One of my friends remarked the other day that his favourite Neighbours character is Steiger, because "he's both two-dimensional and three-dimensional at the same time." I'm not entirely sure what he means by this gnomic statement. In his Aspects of the Novel (1927) EM Forster observed that Dickens' characters are essentially flat "(Pip and David Copperfield attempt roundness, but so diffidently that they seem more like bubbles than solids)" he goes on to say that:
"Nearly every one [of Dickens' people] can be summed up in a sentence and yet there is this wonderful feeling of human depth ... It is a conjuring trick; at any moment we may look at Mr Pickwick edgeways and find him no thicker than a gramophone record. But we never get the sideway view. Mr Pickwick is far too adroit and well-trained."
Is this what my friend meant too? Is he claiming Pickwick's artfulness for Allan Steiger? I'll hazard a guess that he isn't. I think what he's alluding too is a kind of unintentional character-building. Steiger doesn't need a sentence to sum him up, only one word: 'policeman'. However, the writing in the show cannot sufficiently conjure a 'policeman' and this deficiency animates the character; it gives him a soul, or the shadow of a soul. He is fallible, absurd, unpredictable, just like a real human being. Further, the demands of writing a show that airs five times a week mean that he frequently needs to break with the straits of his character in order to provide the requisite amount of comedy, pathos and plot to sustain the programme. Steiger's status as an auxiallary character helps him as well. We are not privy to every aspect of his life as we are with his fellow cast-members. We are left to fill in the gaps ourselves, and, in so doing, we do most of the work of establishing his character and his humanity. The more we see of him, and the better delineated his character traits and his role within the show, the less credible he will seem. The illusion of three-dimensionality will be gone. Ironically, it is his very flatness and the diffidence with which he has been created that convince us that he might be less of a stereotype than he is.
The answer to the last cryptic clue was 'Toadie'.
Neighbours 07/02/2007
Previouslys - we get Katya and Guy talking about whether or not he's trustworthy; Ned getting knocked down by Katya; Boyd and Elle talking about the PI; Boyd witnessing Steph and Toadie's kiss.
The episode's title is "Ned Ache" and it ranks among the worst puns I've ever heard.
Hoyland 房子 (that's Chinese for 'house'). Toadie and Steph are still kissing from yesterday. Steph notices Boyd looking on. He turns and rushes away. She pursues him, but is too slow. She returns to Toadie. "We'll work it out," Toadie says in an attempt to reassure her. "No!" repudiates Steph. "No we won't work it out."
Ext. carpark. Karl and Ned. Karl's car is gone. What a surprise! I didn't see that storyline lumbering clumsily towards me from a mile away. He sees Ned on the ground. "I got smashed by someone," explains Ned. He apologises that he wasn't able to prevent the theft of Karl's car. Karl magnanimously absolves him of responsibility for it.
Ext. road. Katya realises that she's stolen Karl's car. Whoops! She looks disgusted, then hears a siren and drives away.
주홍 막대기 (Korean for 'Scarlet Bar'). Janae and Boyd. "With Toadie?" says an incredulous Janae. "Didn't take long to move on, did she? ... If you ever fooled around on me, I'd slap you so hard ... I can't believe she'd be this cheap! We have to move out." Boyd has been oddly passive throughout Janae's diatribe, but suddenly comes to life at this last suggestion. "Why?" he asks, alarmed. "We can't hang around with Toadie and Steph carrying on," explains Janae. "We are married. Don't you want to live with just me?" Boyd doesn't: "Steph still needs me. What would Dad think if I just walked out on her and Charlie?" He'd think: 'That's exactly what I did. Well done son - carrying on the family tradition!' Enter Steph. She wants a word with Boyd. In private. "Don't mind me," sulks Janae. "I'm just the wife."
Scarlet Bar office. Steph wants to explain. "No need," Boyd tells her. "Dad's still missing. You were upset. You needed some comfort. Toadie was there." Hmmm ... He's being suspiciously understanding. This is completely out of character. "I love your Dad so much mate," says Steph. "This, this won't happen again." "It can't," says Boyd firmly. "Toadie has to go." "Don't blame Toadie," Steph pleads. "It was me." Boyd reiterates that Toadie must go. "You tell him, or I will." "Okay, okay ... okay," says Steph. "This is my mess. I will clean it up. I will."
Maison de Pantalon. Pepper with candleholders, Rosetta in pyjamas. I guess Pepper has woken up since sleep-talking to Zeke and Rachel last episode. "Ah ... Candleholders! How cute!" says Pepper, before wondering rhetorically who they're from. She reads the label. They're from her Dad. Rosetta reminds her housemate that the engagement's a sham. Pepper tells her that she hasn't given up on Frazer. Now that Rosetta has rejected him, "there's always the rebound factor to fall back on." Rosetta is taken aback: "Have you no self-esteem?" Good question. And what's so great about Frazer anyway? He's an arse. "He's into me, I know it," says the delusional Pepper. "I just have to find a way to make him see it too, that's all." "Pepper, you're going to get hurt," obviouses Rosetta. Pepper ignores her friend and instead treats her like an idiot ingenue: "I'm going to teach you how to get a man. By the look of your pyjamas, you're going to need some serious help." I like her pyjamas.
Surgery. Karl is examining Ned. Apparently, his pupils are behaving normally, but he's definitely got a concussion. "I can't believe I let him get the better of me!" says Ned. It gets worse, Ned. A lot worse. "Settle down!" commands Karl. "Well," Ned expertly rationalises, "there must have been two of them, because otherwise your car would still be there." "Of course it would," says Karl generously. In Shakespeare's The First Part of Henry IV Prince Hal and Poins conspire to rob Falstaff and his cronies of their ill gotten gains. Poins tells his Prince that
"The vertue of this Iest will be, the incomprehensible lyes that this fat Rogue will tell vs, when we meete at Supper: how thirty at least he fought with, what Wardes, what blowes, what extremities he endured; and in the reproofe of this, lyes the iest."
The two of them are able to take the stolen money easily. Then, true to form, Falstaff furnishes them with tales of his derring-do and the insurmountable odds he faced:
"I am a Rogue, if I were not at halfe Sword with a dozen of them two houres together. I haue scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the Doublet, foure through the Hose, my Buckler cut through and through, my Sword hackt like a Hand-saw, ecce signum."
I suspect that Poins's jest would have worked equally well on Neighbours' own fat braggart - Ned 'Boringbelly' Parker. Karl tells Ned that he needs to be monitored tonight and offers to take him in. Ned is pretty slow, because he needs to be reminded that Katya also lives at Karl's house, and that she's a nurse. He looks pleased. Enter Toadie with a sleeping bag. "What are you doing here?" asks Karl. "I could ask you the same question," Toadie counters. Karl tells him about the car thief. Ned continues to insist that there were at least "two of them". This is good news for Katya, because the police will be thrown off the scent. Actually, Steiger can be thrown off the scent by someone saying they watched Chinatown when, in fact, they didn't. He'll devote the entire resources of the Erinsborough police force to finding out if they can quote from the movie or not.
A VERY EXCITING car chase! Katya turns into a blind alley, the fuzz are hot on her heels. She gets out of the car and legs it over a mesh fence.
Σπίτι Robinson. (Greek). Boyd is sneaking around in the dark. He takes a framed picture of Elle and Paul, smashes it and then bins it. Enter Elle and Lyn. Boyd hides. "All that dancing!" says Lyn enthusiastically. Oh no! - they must have played 'Ra Ra Rasputin'. Boyd makes a noise. "Did you hear that?" asks Elle. "Don't tell me you're spooked without a man!" says Lyn. Lyn lives in a decidedly phallocentric world, and is determined to keep it that way. Elle accepts that she hasn't heard anything. "Do you want to go and get Oscar?" she enquires of Lyn. Of course she doesn't, Elle. She's only interested in the welfare of other people's babies. "No," says Lyn predictably. "Best to let him sleep through with Janelle. I'll get him in the morning." Unless, of course, she forgets about him. Lyn retires to bed. Boyd steals Elle's car key and credit card. Her mobile rings. Or maybe she's got a text message. The props people don't really seem to know how mobile phones work in this show. So it could be either.
Дом Kinski. (Russian). Katya is massaging her elbow. I guess she hurt it in her daring escape from the police. Enter Ned and Karl. Ned once more repeats the Tale of the Two Assailants he's concocted to make himself seem more macho. Katya wonders if he saw who it was who attacked him. He didn't. "I'm so sorry," says Katya. "What for?" wonders Ned. "You didn't bash me." Oh, the irony. "You should've seen them," says Ned. "They were massive!" (Falstaff: "... if I fought not with fiftie of them, I am a bunch of Radish: if there were not two or three and fiftie vpon poore olde Iack, then am I no two-legg'd Creature.") "Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you," suggests Katya tentatively. "Maybe they didn't have a choice." "We've all got choices," says Ned sternly. He's a Tory. And a particularly unimaginative one. Karl's mobile rings. His car has been found intact. They're dusting it for prints. "They will get [the car thieves]," insists Karl. Katya is worried.
Camera Di Robinson. (Italian). Paul's back! "Honey, I'm home!" he bellows. Lyn cackles delightedly. "Oh! I've missed you!" she says. "Really?" asks Paul. "No, you big boof-head [what in God's name is a boof-head?], I barely noticed you were gone! Of course I missed you!" "So, absence does make the heart grow fonder, eh?" cliches Paul. "You bet it does!" says Lyn and she hugs him. "Are you sure? Are you really sure?" asks Paul. He's in earnest. Probably thinking of asking Lyn to marry him. "What's wrong?" asks a worried Lyn. "Nothing, nothing," intones Paul. "While I was away I had time to think. To evaluate our relationship." "Should I be worried?" wonders Lyn. She really is incredibly dim. "No, no, not at all," Paul reassures her. Enter Elle. "Dad!" she says, pleased. "How was the States?" That should be 'how were the States?', Elle. "Swell Elle," says Paul and then has a good chuckle at his witty turn of phrase. He then upbraids his daughter for not picking him up at the airport. He tells her that he sent her an SMS and she replied. So it was a text message that caught Boyd's attention earlier. Paul shows her the message he received and she insists that she didn't send it. Paul finds the picture in the bin. He loved that picture. Boyd's evil plan is all falling into place. MWA HA HA HA! Elle insists that there must have been an intruder. "Oh," says Lyn dismissively, "Oscar might have broken that." I can believe it. I bet he sometimes goes on rampages and tears the set to pieces. "Elle," says Paul reasonably, "what kind of intruder breaks into your home, smashes a picture and then sends a very polite text message?" That sounds like the start of a joke. "I say, I say, I say: What kind of intruder breaks into your home, smashes a picture and then sends a very polite text message? A good-mannered fellow, who doesn't like to be framed! BOOM, BOOM!" Elle looks puzzled and constipated, but something about her puzzled constipation suggests that she's worked out what's going on. Lyn and Paul bustle away. Lyn wants to know how Flick and Shell's shop opening went.
Tim Collins and Associates. Poo Poo and Rosetta. Pepper wants to take Rosetta out shopping. The shops open at 8.30 and there's a sale on so all the good stuff will go early. Why isn't Pepper at the school? Or in bed? Depending on how early it is. There's no way that Toadie will let Rosetta out of the office before lunchtime. Quite right too. Enter Karl. "Ciao bella senora, que matina bellisima," he says. "What?" asks Poo Poo disdainfully. Karl translates: "I was saying: 'Hello beautiful ladies, what a beautiful morning.' " "Yeah kind of," says Rosetta. "Except you called us gentleman." Karl is uncowed: "Ah yes, of course, 'senora' - but I'm picking it up though. Did you notice a bit of a Torino accent?" "Karl's learning Italian," explains Rosetta for those of us too stupid to work it out for ourselves. Among whom, apparently, we may count Pepper, because she looks like it's a revelation to her. "Si, si," says Karl eagerly. "Si ... you soon," says Poo Poo brusquely and leaves. Very funny, Pepper. That was a world-class pun. Ever thought of entering the punning Olympics. "Which is better, javelin or discus? Discuss." "Oh! Triathlon! I thought you said 'Try a thong!' " "Ciao, senora," says Karl. I think he's cracking on to her. Rosetta says something that sounds like: "Mis de aggravante parda ola mana spanyola." Neither Karl nor I know what it means. 'Aggravante' might mean 'annoying'. Despite my multilingual descriptions of the houses of Ramsay Street, I am not polyglot. That's right: I've been cheating and using an online translating engine. The shame! Speaking of shame, Rosetta finds Toadie asleep in his office. I'm pretty sure he's naked inside his sleeping bag.
