tacky Australian flotsam and jetsum. Yesterday, I had to delete Crimes and Misdemeanours and The Long Good Friday to make room for more episodes. I hope that neither of them were good films.
With no more ado, to Neighbours, to Neighbours ho:
The depraved internet searches continue. Some of my latest hits were generated by people trawling, variously, for "Neighbours Rosetta lingerie pics", "Pepper Steiger, naked" (props for the decorous little comma, anonymous visitor) and, horrifyingly, "Zeke Kinski shirtless". It occurs to me that the more sexual terminology I use, the greater my hit rate will be. To this end, I'll be throwing in words and phrases like "nude", "orgy" and "covered in spunk" to attract the more libidinous, crepuscular Neighbours enthusiasts. They are, of course, precisely the sort of people with whom I want to be associating. Get your hat and coat, we're a-going fishing for Neighbours fans who've got the horn.
With the next couple of entries I intend to try and bring myself more or less up-to-date. In order to expedite the process I ceased taking notes a while ago, so this is going to be freer and looser than previous instalments. I'll try and treat with each separate story strand individually and see how it goes.
The answer to the last cryptic clue was 'Bob'.
Neighbours to 16/03/07
The Steigers, or "PEPPER STEIGER TAKING IT FROM BEHIND"
As you'll remember, when last I wrote of Senior Sergeant Allan Steiger he had embarked upon a camping/hunting trip with the 'metrosexual' (effete city-dwellers as opposed to motherf***ing) Will and Frazer. The trip brought the two young girlie-men to the realisation that they were not, in fact, Aussie males in the truest sense of the words. Will wussed out of hunting the boar according to some esoteric point of morality. It went against his personal credo to "kill for pleasure." He was perfectly prepared to eat the boar later, though, which rather undermines his ethical position. I was inclined to agree with Steiger when he said that nothing annoyed him more than "you boys from the city who think that meat comes on a polystyrene tray". Steiger forced Frazer to hunt the singularis porcus (thank you, Asterix the Gladiator) and, when he failed to kill it with a crossbow, to skin and disembowel it in readiness for cooking it. Frazer was horrified by the "killing. The gutting. It's done something to [Steiger]. Something horrible." Cue Steiger, offscreen, screaming like Tarzan. "We have crossed into a dark, horrible world," Frazer told Will, "and Steiger is the deranged king." I think they were going for some sort of spoof Apocalypse Now / Heart of Darkness vibe with this scenario. It didn't really work.
At night, Will and Frazer lay alone in the tent as Steiger stalked around outside reciting something or other. A bit like Marlon Brando as Colonel Kurtz, unscripted, intoning TS Eliot's The Hollow Men in Apocalypse Now. Steiger's madness was not induced by the horrors of the Vietnam war, however, but by his divorce. He was in mourning for his relationship with Chris. He had a teddy bear, which was rather a lazy way of trying to make him look like a rounded character. The hunting expedition done, Steiger and Pepper were a party to the rescue of Janae (of which more later) and the stripy Poo Poo (who, in a fascinating and consistently hilarious storyline spent too long in a tanning booth) continued to Parent Trap Allan and Chris.
I remember back in the early days of this blog I wrote:
"I have a horrible suspicion that Janae's boss is going to turn out to be Pepper's mother - Mrs Steiger. Janae disagrees with me, and leaps to the conclusion that they're a pair of lesbian lovers. It transpires that I am right - Janae is left with egg on her face and looks surprised to find out that feminism is not necessarily tantamount to lesbianism."
How naive I was! Of course feminism is tantamount to lesbianism! Chris Steiger is, it transpires, of Sappho's persuasion just as Janae intuited from her feminist bent. And that's in despite of the fact that she emphatically wasn't gay a few weeks back. Whatever. I suppose you have to generate storylines somehow. Maybe the writers have a wheel o' plot which they spin when they're deciding what's going to happen on Ramsay Street:
" 'And Chris Steiger is ...' go on Keith, give the wheel a good spin. That's it.' " Then the wheel spins through 'Suffering from cancer', 'Pregnant', 'Addicted to clubbing', 'Evil' and so on before landing on 'Gay'. Anyhow, she'd been carrying on with her housemate and Janae saw them kissing in the garage, but was sworn to secrecy. A secret she managed to keep, despite several crises of conscience. Janae counselled Chris to tell her family. She was about to tell Poo Poo, but desisted from so doing when her daughter showed herself to be homophobic. Steiger decided to propose to Chris over Christmas lunch but was persuaded to await Pepper's signal. Apparently, she knows her mother's body language or something. Anyway, the signal was to be Pepper sneezing twice, which was a singularly chuckleheaded plan since Pepper is allergic to just about everything. This 'amusing' plot device lurched unevenly towards me with a big, stupid grin on its face until - lo and behold! - Pepper sneezed twice "accidentally" and Steiger launced headlong into his proposal. Chris, backed into a corner, came out to her family and Pepper was horrified. Steiger, by contrast, took the news very well. He's quite something that Steiger.