Ext. Elle is walking briskly. Her car is missing. Enter Boyd. He's visiting her sins upon her. He tells her to look for the car at the site of Cameron's accident, because that's where Max's car turned up.
Toadie's Office. Steph and Toadie. Mercifully, he's dressed. Toadie asks Steph if she regrets their kiss. She doesn't. She is sorry for using him, but he won't accept the apology. "I'm falling for you, Steph," he says precipitantly. "Pretending is too hard." Steph makes to leave. Toadie desperately tries to unsay his profession of love: "I was just joking," he says lamely. Exit Steph.
Robinson household. Paul is on the phone. "I can guarantee that this will not happen again," he says. He hangs up. Enter Elle. Paul wants her to explain herself. An explicit email was sent to their entire client database from her account. Elle insists it wasn't her. "I'd have more respect for you if you just owned up to your mistakes," he tells her. "Bad form Elle." His phone rings again and he answers it.
Hoyland domicile. Boyd is ordering something over the phone using Elle's credit card. The people on the other end of the line don't seem bothered by the fact of his manifestly male voice. Enter Janae. "I thought you'd be spending more time with your family," says Boyd. "I am your family," points out Janae. Boyd seems to have forgotten that. "Why are you pushing me away?" she asks. He doesn't want to tell her.
House of Hotties. Pepper and Rosetta are holding skimpy underwear. I guess that, worried about declining ratings, the show's makers are going after the soft-core porn constituency. People like Toadie and Zeke, who hide their girlie mags in Karl's attic. At the warehouse (from which job I have now, thankfully, been fired) there was a guy who just stood around and didn't do any work. He was like a big gravity well of tedium, and if you ventured anywhere near him the minutes and hours began to drag their heels more insistently. He cornered me and then began to pontificate at great length about the virtues of starting work at eight o'clock and finishing at four. Having worked those hours before, I agreed with his hypothesis, joking that it meant that I could "be back in time for Neighbours". He didn't laugh, and instead launched into a dissertation on the show. Ironically, he was unaware that he was talking to the author of what I like to think of as the single greatest Neighbours blog in the world. He said he had a friend who was obsessed with the show and who would never miss an episode of Neighbours. His friend would occasionally make everyone watch the antics of Ramsay Street's finest on a cinematic TV screen, "which [my workshy colleague] didn't mind, because of all the hot women, hubba hubba." Despite trying to make a habit of not listening to a word that came out of his mouth (he also had a friend who could hit a postage stamp with a two pence piece from five hundred yards, and a friend who had incrementally traded a paper clip for a house on eBay) I was surprised that it was possible to watch Neighbours on this level. Maybe if you put it on mute ... Perhaps my difficulty with seeing Neighbours as a sexy show, is because whenever I think about it, I don't think of the House of Hotties. I think of Harold.
Anyhow, what's happening now is a male sexual fantasy. Poo Poo and Rosetta are trying on underwear together. Pretty soon, they'll get into a pillow fight and some rough and tumble and will feel compelled to practise kissing and to explore one another's bodies. The scene serves no purpose beyond prurient titillation and the eschewal of character in favour of flesh. "Why is it that the less fabric you buy, the more it costs?" asks a sceptical Rosetta. Ever hear of the Emperor's New Clothes, Rosetta? "This was on sale!" says Pepper, as if that were an answer to Rosetta's question. "Wow!" says Rosetta sarcastically, "50% off a price that's been marked up by 500%." I'm on Rosetta's side here. Pepper's a marketer's wet dream. And also Zeke's. "Oh get over it!" she says. "If Will sees you in it, you won't be worrying about the cost. Let's have a fashion parade!" "In the kitchen?" asks Rosetta, alarmed. That doesn't logically follow, Rosetta. "Yeah, why not?" replies Pepper. O...kay. "Anyone might walk in!" says Rosetta, quite reasonably. Please God, don't let Zeke walk in on them. Rosetta is very self-conscious. She doesn't go to the gym. Or to slumber parties. I saw her in a bikini the other day, though, when she was about to go for a swim in the House of Hotties pool, so her shyness can't be that bad. "Flaunting," Rosetta insists, "is not exactly in my repertoire." Nor is acting, but that doesn't stop her. Pepper proceeds to get naked in the kitchen, regardless of her friend's sensibilities. She's such a free spirit. I'm going to make her my role model.
Scarlet Bar. Lyn and Paul. Lyn's typing on an Apple laptop. "I think a top of the range multimedia centre," she says. Yep. She's a top-flight business woman all right. Her saying "top of the range multimedia centre" convinced me that she really has got her finger on the pulse of modern technological advancement. "Loris is a real pain," she tells Paul. "Mr 2% better come out of the closet and onto our side." If he came out of the closet, Lyn, you'd start quoting Leviticus at him and demanding that he be burned as a witch. Paul tells Lyn that he loves her. He leaves. Enter Elle. She's cancelling her credit card. "Have you noticed your father being, well, not quite right?" she asks anxiously. "I've noticed a lot of things being not quite right," says Elle helpfully.
House of Hotties. Pepper and Carmella are showing off the underwear. "Give it to me!" "You look amazing!" "Can I touch your breasts?" etc. etc. Ned comes in to get some milk or something, and pays no heed to them whatsoever. He leaves again. Pepper starts to scratch. She's allergic to Nylon. Her pants and bra are supposed to be French, but instead are a "cheap Chinese rip-off." "So much for the seductive power of lingerie," chuckles Rosetta.
Kinski household. Ned and Katya. Ned notices that Katya has hurt her arm. She explains that she's been a klutz all day. I know how she feels, I was forever tripping over things and banging my head in the warehouse. Katya breaks down and confesses to having beaten Ned up. He doesn't believe her. In his head he's convinced that "foure Rogues in Buckrom let driue at [him]". The idea that he was beaten up by a girl is anathema to his (already threatened) machismo. Ned jokes that he likes the Charlie's Angels fantasy. So, we can add that to the list of his known fetishes: Nurses; Nuns and Charlie's Angels.
Hoyland homestead. Janae, Boyd, Toadie. Janae berates Toadie: "And you call Max a friend! It's pathetic ... I bet that's why you moved in here in the first place - so you could crack onto her." Boyd tells her to leave it. Toadie apologises profusely, and Boyd accepts. Toadie leaves. Janae tells Boyd that he's treating her like a stranger. "Did something happen in Tasmania?"
Kinski house. Katya is on the phone to Guy. She insists that she isn't trying it on. She's going to wait until things calm down a bit. She hangs up and reveals to us that she has a gun. She looks ambiguous.
Credits.
Sunday, 25 February 2007
Wednesday, 14 February 2007
One who broke motor laws. That is, he's sometimes a lawyer, sometimes a joker (6)
Sorry it's been so long since my last installment. I find myself unaccountably working fulltime in a warehouse, which has severely curtailed my free time and louche lifestyle. I am now stuck in a Neighbours timewarp, having a fortnight's worth of Neighbours queuing for my attention. I can either spend the entirety of a couple of weekends working my way through the backlog or I can just delete them all and try and pick up from there. Neighbours plotlines inch forward so very, very slowly that I probably wouldn't even notice the missed episodes. You'll have to wait and see what I decide to do. In the meantime, try not to reveal any spoilers to me. Not because I'm worried you'll ruin it for me (I don't think that's possible) but because I don't want to live through it twice. It's bad enough having knowledge of Neighbours past and Neighbours present, without having to deal with the knowledge of Neighbours yet to come.
Maybe I could just wait for Wimbledon in order to catch up. I don't really know what I'd do for those two weeks without Neighbours otherwise. I'd just tune into BBC1 at about 5.35 and recap twenty five minutes of the tennis, I suppose. "Match point. Federer performs a thunderously good serve and Murray just about manages to get his racket to it. I'm surprised it didn't just leave a smoking hole in it. He plays the ball across the court and ... I turn the television off. That's it. It's six o'clock. See you tomorrow."
By the way, the answer to the last cryptic clue was "clubbing".
In recompense for my tardiness in posting I have produced a whole slew of SO GOOD IMAGES for your enjoyment. Inspired by the Hogarth Exhibition, I have collated them into a narrative. I call it 'The Shamrock's Progress'. Some of the scenes are of a distressing and a brutal nature.
1. Connor decides to leave Erinsborough and his old life behind him and go on a tour of Australia. Notice how he has turned his back on the symbols of his past and faces instead a wall-mounted map of Australia. A pint of Irish stout stands abandoned on the table beneath a picture of the recently dead Serena. His 'Shamrock' wrestling outfit lies discarded on the floor.
Maybe I could just wait for Wimbledon in order to catch up. I don't really know what I'd do for those two weeks without Neighbours otherwise. I'd just tune into BBC1 at about 5.35 and recap twenty five minutes of the tennis, I suppose. "Match point. Federer performs a thunderously good serve and Murray just about manages to get his racket to it. I'm surprised it didn't just leave a smoking hole in it. He plays the ball across the court and ... I turn the television off. That's it. It's six o'clock. See you tomorrow."
By the way, the answer to the last cryptic clue was "clubbing".
In recompense for my tardiness in posting I have produced a whole slew of SO GOOD IMAGES for your enjoyment. Inspired by the Hogarth Exhibition, I have collated them into a narrative. I call it 'The Shamrock's Progress'. Some of the scenes are of a distressing and a brutal nature.
1. Connor decides to leave Erinsborough and his old life behind him and go on a tour of Australia. Notice how he has turned his back on the symbols of his past and faces instead a wall-mounted map of Australia. A pint of Irish stout stands abandoned on the table beneath a picture of the recently dead Serena. His 'Shamrock' wrestling outfit lies discarded on the floor.
2. Connor bumps into Robert Robinson (aka the Evil Twin) and mistakes him for Cameron Robinson (aka the Good Twin). He lets slip that he knows where the real Cameron Robinson is located. Robert tricks him into going back into the house.
3. Robert locks Connor in the cellar.
3. Robert locks Connor in the cellar.
4. Robert viciously attacks Connor with something or other. I don't really know what that weapon is. Looks kind of mediaeval. Also he's standing on a box for some reason.
5. Robert mails Connor's wallet to an acquaintance in Beijing, with instructions to hand it in at a police station. In this way, he hopes to throw the law off the scent.
5. Robert mails Connor's wallet to an acquaintance in Beijing, with instructions to hand it in at a police station. In this way, he hopes to throw the law off the scent.
6. Robert plants an Irish rose, burying a garden gnome beneath it. Inside the gnome is a macabre joke he's written down. "How do you make a one-armed Irishman fall out of a tree?" it reads.
7. Connor's mutilated body hangs undiscovered from a tree somewhere in the Australian Outback. A lone Kookaburra sits upon a branch and laughs.
8. The Neighbours writers forget about Connor completely and, consequently, so do the other characters in the show. The storyline is unresolved. The producers have obviously heard the theory that an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately, they have only got four monkeys at four typewriters which explains the quality of the dialogue.
Neighbours 07/02/2007
The previouslys show us Lou's flashback to Mishka pushing him down the stairs; Katya telling Guy that she won't stand for his blackmail anymore and Guy abducting Bree and Rachel.
The episode's title is "One for the Toad" which is odd since Toadie wasn't in the Previouslys.
Ext. General Store. Katya's phone rings. Actually, it doesn't. That was just the way her phone tells her that she has a text message. Obviously, she doesn't get many text messages otherwise she'd change the message tone to a simple beep. She has a new message from Guy. It's a picture message showing Guy and Rachel and Bree in his car. "Your sis has a lovely smile," reads the captions. Katya looks harried. She phones Guy. Bree and Rachel are pretending to drive the car and are making a lot of noise. The writers obviously think that they are eight years old, and not fourteen. Guy holds the phone up to them, and Katya hears their shrieking. "What's going on?" she demands. "Let them go!" Guy just smiles.
Hoyland domicile. Toadie, Steph. Steph brings Toadie some coffee. He is, however, a "white and two kind of guy." I guess she brought him a black coffee. She apologises profusely and tells Toadie that she is in "La La land." Could be worse. She could be in Dipsyland. Or Tinkywinkyland. Or Poland. Toadie asks if it's the thought of Max which has brought her to this state. It is. Steph is "so mad at him and then [she] remember[s] that [she] loves him." Toadie suggests that "maybe Lyn's right - while Max is away, sorting things out, life does go on." What's this heresy, Toadie? Lyn Scully is never, never, never right. I thought you were on my side. If she is right, then it's usually something so obvious that it doesn't need saying. In this instance "life goes on" is such a hackneyed cliche that it no longer serves any sagacious purpose. You don't even need to think before you say it. It's an easy, lazy piece of advice, offered only to give the appearance of consideration and caring. Basically, it means "stop complaining and leave me alone." "How's Boyd?" asks Toadie. "He's intense," says Steph, "like his father." "At least he has Janae to keep him grounded," Toadie reassures her. Steph seizes the opportunity to change the subject - "Janae has quit her job as a mechanic and got a job with Sexy Rexy." Toadie is incredulous: "She's going to work for Rex Cole?" "Uh hu," Steph affirms. "Mr Midlife Crisis? Mr Come-down-and-check-out-my-overpriced-thirdhand-Italian-sports-cars?" "That's the guy," says Steph. "He'll have her out washing cars in a bikini." Steph produces tickets to the Spring Racing Cocktail Party and presents them to Toadie. He asks her to come with him. She refuses. He warns her not to make him use his giant legal brain against her. Like he did that time when he failed to prevent her getting a conviction for a murder she didn't commit. He threatens to hold his breath until she agrees to go with him. That's the sort of thing he does in court as well. "I'm going to hold my breath, your honour, until you change your verdict." Marvel at Toadie's sophistry and his legal prowess.
Harold's House. Mishka, Harold, Lou. "Tonight at ball, I be Cinderella and you be King Charming," says Harold. All right. You've got me. It was Mishka. The syntax was a dead giveaway, wasn't it? Harold is in a bad mood. "It's a party [as opposed to a ball - he's being pernickity over semantics] and it's PRINCE Charming." "King is better," Mishka points out, quite correctly. "Prince is boy. Not man like my Lou Bear." Lou is sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine about clippings. Mishka lays hands on him and he jumps at her touch. Mishka says that a skinny man is like a stick, but that Lou is strong like an oak. Whatever. She leaves. Harold noticed Lou's violent reaction to Mishka's touch. He confronts Lou. Lou tells him that he's remembering Mishka pushing him down the stairs. He avers that a "repressed memory is better ... Karl and his damn hypnosis!" "You can't spend the rest of your life jumping every time Mishka comes near," Harold tells him. "Mind you, everyone else does." Cheeky Harold! He bustles out. "Perhaps I'll give [Karl] a call," says Lou. Er. Everyone's gone, Lou. You're talking to yourself.
General Store. Harold, Elle. Elle wants to know if Harold is coming to the party. "It really is a singles thing," frets Harold, "and Loris is away." "Oh Harold, please," says Elle as if she were talking to a particularly obtuse three-year-old, "young women like me need older men like you." Harold doesn't understand. "Well," she explains patiently, "we need the older men to show the younger men how to dance properly. And not to act like complete morons." Shut up you patronising know-it-all. Give her a slap Harold.
Harold???
He's chuckling away to himself. Improbably, he's seen the logic of Elle's flagrant sales pitch and is flattered by it. Perhaps he can feel the distinct undertow of sex in it: "Young women like me need older men" she pouted. "Ah yes!" laughs Harold, "I see. Point taken." Enter Boyd carrying plates. Elle looks uncomfortable and leaves. Enter Lyn. The plates belong to whoever's been leaving food on Boyd's doorstep. "Ah, that would be Elle," Lyn tells Boyd. "They're Paul's plates. She obviously wanted to help. Pretty sweet really - considering she never cooks for us at home." That's it Lyn - have a good bitch about it. Actually, Elle did cook for Izzy once. And drugged her. Harold chimes in that Elle has been down at the City Mission showing pictures of Max around. Lyn "underestimated her". So did Boyd. He looks puzzled.
Scarlet Bar. Katya and Guy. They're STILL transacting illegal business in a busy bar. Where all of Katya's neighbours hang out. Imbeciles. Guy wants $100,000 by the end of the week. He threatens Rachel. Katya wants to know how she can trust him and he admits that she can't, but has no choice. I don't understand blackmailers like him. Surely they must realise that their escalating greed and threats create a mindset of desperation and fear in their victims. He's pushing and pushing to find Katya's breaking point. In other words, he's asking to be murdered. He's like a virulent bacteria that exhausts its host to the point of death and thereby consigns itself to destruction. Or like the human race upon the Earth, consuming and consuming until their planet can no longer sustain them. He should be more reasonable in his demands, and show himself to be more trustworthy. I sense this storyline is due to come to a sticky end any day now.
Harold's House. Karl, Harold. Karl is feeling sorry for himself. "Mistakes occur, you know," he says plaintively, "you make the best possible decisions based on appropriate techniques and ... informing the patient ..." he tails off. All of that is perfectly true. Medical science can be terribly fickle and unjust. However, my problem with his treatment of Sky lies with all of the moralising he did, dressing up his own personal, Victorian sensibilities as medical opinion, confusing the boundaries between doctor and concerned friend in the process. His horror at Sky's ethical decisions (or lack thereof) is made doubly noisome by the stench of hypocrisy that surrounds it. He himself cheated on Susan and, recently, had sex without contraception, evidenced by the fact that Izzy is pregnant with his baby. He didn't even have a right to judge Sky as a fellow human being, let alone as a patient. It's largely irrelevant, then, that he did all of the procedures correctly. The real issue is his attitude: He was well outside the parameters of the doctor-patient relationship when he advised Sky on how to handle her personal life and therein lies the rub. "The baby could be Dylan's," recaps Harold helpfully. Karl joins in the recapping. They don't want us to forget about Neighbours big storyline-du-jour. "DNA Testing will prove it one way or the other. But, either way, I don't think the Timminses will ever speak to me again." And he's worried about that, why? He's evidently forgotten that Janae accused him of child molestation, ruining his reputation and threatening him with criminal prosecution. Janelle waded in against him on that occasion too. Much as I'm loth to admit it, the Timminses owe Karl one here. Harold is sure that it will be crystal clear that the "error was not to do with [Karl's] commitment or professionalism."
Enter Lou and Mishka. "Hello, Dr Karl," says Mishka. Karl tells Lou that he will perform some "light hypnosis" on Lou. "No brainwash," insists Mishka. She's thinking of the rigours of Soviet Russia again. "No acting like chicken." Now she's thinking about hypnotist sideshows at the fair. Karl sits Lou down and he falls immediately into an hypnotic state. Harold and Mishka remain on hand as spectators. Karl tells Lou to think of positive experiences he's had with Mishka. He remembers a time when he bought her a koala bear. "It smelled like cough mixture!" says Mishka happily. Karl looks annoyed at the interruption. Can Lou think of any other positive experiences? "Warney!" says Mishka delightedly. She did love it when Shane Warne visited Erinsborough. She was more enthusiastic about seeing him than anyone else in the cast. The hypnotised Lou tells Karl so: "She found the fact that she was going to meet Shane Warne incredibly exciting. That morning we went back to bed and had the most incredible ..." Harold coughs. "Was better than Test century!" opines Mishka. Unless Mishka has actually scored a Test century, she is not in a position to make that comparison. Interestingly enough, Shane Warne himself never scored a Test century in his entire twenty-five year Test career. He came frustratingly close a number of times though. So, even if he had witnessed Lou and Mishka's sexual feats (which is not impossible, since he was in Erinsborough on the morning in question) he wouldn't be able to compare the sensations he saw them experiencing with that of scoring a Test century. He did take 708 wickets before retiring at the end of the Ashes this year, so if Mishka had said "it was better than taking your 700th wicket" he'd have been able to venture an opinion one way or the other. Or if she'd said "having sex with Lou was better than delivering the ball of the century," then Shane Warne would probably say: "I doubt that very much." In my opinion, scoring a Test century must feel pretty damn good and I find it hard to imagine that Lou and Mishka's half-hour of fumbling in bed could compare. Maybe I'm underestimating Lou's skill in the sack.
Lou continues: They had "breakfast in bed with whipped cream." Karl hurriedly wakes him up. He tells him that the hypnosis was very successful, but looks deeply disturbed. What's to be disturbed about? Breakfast in bed with whipped cream doesn't sound so bad. Oh wait. Maybe Mishka took the whipped cream and smeared it on ... *shudders*. Karl goes into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Harold wants one too. A strong one. Will tea make the mental pictures disappear? It's certainly worth a try. I think I'll make myself one as well.
Hoyland dwelling. Steph is trying on an outfit. I guess Toadie suffocated and she's going to the party that he so desperately wanted her to attend in order to honour his memory. Oh dear: Lyn's here too. "You look spectacular!" she coos. She didn't say "Stephie!" in that infuriating way of hers, so I guess I should be thankful for small mercies. "I chose it with Max," Steph tells her. "It's beautiful. You're beautiful," says Lyn. She hasn't done anything to provoke my ire yet. Must be the calm before the storm. "I'm so glad that Toadie talked you into going tonight," says Lyn. A shame he had to do it at the expense of his own life. He will be sorely missed. Steph isn't so sure that her going is a good thing. "Max could be suffering somewhere!" she worries. "Max will be back one day," Lyn tells her daughter, "and how will he find his girl? Is she coping with life or has she had a nervous breakdown?" Hmm. On the whole I agree with the sentiment. I don't like the way Lyn called Steph Max's "girl", though - I think that makes her sound more helpless and less autonomous than she is. Nor do I like the Manichean way that Lyn delineates "coping with life" and having "had a nervous breakdown". It's not binary - one doesn't have to be in one state or the other. I think she should have emphasised the fact that Max walked out on Steph leaving her, quite literally, holding their baby. The guilt is his to deal with and not Steph's. She should allow herself to feel happy and to go out and have a good time. "You have a choice, Stephie," Lyn goes on. "You can wallow and make yourself and Charlie suffer. Or you can get on with your life." Way to ladle on the pressure, Lyn. "You shall go to the ball." Hmm... Another Cinderella reference. I don't think this party's going to be all it's cracked up to be. It'll probably end up being yet another crappy shindig in the Scarlet Bar. Lyn continues with her Fairy Godmother shtick: "You shall have a glass or two of champagne and you shall dance and be happy!" The tinkly music of profundity-cum-schmaltz plays in the background. Steph jokes that she won't dance to any of that crappy eighties disco music. Lyn is appalled. "What about Boney M?" she screeches. My head is flooded with horrific visions of Lyn Scully bopping along to the strains of "Ra, ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen!"
Actually, the song is historically inaccurate. There is no evidence to suggest that Rasputin had an affair with Alexandra. The reason for his entrance into the Queen's inner circle (sadly, I'm not above tired innuendos) is his success in treating the royal couple's haemophiliac son. The legend of Alexandra's infidelity all sounds suspiciously like a Soviet smear against the Tsarist regime. The revolutionaries printed and scrawled upon the walls all kinds of slurs against her, citing imaginary perversities to emphasise the decadence and the depravity of the regime they sought to overthrow. The same thing happened to historical Tsars: the story that everyone knows about the unusual sexual proclivities of Catherine the Great, and the nature of her death probably originated at around the same time. Disappointingly, Catherine collapsed and died alone in her boudoir - just in case you bought the equine propaganda. Anyhow, Boney M are playing right into Lenin's hands by perpetuating the myth of the affair between Tsarina and Mad Monk. Having conjured the image of her horrible, naff disco-dancing Lyn leaves with the bizarre exit line of: "Earrings I think."
Harold's House. Karl and Harold, seated. Mishka and Lou caddling. "I will never feel clean again," says a shellshocked looking Karl. "Quite," agrees Harold. Heh. Mishka tells us that she and Lou are off to make "experiment in bedroom." She thanks Karl for his hypnotic prowess. Lou and Mishka disappear. " 'What are some of the things you've done that have made Mishka happy ...' " says Karl, parrotting his line from the earlier hypnosis scene. "Big mistake." Harold agrees wholeheartedly. "I will never be able to use whipped cream again," he says. "I wonder if I can give myself a repressed memory," wonders Karl. Yes you can, Karl. Just drink some more of that magic sleeping potion that made you think that Izzy was Susan. We hear Lou's obscene cackling coming from off-screen.