House of Hotties, or "WILL GIVES FRAZER SOME HOT GAY LOVING"
The House of Hotties was home to my favourite plot development of the last few weeks. I really enjoyed the schadenfreude of the eviction story strand. The build up was tedious - Frazer and Pepper announced that their engagement was a sham. One of them had to go. Will sided with Frazer and Rosetta with Pepper. Ned Boringbelly had the deciding vote. Yadayadayada. Lots of hilarious attempts to butter him up and deride one another. He copped out, making everyone in the house eligible for eviction. Just like in Big Brother. I think this may have been a sly in-joke, because Blair McDonough, who played Ned's brother Stuart (he of Life Mechanics, and stalwart policing) was a runner-up on the Australian version of Big Brother. Of course, Stuart left Erinsborough to care for his mad wife Sindi. He probably keeps her locked in his attic now, just like Mr Rochester in Jane Eyre. Ned's eviction gambit was met with Rosetta's (quite correct) withering assertion that it wouldn't change anything. Pepper and she would still vote for Frazer and the Boyz would still vote for Pepper. Ned would be in precisely the same situation. Idiot.
The good bit came later - Ned came up with a cunning plan to continue to sit on the fence. Rather than voting with either faction, he would vote for himself. The first name out of the hat was, predictably, Frazer. Rosetta's doing. Then everyone exchanged looks of puzzlement when Boringbelly's name was drawn from the ballot box only for the beaming Ned to reveal that it was he himself who had put it there!
Having neatly sidestepped the responsibilities incumbent upon enfranchisement, and so screwing his housemates over, he sat back to watch the whole process once again reach a stalemate. Except Frazer voted for Will. Something about alpha maledom or whatever. Will had the same idea as Ned - of using Ned's name as a way of opting out of the electoral process. When I was involved in student politics, we used to have a joke name which served the same purpose. If no joke name was supplied, then the option simply appeared as RON (re-open nominations). To be RONned in a one-horse race must have counted amongst the biggest humiliations in student politicking: It meant that more people disliked you than liked you. Ouch. Anyhow, Ned now had two votes with Pepper's ballot still to be revealed. She voted for ... Ned. So, by trying to preserve his neutrality, Ned in fact secured his eviction from the house. Served him right. I hope you're listening, Switzerland, there are important lessons to be learned here. Ned moved into Toadie's office with him for a spell, before taking Steph up on an offer to move in with her in return for his services as a babysitter.
Bishop household, or "SKY MANGEL'S BREASTS, LACTATION FETISH"
Nothing much to report here. Dylan suddenly shut up about suing for paternity for no readily apparent reason. Possibly he had a rare moment of clarity, and realised that he was being an arse. So Sky can keep baby Kerry. She was still pretty miffed about Karl's moralising and incompetence and threatened to report him to the medical board, and then she didn't report him to the medical board. It made for some great television, I can tell you. Loris left Harold (and her family) so that she could go and find the Baxters and make amends for her baby-swapping sin. Mishka was deported and Lou got a job as an air steward so that he could continue to see her. No, really. Lou Carpenter now works for Bonzair as an air steward. I'm not kidding. He really is an air steward. He and Toadie threatened them with a discrimination lawsuit and they took him on. It must be a contender for Neighbours' stupidest ever storyline. I think that's it really. It's been pretty quiet on this front.
Kinski/Kennedy residence, or "OODLES AND CANOODLES! KARL GIVES NED A PEARL NECKLACE"
This, together with Lyn and Paul's wedding, is where most of the Neighbours writers' creative energy has been expended. Katya lured Guy into the woods in order to threaten him with her gun but ended up getting shot herself. It had been a while since the coma ward at Erinsborough hospital had been inhabited by a major character, so I guess we were overdue. While she was unconscious, details of her car stealing emerged and Steiger looked pretty grave and serious about it all. Guy of Gisbourne, meanwhile, discovered that Katya had shortchanged him, and surmised that she had hidden her ill gotten gains somewhere. He went looking for it. At one point, Harold caught him digging up the allotment. You know, the allotment that's always being mentioned and we've seen so many times before.
Zeke discerned the fact that Guy was evil, but no one believed him. Guy then threatened Zeke over Katya's recumbent form but, luckily, Katya woke up and defibrilated him. She and Zeke fled, and then she was arrested. Karl and Susan raised her bail, but then disagreed as to whether she should be allowed to move back in with them. Meanwhile, in despite of all the ruckus, Rachel went on a work experience placement on Libby's newspaper. Over Christmas. When her sister was in a coma. This was among the least credible attempts to write an actor's holiday into the script. Despite getting a reprieve from an investigation by the medical board, Karl resigned as a doctor and is now a shiftless waster. It's become a running joke that he can't go into music, because, as we all know, he's launched a 'successful' singing career.