Scarlet Bar. Ned and Katya. Katya tells Ned that she can't go to the party. She says that she's switched shifts at the hospital, but really she wants to steal some more cars. It's a shame, says Ned, because it's going to be a slap-up black tie event. And there will be all sorts of big, expensive cars in the carpark. Is looking at cars he can't afford Ned's idea of fun? What a weird thing for someone to say. It's enough to persuade Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac to go to the party. Cut to Elle and the PI she hired to find Max. He tells her that the trail has gone cold. Boyd overhears them. "Why would you [hire a private eye] Elle?" he asks suspiciously.
General Store. Bree, Rachel and Katya. Katya doesn't want the two of them getting into cars with strangers. Bree calls her a "Fascist" behind her back. She's right to do so. There's a chapter in Mein Kampf which is devoted entirely to prohibiting people from riding in cars belonging to people unknown to them or, to use Hitler's memorable phrase, "verbotenvolkswagens". In order to avoid the temptation of "Automobile Più sconosciuto" Mussolini ensured that the trains ran on time and Franco issued an edict in 1938 banning Spaniards from "El conseguir en los coches con los extranjeros". It is, then, a central tenet of Fascist ideology. Karl comes in for the sole purpose of mentioning the fact that he has bought a new car. No prizes for guessing what's inevitably going to happen to it. He's also still wheedling on and on about how he didn't make a mistake with regard to Sky's baby.
Scarlet Bar. Boyd and Elle. Boyd is suspicious as to why Elle has been so secretive about the hiring of the PI. "My Dad killed your brother," he says needlessly. Then he goes on to say something or other about charity and guilt. I'm not really paying attention - I think I just saw a bumblebee out of the window. In February. This global warming business is really starting to hit home.
Party. The much trumpeted party (today's Macguffin) has arrived. It looks predictably awful. The only thing to differentiate it from your run-of-the-mill night at the Scarlet Bar is the fact that everyone is wearing black tie. The good news is that Toadie's here. Which means that he didn't die of oxygen privation in that earlier scene. We're reminded once again that Karl has a new car. Then we discover that Ned's suit is too small for him. Ah! It's a clever, clever prank orchestrated by Toadie, who boasts to Steph about his aptitude for playing practical jokes. Boyd is giving Elle the evil eye, which is either interesting or exceedingly tiresome depending on your point of view. Katya leaves the room and Bree announces that she has come to the party to "prove the dead can dance". She seems to think that she is a vampire now. Boyd and Elle are still giving each other dirty looks. Boyd wonders aloud if Elle's "help" was prompted by "care" or by the fact that she feels guilty. He's worked out that she was the one who sent Max crazy. Ned is ringing up to complain about his suit, but instead ends up speaking to Toadie on his mobile phone. Toadie does a poor Indian accent in order to disguise his voice and tells Ned to read the serial number off the inside of his trousers. Thus, he tricks Ned into "downing trou" for everyone to see. He turns the spotlight onto Ned. What a clever prank! Toadie is a comic genius! I wish I was more like him. "You're a dead man Rebecchi!" Ned yells.
Carpark. Evil Katya is stealing a car, which I can only assume belongs to Karl. She chuckles evilly. Ned appears and seeks to prevent her from committing grand theft auto. Evil Katya knocks him down and drives away, leaving him for dead. Toadie runs over to his comatose friend, pulls his trousers down and runs away giggling. Not really. It wouldn't be out of character though.
Maison d'Hoyland. Toadie is congratulating himself on his prank. He and Steph have a tender moment. She's just so grateful that he persuaded her to go and have a good time. Toadie promises he won't go away again. They kiss. And - oh no! - Boyd sees them. Kissing someone in Neighbours is tantamount to absolute betrayal and infidelity. Remember when Sky kissed Lana? No one would shut up about it for weeks. I think 'kissing' must be coy Neighbours shorthand for full on sexual congress. Boyd is another intransigent moralist, cut with the same celestial cookie cutter as Lyn Scully. This is likely to be an outlet for his highminded priggishness to rival that time when he ruined Max and Steph's chances to adopt.
Credits.
Neighbours 07/02/2007
The previouslys show us Lou's flashback to Mishka pushing him down the stairs; Katya telling Guy that she won't stand for his blackmail anymore and Guy abducting Bree and Rachel.
The episode's title is "One for the Toad" which is odd since Toadie wasn't in the Previouslys.
Ext. General Store. Katya's phone rings. Actually, it doesn't. That was just the way her phone tells her that she has a text message. Obviously, she doesn't get many text messages otherwise she'd change the message tone to a simple beep. She has a new message from Guy. It's a picture message showing Guy and Rachel and Bree in his car. "Your sis has a lovely smile," reads the captions. Katya looks harried. She phones Guy. Bree and Rachel are pretending to drive the car and are making a lot of noise. The writers obviously think that they are eight years old, and not fourteen. Guy holds the phone up to them, and Katya hears their shrieking. "What's going on?" she demands. "Let them go!" Guy just smiles.
Hoyland domicile. Toadie, Steph. Steph brings Toadie some coffee. He is, however, a "white and two kind of guy." I guess she brought him a black coffee. She apologises profusely and tells Toadie that she is in "La La land." Could be worse. She could be in Dipsyland. Or Tinkywinkyland. Or Poland. Toadie asks if it's the thought of Max which has brought her to this state. It is. Steph is "so mad at him and then [she] remember[s] that [she] loves him." Toadie suggests that "maybe Lyn's right - while Max is away, sorting things out, life does go on." What's this heresy, Toadie? Lyn Scully is never, never, never right. I thought you were on my side. If she is right, then it's usually something so obvious that it doesn't need saying. In this instance "life goes on" is such a hackneyed cliche that it no longer serves any sagacious purpose. You don't even need to think before you say it. It's an easy, lazy piece of advice, offered only to give the appearance of consideration and caring. Basically, it means "stop complaining and leave me alone." "How's Boyd?" asks Toadie. "He's intense," says Steph, "like his father." "At least he has Janae to keep him grounded," Toadie reassures her. Steph seizes the opportunity to change the subject - "Janae has quit her job as a mechanic and got a job with Sexy Rexy." Toadie is incredulous: "She's going to work for Rex Cole?" "Uh hu," Steph affirms. "Mr Midlife Crisis? Mr Come-down-and-check-out-my-overpriced-thirdhand-Italian-sports-cars?" "That's the guy," says Steph. "He'll have her out washing cars in a bikini." Steph produces tickets to the Spring Racing Cocktail Party and presents them to Toadie. He asks her to come with him. She refuses. He warns her not to make him use his giant legal brain against her. Like he did that time when he failed to prevent her getting a conviction for a murder she didn't commit. He threatens to hold his breath until she agrees to go with him. That's the sort of thing he does in court as well. "I'm going to hold my breath, your honour, until you change your verdict." Marvel at Toadie's sophistry and his legal prowess.
Harold's House. Mishka, Harold, Lou. "Tonight at ball, I be Cinderella and you be King Charming," says Harold. All right. You've got me. It was Mishka. The syntax was a dead giveaway, wasn't it? Harold is in a bad mood. "It's a party [as opposed to a ball - he's being pernickity over semantics] and it's PRINCE Charming." "King is better," Mishka points out, quite correctly. "Prince is boy. Not man like my Lou Bear." Lou is sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine about clippings. Mishka lays hands on him and he jumps at her touch. Mishka says that a skinny man is like a stick, but that Lou is strong like an oak. Whatever. She leaves. Harold noticed Lou's violent reaction to Mishka's touch. He confronts Lou. Lou tells him that he's remembering Mishka pushing him down the stairs. He avers that a "repressed memory is better ... Karl and his damn hypnosis!" "You can't spend the rest of your life jumping every time Mishka comes near," Harold tells him. "Mind you, everyone else does." Cheeky Harold! He bustles out. "Perhaps I'll give [Karl] a call," says Lou. Er. Everyone's gone, Lou. You're talking to yourself.
General Store. Harold, Elle. Elle wants to know if Harold is coming to the party. "It really is a singles thing," frets Harold, "and Loris is away." "Oh Harold, please," says Elle as if she were talking to a particularly obtuse three-year-old, "young women like me need older men like you." Harold doesn't understand. "Well," she explains patiently, "we need the older men to show the younger men how to dance properly. And not to act like complete morons." Shut up you patronising know-it-all. Give her a slap Harold.
Harold???
He's chuckling away to himself. Improbably, he's seen the logic of Elle's flagrant sales pitch and is flattered by it. Perhaps he can feel the distinct undertow of sex in it: "Young women like me need older men" she pouted. "Ah yes!" laughs Harold, "I see. Point taken." Enter Boyd carrying plates. Elle looks uncomfortable and leaves. Enter Lyn. The plates belong to whoever's been leaving food on Boyd's doorstep. "Ah, that would be Elle," Lyn tells Boyd. "They're Paul's plates. She obviously wanted to help. Pretty sweet really - considering she never cooks for us at home." That's it Lyn - have a good bitch about it. Actually, Elle did cook for Izzy once. And drugged her. Harold chimes in that Elle has been down at the City Mission showing pictures of Max around. Lyn "underestimated her". So did Boyd. He looks puzzled.
Scarlet Bar. Katya and Guy. They're STILL transacting illegal business in a busy bar. Where all of Katya's neighbours hang out. Imbeciles. Guy wants $100,000 by the end of the week. He threatens Rachel. Katya wants to know how she can trust him and he admits that she can't, but has no choice. I don't understand blackmailers like him. Surely they must realise that their escalating greed and threats create a mindset of desperation and fear in their victims. He's pushing and pushing to find Katya's breaking point. In other words, he's asking to be murdered. He's like a virulent bacteria that exhausts its host to the point of death and thereby consigns itself to destruction. Or like the human race upon the Earth, consuming and consuming until their planet can no longer sustain them. He should be more reasonable in his demands, and show himself to be more trustworthy. I sense this storyline is due to come to a sticky end any day now.
Harold's House. Karl, Harold. Karl is feeling sorry for himself. "Mistakes occur, you know," he says plaintively, "you make the best possible decisions based on appropriate techniques and ... informing the patient ..." he tails off. All of that is perfectly true. Medical science can be terribly fickle and unjust. However, my problem with his treatment of Sky lies with all of the moralising he did, dressing up his own personal, Victorian sensibilities as medical opinion, confusing the boundaries between doctor and concerned friend in the process. His horror at Sky's ethical decisions (or lack thereof) is made doubly noisome by the stench of hypocrisy that surrounds it. He himself cheated on Susan and, recently, had sex without contraception, evidenced by the fact that Izzy is pregnant with his baby. He didn't even have a right to judge Sky as a fellow human being, let alone as a patient. It's largely irrelevant, then, that he did all of the procedures correctly. The real issue is his attitude: He was well outside the parameters of the doctor-patient relationship when he advised Sky on how to handle her personal life and therein lies the rub. "The baby could be Dylan's," recaps Harold helpfully. Karl joins in the recapping. They don't want us to forget about Neighbours big storyline-du-jour. "DNA Testing will prove it one way or the other. But, either way, I don't think the Timminses will ever speak to me again." And he's worried about that, why? He's evidently forgotten that Janae accused him of child molestation, ruining his reputation and threatening him with criminal prosecution. Janelle waded in against him on that occasion too. Much as I'm loth to admit it, the Timminses owe Karl one here. Harold is sure that it will be crystal clear that the "error was not to do with [Karl's] commitment or professionalism."
Enter Lou and Mishka. "Hello, Dr Karl," says Mishka. Karl tells Lou that he will perform some "light hypnosis" on Lou. "No brainwash," insists Mishka. She's thinking of the rigours of Soviet Russia again. "No acting like chicken." Now she's thinking about hypnotist sideshows at the fair. Karl sits Lou down and he falls immediately into an hypnotic state. Harold and Mishka remain on hand as spectators. Karl tells Lou to think of positive experiences he's had with Mishka. He remembers a time when he bought her a koala bear. "It smelled like cough mixture!" says Mishka happily. Karl looks annoyed at the interruption. Can Lou think of any other positive experiences? "Warney!" says Mishka delightedly. She did love it when Shane Warne visited Erinsborough. She was more enthusiastic about seeing him than anyone else in the cast. The hypnotised Lou tells Karl so: "She found the fact that she was going to meet Shane Warne incredibly exciting. That morning we went back to bed and had the most incredible ..." Harold coughs. "Was better than Test century!" opines Mishka. Unless Mishka has actually scored a Test century, she is not in a position to make that comparison. Interestingly enough, Shane Warne himself never scored a Test century in his entire twenty-five year Test career. He came frustratingly close a number of times though. So, even if he had witnessed Lou and Mishka's sexual feats (which is not impossible, since he was in Erinsborough on the morning in question) he wouldn't be able to compare the sensations he saw them experiencing with that of scoring a Test century. He did take 708 wickets before retiring at the end of the Ashes this year, so if Mishka had said "it was better than taking your 700th wicket" he'd have been able to venture an opinion one way or the other. Or if she'd said "having sex with Lou was better than delivering the ball of the century," then Shane Warne would probably say: "I doubt that very much." In my opinion, scoring a Test century must feel pretty damn good and I find it hard to imagine that Lou and Mishka's half-hour of fumbling in bed could compare. Maybe I'm underestimating Lou's skill in the sack.
Lou continues: They had "breakfast in bed with whipped cream." Karl hurriedly wakes him up. He tells him that the hypnosis was very successful, but looks deeply disturbed. What's to be disturbed about? Breakfast in bed with whipped cream doesn't sound so bad. Oh wait. Maybe Mishka took the whipped cream and smeared it on ... *shudders*. Karl goes into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Harold wants one too. A strong one. Will tea make the mental pictures disappear? It's certainly worth a try. I think I'll make myself one as well.
Hoyland dwelling. Steph is trying on an outfit. I guess Toadie suffocated and she's going to the party that he so desperately wanted her to attend in order to honour his memory. Oh dear: Lyn's here too. "You look spectacular!" she coos. She didn't say "Stephie!" in that infuriating way of hers, so I guess I should be thankful for small mercies. "I chose it with Max," Steph tells her. "It's beautiful. You're beautiful," says Lyn. She hasn't done anything to provoke my ire yet. Must be the calm before the storm. "I'm so glad that Toadie talked you into going tonight," says Lyn. A shame he had to do it at the expense of his own life. He will be sorely missed. Steph isn't so sure that her going is a good thing. "Max could be suffering somewhere!" she worries. "Max will be back one day," Lyn tells her daughter, "and how will he find his girl? Is she coping with life or has she had a nervous breakdown?" Hmm. On the whole I agree with the sentiment. I don't like the way Lyn called Steph Max's "girl", though - I think that makes her sound more helpless and less autonomous than she is. Nor do I like the Manichean way that Lyn delineates "coping with life" and having "had a nervous breakdown". It's not binary - one doesn't have to be in one state or the other. I think she should have emphasised the fact that Max walked out on Steph leaving her, quite literally, holding their baby. The guilt is his to deal with and not Steph's. She should allow herself to feel happy and to go out and have a good time. "You have a choice, Stephie," Lyn goes on. "You can wallow and make yourself and Charlie suffer. Or you can get on with your life." Way to ladle on the pressure, Lyn. "You shall go to the ball." Hmm... Another Cinderella reference. I don't think this party's going to be all it's cracked up to be. It'll probably end up being yet another crappy shindig in the Scarlet Bar. Lyn continues with her Fairy Godmother shtick: "You shall have a glass or two of champagne and you shall dance and be happy!" The tinkly music of profundity-cum-schmaltz plays in the background. Steph jokes that she won't dance to any of that crappy eighties disco music. Lyn is appalled. "What about Boney M?" she screeches. My head is flooded with horrific visions of Lyn Scully bopping along to the strains of "Ra, ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen!"
Actually, the song is historically inaccurate. There is no evidence to suggest that Rasputin had an affair with Alexandra. The reason for his entrance into the Queen's inner circle (sadly, I'm not above tired innuendos) is his success in treating the royal couple's haemophiliac son. The legend of Alexandra's infidelity all sounds suspiciously like a Soviet smear against the Tsarist regime. The revolutionaries printed and scrawled upon the walls all kinds of slurs against her, citing imaginary perversities to emphasise the decadence and the depravity of the regime they sought to overthrow. The same thing happened to historical Tsars: the story that everyone knows about the unusual sexual proclivities of Catherine the Great, and the nature of her death probably originated at around the same time. Disappointingly, Catherine collapsed and died alone in her boudoir - just in case you bought the equine propaganda. Anyhow, Boney M are playing right into Lenin's hands by perpetuating the myth of the affair between Tsarina and Mad Monk. Having conjured the image of her horrible, naff disco-dancing Lyn leaves with the bizarre exit line of: "Earrings I think."
Harold's House. Karl and Harold, seated. Mishka and Lou caddling. "I will never feel clean again," says a shellshocked looking Karl. "Quite," agrees Harold. Heh. Mishka tells us that she and Lou are off to make "experiment in bedroom." She thanks Karl for his hypnotic prowess. Lou and Mishka disappear. " 'What are some of the things you've done that have made Mishka happy ...' " says Karl, parrotting his line from the earlier hypnosis scene. "Big mistake." Harold agrees wholeheartedly. "I will never be able to use whipped cream again," he says. "I wonder if I can give myself a repressed memory," wonders Karl. Yes you can, Karl. Just drink some more of that magic sleeping potion that made you think that Izzy was Susan. We hear Lou's obscene cackling coming from off-screen.
Scarlet Bar. Ned and Katya. Katya tells Ned that she can't go to the party. She says that she's switched shifts at the hospital, but really she wants to steal some more cars. It's a shame, says Ned, because it's going to be a slap-up black tie event. And there will be all sorts of big, expensive cars in the carpark. Is looking at cars he can't afford Ned's idea of fun? What a weird thing for someone to say. It's enough to persuade Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac to go to the party. Cut to Elle and the PI she hired to find Max. He tells her that the trail has gone cold. Boyd overhears them. "Why would you [hire a private eye] Elle?" he asks suspiciously.
General Store. Bree, Rachel and Katya. Katya doesn't want the two of them getting into cars with strangers. Bree calls her a "Fascist" behind her back. She's right to do so. There's a chapter in Mein Kampf which is devoted entirely to prohibiting people from riding in cars belonging to people unknown to them or, to use Hitler's memorable phrase, "verbotenvolkswagens". In order to avoid the temptation of "Automobile Più sconosciuto" Mussolini ensured that the trains ran on time and Franco issued an edict in 1938 banning Spaniards from "El conseguir en los coches con los extranjeros". It is, then, a central tenet of Fascist ideology. Karl comes in for the sole purpose of mentioning the fact that he has bought a new car. No prizes for guessing what's inevitably going to happen to it. He's also still wheedling on and on about how he didn't make a mistake with regard to Sky's baby.
Scarlet Bar. Boyd and Elle. Boyd is suspicious as to why Elle has been so secretive about the hiring of the PI. "My Dad killed your brother," he says needlessly. Then he goes on to say something or other about charity and guilt. I'm not really paying attention - I think I just saw a bumblebee out of the window. In February. This global warming business is really starting to hit home.
Party. The much trumpeted party (today's Macguffin) has arrived. It looks predictably awful. The only thing to differentiate it from your run-of-the-mill night at the Scarlet Bar is the fact that everyone is wearing black tie. The good news is that Toadie's here. Which means that he didn't die of oxygen privation in that earlier scene. We're reminded once again that Karl has a new car. Then we discover that Ned's suit is too small for him. Ah! It's a clever, clever prank orchestrated by Toadie, who boasts to Steph about his aptitude for playing practical jokes. Boyd is giving Elle the evil eye, which is either interesting or exceedingly tiresome depending on your point of view. Katya leaves the room and Bree announces that she has come to the party to "prove the dead can dance". She seems to think that she is a vampire now. Boyd and Elle are still giving each other dirty looks. Boyd wonders aloud if Elle's "help" was prompted by "care" or by the fact that she feels guilty. He's worked out that she was the one who sent Max crazy. Ned is ringing up to complain about his suit, but instead ends up speaking to Toadie on his mobile phone. Toadie does a poor Indian accent in order to disguise his voice and tells Ned to read the serial number off the inside of his trousers. Thus, he tricks Ned into "downing trou" for everyone to see. He turns the spotlight onto Ned. What a clever prank! Toadie is a comic genius! I wish I was more like him. "You're a dead man Rebecchi!" Ned yells.
Carpark. Evil Katya is stealing a car, which I can only assume belongs to Karl. She chuckles evilly. Ned appears and seeks to prevent her from committing grand theft auto. Evil Katya knocks him down and drives away, leaving him for dead. Toadie runs over to his comatose friend, pulls his trousers down and runs away giggling. Not really. It wouldn't be out of character though.
Maison d'Hoyland. Toadie is congratulating himself on his prank. He and Steph have a tender moment. She's just so grateful that he persuaded her to go and have a good time. Toadie promises he won't go away again. They kiss. And - oh no! - Boyd sees them. Kissing someone in Neighbours is tantamount to absolute betrayal and infidelity. Remember when Sky kissed Lana? No one would shut up about it for weeks. I think 'kissing' must be coy Neighbours shorthand for full on sexual congress. Boyd is another intransigent moralist, cut with the same celestial cookie cutter as Lyn Scully. This is likely to be an outlet for his highminded priggishness to rival that time when he ruined Max and Steph's chances to adopt.
Credits.
Monday, 12 February 2007
Beating someone to death with a stick can be dangerously addictive. (8)
Valentine’s Day is here. Hooray. St Valentine was, of course, the patron saint of smugness. His day stands as a capitalist, commercial reminder of the procreative imperative. Nothing says “get off your arse and see to it that the human race is sustained for another generation” like an explosion of pink and of saccharine sentiment in all the shops and on the Internet. Here's Tracey Cox pedantically telling you how to make that special first date count on AOL Lifestyle. You wouldn't want to move the salt over that invisible barrier too early on in the relationship - that could be disastrous. You might get chlamydia.
If you don't got a date then get one. Thus sprake the marketing men and women and the email spammers who are tasked with normalising society and making sure we all look the same and think the same unthreatening thoughts. Remember if you don't couple up and then have at least two children, then you are contributing to a population decline. Valentine's Day is a timely reminder from those who are happily doing their bit to those of us who have been less than proactive on the fecundity front. The whole business seems a bit pointless and tragic what with the end of the world and all.
Anyway, since it is Valentine's Day, I thought about theming my blog. I considered putting a poll in to see who'd be the best Neighbours character to go on a Valentine's Date with. However, it turns out that they’re all ad-powered and not actually that good. So I'd have ended up with loads of pop-ups and a not-very-meaningful result. I could only put three responses in, so would have been forced to narrow the field to a ludicrous degree. Dividing the survey up into men and women would also have been a problem. So, I’ll just ask outright and resign myself to not knowing the result:
Which Neighbours character would you least hate to be your Valentine?
For simplicity’s sake, I’ll limit the field to present characters. I’ll warn you now not to predicate your choice solely on looks. Elle Robinson is very good looking, but can you imagine sitting across a table from her in a fancy restaurant? You’d crack a great joke and she’d look puzzled and constipated, then you’d say something really intelligent and profound and she’d look ... puzzled and constipated. Also if, heaven forbid, she were to fall desperately ill, you could never be absolutely sure that she wasn’t faking it. By the same token, Ned ‘Boringbelly’ Parker is so very, very dull. Sure, he's got the looks, but has he got the touch?
You’d also have to be very careful in ending the relationship, because if you were to break up with him or her, one or other of you would certainly be pregnant.
Here's my choice: I'd go out with Sky. Sure, she's got a baby and she's not sure which of two brothers is the father, but that's not a big deal when you consider the overpowering argument that "we like the same stuff". I would have chosen Pepper, but she's a little too girly and silly and I wouldn't want to face the wrath of Zeke. He creeps me out. The chief problem I foresee in my relationship with Sky would be that, if love is quantifiable, and it is, she would only love me 56%. Mind you, she might let me play with her cuddly Totoro in recompense for the fact that she could never love me as I loved her. According to that love calculator, Lou Carpenter would love Nosey Rosie a staggering 91%. She's in there.
By the way, the answer to yesterday's cryptic clue was, of course, Erinsborough's favourite drink: "Tazzle".
Neighbours - 06/02/07
Previouslys: Guy and Katya and the silver foil; Will and the old man; Katya and Will discussing specialist treatment for Carmella.