Casa de Hoyland, or "TOADIE, STEPH AND BOYD RAMPANT THREESOME"
Boyd continued to harrass Elle. And then he stopped when Paul told him not to. Toadie had a cancer scare that turned out to be nothing, but had the effect of nudging him ever closer to Steph. Rex, Janae's new boss, turned out to be a lech. She put up a sign outside his premises telling potential customers that this was the case. Rex dismissed her for this stunt. However, not before he'd locked her in his office and threatened to molest her. Janae threw a wrench at his head. She's making a habit of it - she also threw a wrench at Frazer that time. Luckily for her, Steiger and Pepper happened to be passing the garage and heard her shout out. Rex pressed charges against Janae, but dropped them when Steiger proved that he was, indeed, a lech. In the Christmas special, Toadie, Steph, Katya, Zeke and Charlie found themselves held hostage by Guy of Gisbourne. Zeke saved the day by dealing Guy a mighty blow with a paperback book. Possibly it was Ascending the Elevator of Love by Henrietta Crawford. Toadie then spent ages getting out of the house. I'm not kidding. He was in there for, like, a week while the others huddled together outside. He didn't pick Guy's gun up off the floor either, because he ended up getting shot in the back. Poor Toadie. He was only in the house because he was covered in green and needed to shower. Steph accompanied him to hospital, and Boyd looked pensive. Yet another major character had lapsed into a coma. There's one for the drinking game: "drink a finger everytime you hear a heart monitor." There followed a peculiarly unengaging scene where Toadie fought for his life. And then died. The doctor pronounced him dead and everything. Then, though without generating any tension or interest, he rose like Lazarus. There was zero impetus throughout the whole scene. He'll be fine in a couple of episodes no doubt.
The Robinsons, or "PAUL, ELLE AND LYN INCESTUOUS SEX GAMES."
I won't bore you with the details of Lyn and Paul's wedding preparations and, have no doubt, they were wedgie-inducingly dull. At one point Lyn lost her engagement ring in a lake which might have been an allusion to the time when the exact same thing happened to Izzy, but, more likely, signalled that the writers had forgotten all about that storyline and thought they'd had an original idea. Suffice to say, that Paul fell for Rosetta in the wine cellar, imagined her walking up the aisle, hesitated and then married Lyn and then left her in a Novotel on the first day of their honeymoon. I didn't much care, and was more puzzled by the fact that they were staying in a Novotel rather than in Lassiter's. They were en route to the Maldives via Melbourne airport, so it would have been just as easy, cheaper and more pleasant to stay in the penthouse suite in Paul's own hotel.
A word on hotels in Neighbours: The Lassiter's complex is the foundation of Paul's business empire. He owns forty nine percent and does pretty well out of it. In point of fact, he's a millionaire. I often idly wondered how much Lassiter's could possibly turn over being located, as it is, in an obscure Melbourne suburb and consisting only of a hotel, a bar, a law office/doctor's surgery and a coffee shop which also sells envelopes.
Come to think of it, I've never actually seen anyone buy an envelope from the General Store. If I ever fulfil one of my ambitions and get to be an extra on Neighbours, I'll ask the director if I can be drinking my coffee and then remember that I have something that I desperately need to get in the post and rush to the counter to buy an A4 jiffy bag.
When the Timminses also got rich through Lassiter's, I began to get suspicious. Why did this modest complex make anyone who touched it incredibly rich? I started to think that maybe it was a front for some elaborate money laundering operation. Or that it was magic. The mystery was solved for me when, in a throwaway line, Paul revealed that Lassiter's is, in fact, a multinational chain of hotels. Will (aka Sebastian) is, it turns out, another millionaire whose money derives from his family's interests in ... a chain of hotels. When the writers think of wealth and success their minds automatically turn to the hospitality industry as the wellspring of prosperity. I think that they must have played too much Monopoly. Paul started out with just a house on Erinsborough (the equivalent of the Old Kent Road on the Monopoly board), then two, then three, then four. Then he razed all of his houses and erected a hotel.
Last episode I saw, Lyn was still in the Maldives with Oscar. Elle was disgusted with her father, meanwhile, and left Ramsay Street to return to Tasmania. On her way there, she saw Max in a supermarket carpark. He seems to have acquired another family, which might be a neat way of making emotional (and sexual) congress between Steph and Toadie morally sanctionable. I wouldn't have judged them anyway, but, you know, the Neighbours writers can be terribly priggish. Elle communicated her discovery to Janae, who posited that maybe Max had had two families all along and never in fact worked on the oilrig. Which would be a good theory if Gus hadn't been a friend of his from the oilrig. And we hadn't actually seen Max making a phone call from the oilrig. If it turns out that Max has been a bigamist all the while I've been watching Neighbours I'll be very cross. Because it doesn't stack up. It's credible that Janae and Elle could think that though, because they never met Gus and they don't watch Neighbours. I'll have to wait and see.
Right - that's all I'm going to write for now. I'll endeavour to bring you completely up to speed in the near future. It might have to wait until next weekend, when I've got a clear run at it. Until then, it's back to watching Neighbours inexorably deflating into a limpid pile of nonsense, seeing the restless turnover of actors and characters and counting the hours until the show is axed. Laterz.
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