The episode title is "Wholly Trinity" which is, of course, a pun on the theological concept of the tripartite God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The pun is actually an astute ontological one; although God comprises three distinct facets of creator, flesh and logos, He remains a monolithic entity: One God. This duality absorbs St John the Apostle for the opening part of his gospel ("In the beginning was the Word ... etc") and it is the notion that Ælfric worried that the common man would wrestle with after he had translated the Bible into the Anglo-Saxon demotic. I couldn't find an online text of his wonderful preface to his translation of Genesis, but think it is worth citing at length nonetheless. The translation from Old English is my own, so I apologise for any inaccuracies, ugliness or clunkiness:
"We say above that the book [Genesis] is very deep to understand spiritually and we will not write any more except the bare narrative. Then it seems to the unlearned priest that all the sense may be locked in that simple narrative; but it is very far from that. The book is called ‘Genesis,’ that is ‘the book of origins’ because it is the first of the books and it speaks about every origin but it is does not speak about the creation of the Angels. It begins thus: “In principio creauit deus celum et terrum” and that is in English “In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.” It was truly so done, that God Almighty in the beginning made creation when he wanted to. Nevertheless, according to the spiritual sense, that beginning is as Christ said to the Jews: “I am the beginning who speak before you.” Through this beginning God the Father created Heaven and Earth, because he created all creatures through the Son, he who was always born to him, bringing wisdom to the wise Father.
Next, there stands in the book in the first verse, “Et spiritus dei farebatus super aquas,” that is, in English, “And God’s spirit was borne over the water.” God’s spirit is the Holy Ghost, through which the Father gave life to all creatures that he created through the Son, and the Holy Ghost goes through the hearts of men and he gives to us forgiveness of sins, first through the baptism and after through penance; and if anybody scorns the forgiveness which the Holy Ghost gives, then his sin is always unforgiveable through eternity. Next, this Holy Trinity is revealed in this book as it is in the word that God spoke: “Let us make man in our image.” When he said “Let us make” is the Trinity revealed; when he said “in our image” is the true unity revealed; he did not say in the plural “in our images” but in the singular “in our image.” Afterwards, there came three Angels to Abraham and he spoke to them all three as one. How did the blood of Abel cry out to God except as each man’s misdeeds accuse him to God without words? By these small examples one may understand how deep the book is in a spiritual sense, although it may be written with simple words. Again, Joseph, who was sold into Egypt and rescued the people from the great famine, had the tokening of Christ, who was sold into death for us and rescued us from the eternal hunger of the torment of Hell."
Three-as-one, both a holy and a wholly Trinity. I very much doubt that that's what the Neighbours writers had in mind when they titled the episode, however. Back to our favourite show:
Ext. Garage. Will is talking on his mobile phone. He wants an advance of the funds. He has made a deal, we can safely suppose, to secure finance for Carmella's operation. Cut to Pepper. She is talking to her mother at the garage. They're playing that "Don't Look Back" song on the radio! I haven't heard it for ages: "Don't look back / Nothing's ever easy / If you stay on track / Something's going to find you!" Pepper's Mum is arranging to meet up with her with Steiger in the Scarlet Bar. Pepper is hopeful that this means that her parents are getting back together. Exit Pepper. Enter Janae. Janae is wearing pink overalls. She doesn't think it does any harm to emphasise the fact that this is an all-female garage. The overalls highlight their femininity without being overtly sexual. The ex-Mrs Steiger looks exasperatedly amused. She tells Janae either to go and change into blue overalls or go home and miss a half-day's wages.
House of Hotties. All the residents are gathered in the kitchen. They are discussing Carmella's predicament. Will emphasises that "time is of the essence". Katya told him that the decision to have surgery needed to be taken in a matter of days. They discuss fundraising issues. I wonder why Mrs Corleone wouldn't step in to help her daughter? Rosetta says "No way I'm asking Mum for the money." O...kay. Why not? Frazer tells the assembly that he has a tip on a race "this arvo". But they'd need to raise a stake. Will takes off his watch. Frazer thought that the watch was a cheap Thai knock-off. It isn't.
Garage. Janae is wearing blue overalls again. She's sweeping up. "G'die sweetheart," says a middle-aged man. It transpires that his name is Rex and that he owns a garage called "Black Stallion" which is in direct competition with the one where Janae works. He's been losing business to them. Janae posits that this is because her boss is a great mechanic. Rex doesn't think so. He thinks that it has a lot to do with the fact that Janae started working there. He wants to poach her, promising that he wouldn't make her sweep the floors at his place. He writes something on the back of a business card and shows it to Janae. "That would be your starting salary," he tells her. "What? Per fortnight?" I thought that a salary was paid monthly. "No," says Rex impressively, "per week." Janae's jaw drops. Basically, the pay-rate is double what she thought. Doesn't sound jaw-droppingly impressive to me. And what sort of training package will he offer? I think that this will prove to be a poisoned chalice.
General Store. Ned, Rachel, Zeke. Ned is pointing at Rachel and Zeke challenges him to what can only be described as a finger duel. As they parry and thrust at one another, Katya enters from outside, and Guy comes into shot from the counter with a tray of milkshakes. He gives Zeke a chocolate milkshake, and Rachel a vanilla. For Ned he has a "manly strawberry." He's humouring Ned. There's nothing whatever that's "manly" about strawberries. He offers to get something for Katya, pretending to remember her favourite drink from their days at nursing college together. What was it she liked - ah yes "a hit." He's referring to her drug addiction. He lets her off the hook by qualifying it with "of caffeine". He trots off to get her a double espresso. Guy is one of those "centres of evil" I mentioned the other day. Basically, he's Guy of Gisbourne. Zeke tells Katya that Guy has offered to bowl a few at him in the nets. I'm furious - he's still practising his cricket skills after I expressly asked him not to! I suppose it doesn't matter so much since we gave the Aussies a drubbing in the One Day Series. By rights, they should give us the Ashes back now, since we are clearly the superior cricketing nation. Rachel asks Katya if it's true that she "almost got kicked out of nurses' college". Katya looks uneasy. She asks Ned if she can have a word with him and leads him outside. She asks him to leave the General Store and take Rachel and Zeke with him. He does so. Guy returns with the coffee. Katya warns him to stay away from her family and tells him "if you don't tell the cops, I will." It's about time. The longer she kowtows to his blackmailing the worse it will get. Her secret is out, and she has to accept it. Pandering to Guy is doing no good at all.
Kinski Residence. Rachel and Bree. "Guy is really cool," opines Rachel. Understandably, Bree doesn't care. She tells Rachel that she is changing her name. It's not like Janelle is her birth mother and "Timmins," she holds, "is not exactly a badge of honour." Rachel wonders if this has anything to do with what Stingray said at the inept intervention they organised. Bree insists that it doesn't. "Bree Baxter," Rachel muses. Anne Baxter is, of course, the real Bree Timmins; the baby with whom Bree was exchanged shortly after her birth. Bree doesn't want to take the name 'Baxter' because "the Baxters are horrible" and she doesn't want to be associated with them. She tells Rachel that the system of naming children is inherently unfair and that a system whereby kids are given "numbers or something until they're old enough to name themselves" should be instituted. Bree has decided to call herself 'Trinity Black'. I roll my eyes. Oh, puh-leeze. The Wachowskis were so-last-century. Nobody but nobody thinks The Matrix is cool anymore. Rachel looks nonplussed.
Hospital. Carmella and a nun. The nun's name is Sister Josephine. Carmella thinks that God wants her back and that the facial scarring was His way of telling her. Sister Josephine doesn't think so. I wouldn't be so sure - He does work in mysterious ways that passeth all human understanding and, if you look at his MO through the ages, He can be very cruel. If Job had said to Sister Josephine, "All these afflictions! I think God is testing the strength of my faith!" would she likewise have looked kindly and dissuaded the notion? Or if, back in Moses' day, the Pharaoh had observed that "The deaths of all of our innocent first-born children must be God's way of telling me something," presumably, what she's just told Carmella would still stand. Anyhow, there's no place for her in the convent. It's not a place where you can escape from the tribulations of the real world. Exit Sister Josephine. Enter Rosetta. "What did she want?" asks Rosetta with an expression of extreme distaste. Carmella is distraught.
Scarlet Bar. Steiger and Mrs Steiger. I learn that Steiger's first name is "Alan". He really is coming into his own as a proper character now. They've gone for the old man=beer/woman=white wine archetype. Enter Pepper. She's still convinced that her parents are getting back together. They're both dressed up. Steiger is wearing his "best shirt". It's just an average plaid shirt, as far as I can make out. I guess she means that he's not wearing his police uniform. They're not getting back together. They're throwing Pepper and Frazer a surprise engagement party. Pepper looks taken aback.
Timmins house. Bree and Rachel. Bree discovers that you she'd have to be eighteen to change her name by Deed Poll. That doesn't mean that she can't change it unofficially though. She will heretofore be called 'Trinity' or 'Miss Black'. She's divvied up her friends and wants Rachel to inform half of them of her name-change. Zeke is at the head of Rachel's list. Rachel insists that Bree tell Zeke, but she refuses. They're still feuding over something or other. I forget what. I think Bree is in love with him and is terrified he'll reject her and she'll be hurt. She insists that just because Zeke is at the head of the list doesn't mean that she attaches any importance to him. The list is "reverse alphabetical". "No it isn't," says Rachel. Bree, Bree, Bree - you shouldn't have used such a disprovable lie. You could have said: "I put him at the top of your list because he's your brother and I figured you could tell him first." That would have worked. Isn't Bree supposed to be smart?
Scarlet Bar. The House of Trouser n00bs are gathered around Frazer's laptop. He and Will are sharing some headphones. They've bet on Pickle Prince - who should win unless it rains. The forecast isn't great. The race begins. They yell encouragement to Pickle Prince. Oh no! It's started to rain! Phew! Pickle Prince won anyway! Actually, that was reasonably suspenseful. And this gambling malarkey seems to be very profitable. Hold on a sec - I'll just put my life savings on some longshot somewhere and then I'll be able to afford to do whatever I want. There. It's done. Now - the waiting game. I'm so glad Neighbours encouraged me to become a reckless high-roller! Ned tells everyone he could kiss that horse. Awkward silence. On the cheek. Heh. Ned and Pickle Prince sitting in a tree ... Will calls 'Alan' (probably not Steiger) to tell him that the deal is off. Frazer doesn't want Rosetta to know that he had any part in raising the money for her operation.
Hospital. Rosetta and Carmella. "So much for Christian charity!" hardlines Rosetta. "It's not like that ..." protests Carmella feebly. "I can't live like this!" The scar, as I said last episode, is not that bad. Rosetta tells Carmella that she will swallow her pride and approach Mrs Corleone for the money for the operation. Carmella looks grateful. Enter Will. "The country's top burn specialist is flying in tomorrow to start burn treatment!" He tells them. He also mentions that Frazer is the hero of the hour.
Timmins domus. Zeke has been sent to retrieve Rachel. "Don't shoot the messenger," he urges her. Rachel hauls him in and insists that he and Bree sort things out. Rachel leaves. Bree tells Zeke that she is to be called Trinity Black now. Zeke tells her that Trinity is a cool name. No it isn't. Suck up. "I missed you," Bree admits. Zeke missed her too. They can be friends again. Bree tries to hug Zeke, and he pulls away, telling her that they must remain "just friends." There's someone else. And it's pretty serious. "It's not Madison, is it?" asks Bree fearfully. If only, Bree, if only. "No of course not! Madison is just a child," says Zeke dismissively. Bree looks heartbroken. Aw.
House of Hotties. Rosetta and Frazer. Rosetta wants to know why Frazer would help someone he barely knows to such a degree. Frazer is angry that the cat's out of the bag vis a vis his astute gambling. Speaking of which - it must be about time for me to collect my winnings ... Oh no! My life savings! My beautiful life savings! Gone! All gone! If I had any money left, I'd sue Reg Grundy for glamourising gambling. Frazer feels something for Rosie and she rejects him, citing his engagement to Pepper as the reason. Frazer's mobile keeps ringing - he repeatedly ignores it. It turns out that that was a mistake, because it was Pepper trying to warn him about the surprise engagement party. Which arrives in the kitchen.
Garden. People are thronging. Frazer wants to end the sham-engagement now. Pepper tells him that her father is a nasty cop and that he will be breathing down Frazer's neck if he calls things off so abruptly. Zeke overhears the exchange and looks furious. Steiger makes a speech beginning with the old saw "Brevity is the soul of wit". Thankfully, he is quite brief. He jokes that he's done a criminal records check on Frazer and found no priors "although the name change did throw me". Zeke butts in and interrupts the toast and
CRASHES AND BURNS.
Ouch. He tells everyone that the engagement is a phony and that Pepper loves him and him alone. Pepper tells him that she doesn't. Zeke runs off. "There's plenty of competition [for Pepper's hand] in the junior ranks." Jokes Steiger. Bree laughs.
Kitchen. Janae and Mrs Steiger. Janae tells her boss about the job offer from Rex Colt and Mrs Steiger tells her that he'll use her as a walking calendar girl. She tells Janae that she's hard on her because she wants her to be a really great mechanic. I think Janae was hoping for a pay-rise because she quits.
Garden. Steiger thinks that he and Frazer should get to know each other better. They should "go and bush for a weekend." They'd do what real men do. "Strip naked, daub ourselves with mud and make a drub." Frazer looks uncomfortable. Haha! Steiger's just joking he meant they should go fishing. What a guy! Pepper jokes with Rosetta that she should take up Zeke's offer. Zeke's pain and humiliation is pretty funny, but Pepper should bear in mind that she has, quite categorically, been leading him on.
Cut to Zeke sulking underneath a tree. Rachel approaches him. He tells her he "wants to get hit by a bit of white-hot space jink, incinerated into ashes and scattered by the wind." "That's just a tad unlikely, don't you think?" is her response. She laughs: "She's so much older than you?" "Did I laugh at you and Stingray?" snaps Zeke. Rachel is chastened. Zeke softens. "We can't choose who we love." This has been a repeated refrain of the past couple of weeks - one might almost call it a theme: Pepper loves Frazer; Elle loves Dylan; Lyn loves Paul; Rachel loves Stingray and none of them elected to love. Zeke tells Rachel that Pepper told him face to face that she loved him. Rachel is sceptical. Just at that moment, Pepper sleepwalks out and tells the two of them that she loves them. She sleepwalks away again. Convenient. Charlie Chaplin said that he could stomach coincidences - coincidences happen all the time in real life they are, undeniably, among the things that drive our lives forward, and inform our own personal narratives - but hated convenience in movies. Thus, it's certainly a contrivance of plot that in Chaplin's first feature length film The Kid it is the estranged mother who enters the deprived neighbourhood to give out toys to the poor, unwittingly handing one to her own son, but it is a coincidence which might well have happened in real life, and so it is conscionable. The appearance of the somnambulent Poo Poo falls, I think, into what Chaplin would have loathed as mere convenience. We saw her just seconds ago, wide awake at her engagement party, which was still in full swing. Zeke is just outside the House of Hotties, where the party is being held. Are we to believe that the party wound down, Pepper went to bed, went to sleep and then sleepwalked, while Zeke was sitting under the tree outside? Rachel would have seen him on leaving, and made no mention of the fact that she'd spent ages looking for him and Pepper made no mention of going to bed, or feeling tired. And for her to walk out at the very moment when Zeke was explaining to his sister how she'd confessed her love to him? Verisimilitude be damned! Rachel and Zeke must have Zeke's experience explained to them quickly, so convenience rules OK. This was lazy, lazy writing even by Neighbours lax standards.
Ext. Bree and Rachel are walking to school. Guy arrives in a car and abducts them. He takes a picture on his mobile phone "for the album". He's got the same mobile phone as me, only mine's orange (the colour, not the network). The resolution's terrible on that thing. If he sends it to Katya, she won't be able to make out what it's of.
Credits.
Happy Valentine's Day.
If you don't got a date then get one. Thus sprake the marketing men and women and the email spammers who are tasked with normalising society and making sure we all look the same and think the same unthreatening thoughts. Remember if you don't couple up and then have at least two children, then you are contributing to a population decline. Valentine's Day is a timely reminder from those who are happily doing their bit to those of us who have been less than proactive on the fecundity front. The whole business seems a bit pointless and tragic what with the end of the world and all.
Anyway, since it is Valentine's Day, I thought about theming my blog. I considered putting a poll in to see who'd be the best Neighbours character to go on a Valentine's Date with. However, it turns out that they’re all ad-powered and not actually that good. So I'd have ended up with loads of pop-ups and a not-very-meaningful result. I could only put three responses in, so would have been forced to narrow the field to a ludicrous degree. Dividing the survey up into men and women would also have been a problem. So, I’ll just ask outright and resign myself to not knowing the result:
Which Neighbours character would you least hate to be your Valentine?
For simplicity’s sake, I’ll limit the field to present characters. I’ll warn you now not to predicate your choice solely on looks. Elle Robinson is very good looking, but can you imagine sitting across a table from her in a fancy restaurant? You’d crack a great joke and she’d look puzzled and constipated, then you’d say something really intelligent and profound and she’d look ... puzzled and constipated. Also if, heaven forbid, she were to fall desperately ill, you could never be absolutely sure that she wasn’t faking it. By the same token, Ned ‘Boringbelly’ Parker is so very, very dull. Sure, he's got the looks, but has he got the touch?
You’d also have to be very careful in ending the relationship, because if you were to break up with him or her, one or other of you would certainly be pregnant.
Here's my choice: I'd go out with Sky. Sure, she's got a baby and she's not sure which of two brothers is the father, but that's not a big deal when you consider the overpowering argument that "we like the same stuff". I would have chosen Pepper, but she's a little too girly and silly and I wouldn't want to face the wrath of Zeke. He creeps me out. The chief problem I foresee in my relationship with Sky would be that, if love is quantifiable, and it is, she would only love me 56%. Mind you, she might let me play with her cuddly Totoro in recompense for the fact that she could never love me as I loved her. According to that love calculator, Lou Carpenter would love Nosey Rosie a staggering 91%. She's in there.
By the way, the answer to yesterday's cryptic clue was, of course, Erinsborough's favourite drink: "Tazzle".
Neighbours - 06/02/07
Previouslys: Guy and Katya and the silver foil; Will and the old man; Katya and Will discussing specialist treatment for Carmella.
The episode title is "Wholly Trinity" which is, of course, a pun on the theological concept of the tripartite God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The pun is actually an astute ontological one; although God comprises three distinct facets of creator, flesh and logos, He remains a monolithic entity: One God. This duality absorbs St John the Apostle for the opening part of his gospel ("In the beginning was the Word ... etc") and it is the notion that Ælfric worried that the common man would wrestle with after he had translated the Bible into the Anglo-Saxon demotic. I couldn't find an online text of his wonderful preface to his translation of Genesis, but think it is worth citing at length nonetheless. The translation from Old English is my own, so I apologise for any inaccuracies, ugliness or clunkiness:
"We say above that the book [Genesis] is very deep to understand spiritually and we will not write any more except the bare narrative. Then it seems to the unlearned priest that all the sense may be locked in that simple narrative; but it is very far from that. The book is called ‘Genesis,’ that is ‘the book of origins’ because it is the first of the books and it speaks about every origin but it is does not speak about the creation of the Angels. It begins thus: “In principio creauit deus celum et terrum” and that is in English “In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.” It was truly so done, that God Almighty in the beginning made creation when he wanted to. Nevertheless, according to the spiritual sense, that beginning is as Christ said to the Jews: “I am the beginning who speak before you.” Through this beginning God the Father created Heaven and Earth, because he created all creatures through the Son, he who was always born to him, bringing wisdom to the wise Father.
Next, there stands in the book in the first verse, “Et spiritus dei farebatus super aquas,” that is, in English, “And God’s spirit was borne over the water.” God’s spirit is the Holy Ghost, through which the Father gave life to all creatures that he created through the Son, and the Holy Ghost goes through the hearts of men and he gives to us forgiveness of sins, first through the baptism and after through penance; and if anybody scorns the forgiveness which the Holy Ghost gives, then his sin is always unforgiveable through eternity. Next, this Holy Trinity is revealed in this book as it is in the word that God spoke: “Let us make man in our image.” When he said “Let us make” is the Trinity revealed; when he said “in our image” is the true unity revealed; he did not say in the plural “in our images” but in the singular “in our image.” Afterwards, there came three Angels to Abraham and he spoke to them all three as one. How did the blood of Abel cry out to God except as each man’s misdeeds accuse him to God without words? By these small examples one may understand how deep the book is in a spiritual sense, although it may be written with simple words. Again, Joseph, who was sold into Egypt and rescued the people from the great famine, had the tokening of Christ, who was sold into death for us and rescued us from the eternal hunger of the torment of Hell."
Three-as-one, both a holy and a wholly Trinity. I very much doubt that that's what the Neighbours writers had in mind when they titled the episode, however. Back to our favourite show:
Ext. Garage. Will is talking on his mobile phone. He wants an advance of the funds. He has made a deal, we can safely suppose, to secure finance for Carmella's operation. Cut to Pepper. She is talking to her mother at the garage. They're playing that "Don't Look Back" song on the radio! I haven't heard it for ages: "Don't look back / Nothing's ever easy / If you stay on track / Something's going to find you!" Pepper's Mum is arranging to meet up with her with Steiger in the Scarlet Bar. Pepper is hopeful that this means that her parents are getting back together. Exit Pepper. Enter Janae. Janae is wearing pink overalls. She doesn't think it does any harm to emphasise the fact that this is an all-female garage. The overalls highlight their femininity without being overtly sexual. The ex-Mrs Steiger looks exasperatedly amused. She tells Janae either to go and change into blue overalls or go home and miss a half-day's wages.
House of Hotties. All the residents are gathered in the kitchen. They are discussing Carmella's predicament. Will emphasises that "time is of the essence". Katya told him that the decision to have surgery needed to be taken in a matter of days. They discuss fundraising issues. I wonder why Mrs Corleone wouldn't step in to help her daughter? Rosetta says "No way I'm asking Mum for the money." O...kay. Why not? Frazer tells the assembly that he has a tip on a race "this arvo". But they'd need to raise a stake. Will takes off his watch. Frazer thought that the watch was a cheap Thai knock-off. It isn't.
Garage. Janae is wearing blue overalls again. She's sweeping up. "G'die sweetheart," says a middle-aged man. It transpires that his name is Rex and that he owns a garage called "Black Stallion" which is in direct competition with the one where Janae works. He's been losing business to them. Janae posits that this is because her boss is a great mechanic. Rex doesn't think so. He thinks that it has a lot to do with the fact that Janae started working there. He wants to poach her, promising that he wouldn't make her sweep the floors at his place. He writes something on the back of a business card and shows it to Janae. "That would be your starting salary," he tells her. "What? Per fortnight?" I thought that a salary was paid monthly. "No," says Rex impressively, "per week." Janae's jaw drops. Basically, the pay-rate is double what she thought. Doesn't sound jaw-droppingly impressive to me. And what sort of training package will he offer? I think that this will prove to be a poisoned chalice.
General Store. Ned, Rachel, Zeke. Ned is pointing at Rachel and Zeke challenges him to what can only be described as a finger duel. As they parry and thrust at one another, Katya enters from outside, and Guy comes into shot from the counter with a tray of milkshakes. He gives Zeke a chocolate milkshake, and Rachel a vanilla. For Ned he has a "manly strawberry." He's humouring Ned. There's nothing whatever that's "manly" about strawberries. He offers to get something for Katya, pretending to remember her favourite drink from their days at nursing college together. What was it she liked - ah yes "a hit." He's referring to her drug addiction. He lets her off the hook by qualifying it with "of caffeine". He trots off to get her a double espresso. Guy is one of those "centres of evil" I mentioned the other day. Basically, he's Guy of Gisbourne. Zeke tells Katya that Guy has offered to bowl a few at him in the nets. I'm furious - he's still practising his cricket skills after I expressly asked him not to! I suppose it doesn't matter so much since we gave the Aussies a drubbing in the One Day Series. By rights, they should give us the Ashes back now, since we are clearly the superior cricketing nation. Rachel asks Katya if it's true that she "almost got kicked out of nurses' college". Katya looks uneasy. She asks Ned if she can have a word with him and leads him outside. She asks him to leave the General Store and take Rachel and Zeke with him. He does so. Guy returns with the coffee. Katya warns him to stay away from her family and tells him "if you don't tell the cops, I will." It's about time. The longer she kowtows to his blackmailing the worse it will get. Her secret is out, and she has to accept it. Pandering to Guy is doing no good at all.
Kinski Residence. Rachel and Bree. "Guy is really cool," opines Rachel. Understandably, Bree doesn't care. She tells Rachel that she is changing her name. It's not like Janelle is her birth mother and "Timmins," she holds, "is not exactly a badge of honour." Rachel wonders if this has anything to do with what Stingray said at the inept intervention they organised. Bree insists that it doesn't. "Bree Baxter," Rachel muses. Anne Baxter is, of course, the real Bree Timmins; the baby with whom Bree was exchanged shortly after her birth. Bree doesn't want to take the name 'Baxter' because "the Baxters are horrible" and she doesn't want to be associated with them. She tells Rachel that the system of naming children is inherently unfair and that a system whereby kids are given "numbers or something until they're old enough to name themselves" should be instituted. Bree has decided to call herself 'Trinity Black'. I roll my eyes. Oh, puh-leeze. The Wachowskis were so-last-century. Nobody but nobody thinks The Matrix is cool anymore. Rachel looks nonplussed.
Hospital. Carmella and a nun. The nun's name is Sister Josephine. Carmella thinks that God wants her back and that the facial scarring was His way of telling her. Sister Josephine doesn't think so. I wouldn't be so sure - He does work in mysterious ways that passeth all human understanding and, if you look at his MO through the ages, He can be very cruel. If Job had said to Sister Josephine, "All these afflictions! I think God is testing the strength of my faith!" would she likewise have looked kindly and dissuaded the notion? Or if, back in Moses' day, the Pharaoh had observed that "The deaths of all of our innocent first-born children must be God's way of telling me something," presumably, what she's just told Carmella would still stand. Anyhow, there's no place for her in the convent. It's not a place where you can escape from the tribulations of the real world. Exit Sister Josephine. Enter Rosetta. "What did she want?" asks Rosetta with an expression of extreme distaste. Carmella is distraught.
Scarlet Bar. Steiger and Mrs Steiger. I learn that Steiger's first name is "Alan". He really is coming into his own as a proper character now. They've gone for the old man=beer/woman=white wine archetype. Enter Pepper. She's still convinced that her parents are getting back together. They're both dressed up. Steiger is wearing his "best shirt". It's just an average plaid shirt, as far as I can make out. I guess she means that he's not wearing his police uniform. They're not getting back together. They're throwing Pepper and Frazer a surprise engagement party. Pepper looks taken aback.
Timmins house. Bree and Rachel. Bree discovers that you she'd have to be eighteen to change her name by Deed Poll. That doesn't mean that she can't change it unofficially though. She will heretofore be called 'Trinity' or 'Miss Black'. She's divvied up her friends and wants Rachel to inform half of them of her name-change. Zeke is at the head of Rachel's list. Rachel insists that Bree tell Zeke, but she refuses. They're still feuding over something or other. I forget what. I think Bree is in love with him and is terrified he'll reject her and she'll be hurt. She insists that just because Zeke is at the head of the list doesn't mean that she attaches any importance to him. The list is "reverse alphabetical". "No it isn't," says Rachel. Bree, Bree, Bree - you shouldn't have used such a disprovable lie. You could have said: "I put him at the top of your list because he's your brother and I figured you could tell him first." That would have worked. Isn't Bree supposed to be smart?
Scarlet Bar. The House of Trouser n00bs are gathered around Frazer's laptop. He and Will are sharing some headphones. They've bet on Pickle Prince - who should win unless it rains. The forecast isn't great. The race begins. They yell encouragement to Pickle Prince. Oh no! It's started to rain! Phew! Pickle Prince won anyway! Actually, that was reasonably suspenseful. And this gambling malarkey seems to be very profitable. Hold on a sec - I'll just put my life savings on some longshot somewhere and then I'll be able to afford to do whatever I want. There. It's done. Now - the waiting game. I'm so glad Neighbours encouraged me to become a reckless high-roller! Ned tells everyone he could kiss that horse. Awkward silence. On the cheek. Heh. Ned and Pickle Prince sitting in a tree ... Will calls 'Alan' (probably not Steiger) to tell him that the deal is off. Frazer doesn't want Rosetta to know that he had any part in raising the money for her operation.
Hospital. Rosetta and Carmella. "So much for Christian charity!" hardlines Rosetta. "It's not like that ..." protests Carmella feebly. "I can't live like this!" The scar, as I said last episode, is not that bad. Rosetta tells Carmella that she will swallow her pride and approach Mrs Corleone for the money for the operation. Carmella looks grateful. Enter Will. "The country's top burn specialist is flying in tomorrow to start burn treatment!" He tells them. He also mentions that Frazer is the hero of the hour.
Timmins domus. Zeke has been sent to retrieve Rachel. "Don't shoot the messenger," he urges her. Rachel hauls him in and insists that he and Bree sort things out. Rachel leaves. Bree tells Zeke that she is to be called Trinity Black now. Zeke tells her that Trinity is a cool name. No it isn't. Suck up. "I missed you," Bree admits. Zeke missed her too. They can be friends again. Bree tries to hug Zeke, and he pulls away, telling her that they must remain "just friends." There's someone else. And it's pretty serious. "It's not Madison, is it?" asks Bree fearfully. If only, Bree, if only. "No of course not! Madison is just a child," says Zeke dismissively. Bree looks heartbroken. Aw.
House of Hotties. Rosetta and Frazer. Rosetta wants to know why Frazer would help someone he barely knows to such a degree. Frazer is angry that the cat's out of the bag vis a vis his astute gambling. Speaking of which - it must be about time for me to collect my winnings ... Oh no! My life savings! My beautiful life savings! Gone! All gone! If I had any money left, I'd sue Reg Grundy for glamourising gambling. Frazer feels something for Rosie and she rejects him, citing his engagement to Pepper as the reason. Frazer's mobile keeps ringing - he repeatedly ignores it. It turns out that that was a mistake, because it was Pepper trying to warn him about the surprise engagement party. Which arrives in the kitchen.
Garden. People are thronging. Frazer wants to end the sham-engagement now. Pepper tells him that her father is a nasty cop and that he will be breathing down Frazer's neck if he calls things off so abruptly. Zeke overhears the exchange and looks furious. Steiger makes a speech beginning with the old saw "Brevity is the soul of wit". Thankfully, he is quite brief. He jokes that he's done a criminal records check on Frazer and found no priors "although the name change did throw me". Zeke butts in and interrupts the toast and
CRASHES AND BURNS.
Ouch. He tells everyone that the engagement is a phony and that Pepper loves him and him alone. Pepper tells him that she doesn't. Zeke runs off. "There's plenty of competition [for Pepper's hand] in the junior ranks." Jokes Steiger. Bree laughs.
Kitchen. Janae and Mrs Steiger. Janae tells her boss about the job offer from Rex Colt and Mrs Steiger tells her that he'll use her as a walking calendar girl. She tells Janae that she's hard on her because she wants her to be a really great mechanic. I think Janae was hoping for a pay-rise because she quits.
Garden. Steiger thinks that he and Frazer should get to know each other better. They should "go and bush for a weekend." They'd do what real men do. "Strip naked, daub ourselves with mud and make a drub." Frazer looks uncomfortable. Haha! Steiger's just joking he meant they should go fishing. What a guy! Pepper jokes with Rosetta that she should take up Zeke's offer. Zeke's pain and humiliation is pretty funny, but Pepper should bear in mind that she has, quite categorically, been leading him on.
Cut to Zeke sulking underneath a tree. Rachel approaches him. He tells her he "wants to get hit by a bit of white-hot space jink, incinerated into ashes and scattered by the wind." "That's just a tad unlikely, don't you think?" is her response. She laughs: "She's so much older than you?" "Did I laugh at you and Stingray?" snaps Zeke. Rachel is chastened. Zeke softens. "We can't choose who we love." This has been a repeated refrain of the past couple of weeks - one might almost call it a theme: Pepper loves Frazer; Elle loves Dylan; Lyn loves Paul; Rachel loves Stingray and none of them elected to love. Zeke tells Rachel that Pepper told him face to face that she loved him. Rachel is sceptical. Just at that moment, Pepper sleepwalks out and tells the two of them that she loves them. She sleepwalks away again. Convenient. Charlie Chaplin said that he could stomach coincidences - coincidences happen all the time in real life they are, undeniably, among the things that drive our lives forward, and inform our own personal narratives - but hated convenience in movies. Thus, it's certainly a contrivance of plot that in Chaplin's first feature length film The Kid it is the estranged mother who enters the deprived neighbourhood to give out toys to the poor, unwittingly handing one to her own son, but it is a coincidence which might well have happened in real life, and so it is conscionable. The appearance of the somnambulent Poo Poo falls, I think, into what Chaplin would have loathed as mere convenience. We saw her just seconds ago, wide awake at her engagement party, which was still in full swing. Zeke is just outside the House of Hotties, where the party is being held. Are we to believe that the party wound down, Pepper went to bed, went to sleep and then sleepwalked, while Zeke was sitting under the tree outside? Rachel would have seen him on leaving, and made no mention of the fact that she'd spent ages looking for him and Pepper made no mention of going to bed, or feeling tired. And for her to walk out at the very moment when Zeke was explaining to his sister how she'd confessed her love to him? Verisimilitude be damned! Rachel and Zeke must have Zeke's experience explained to them quickly, so convenience rules OK. This was lazy, lazy writing even by Neighbours lax standards.
Ext. Bree and Rachel are walking to school. Guy arrives in a car and abducts them. He takes a picture on his mobile phone "for the album". He's got the same mobile phone as me, only mine's orange (the colour, not the network). The resolution's terrible on that thing. If he sends it to Katya, she won't be able to make out what it's of.
Credits.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Sunday, 11 February 2007
Thanks to top band the French give wonderful drink (6)
The answer to the riddling, cryptic title of the last instalment was, of course, "Neighbours". I had a dream about the show last night. Loris just dropped dead for no apparent reason and Harold was devastated; it brought back memories of Madge's death. There was a serial rapist stalking Ramsay Street and it turned out that it was Karl Kennedy. Susan resolved never to forgive him. I remember thinking that it was a really eventful episode, but didn't register the fact that I was dreaming until I was on the point of waking up. I'm telling you about the dream now, because, frankly, it's a good deal more interesting than the last couple of episodes of the real-life show I've watched.
Neighbours - 05/02/07
The Previouslys are harbingers of dullness and inconsequence. We get Pepper and Frazer talking about their ersatz-engagement and Zeke spying on them and looking risibly unmenacing; Lou and Mishka discussing her pulling a sickie to get out of work; and Pepper somnambulently telling Zeke that she loves him.
The episode title is "A Scar is Born". This is a punning reference to George Cukor's 1954 Judy Garland/James Mason flick "A Star is Born". I assume that despite Carmella's absence from the Previouslys, the make-up people have finally finished work on her disfigured face.
House of Hotties. Frazer is off to "Body Attack" which might be sadomasochism club where he will submit himself to be beaten by his fellow members or, more likely and mundane, a gym. Will is looking for some of "Pepper's daggy romance novels". In point of fact, as I divined from a previous episode, the novels belong to Rosetta. Rosetta is working at the kitchen table and tells Will not to waste his time with Carmella. "You can't trust her," she insists. Will demurs. They both leave. Frazer reads Rosetta's diary. Dude! That's such a breach of privacy and trust. He discovers that Rosetta has feelings for Will, and that she's undecided as to whether to tell Will Carmella's baby-selling secret. Frazer is unable to delve further, or to find out what the secret is, because Rosetta returns.
General Store. Two teenagers are, in the parlance of Erinsborough, 'pashing'. The back of the guy's head looks a little like Stingray's. I don't think it's him though. Lou and Mishka are watching them. Mishka is tolerant of the "frisky teenagers", regarding their tongue wrestling as something natural, something to be condoned. Lou, on the other hand, wants them out of the store. It's his prerogative. There's not really any call for teenagers to be horny in public. He shouts at them and the boy turns around. It's not Stingray, it's just some goofy-looking extra. Apparently they're just excited by the Tazzle that Mishka's been using in lieu of the regular ingredients for the milkshakes. Tazzle is, as we all know, a potent aphrodisiac.
Elsewhere in the General Store. Zeke is reading Poo Poo's poetry. It's awful, and I do mean awful. It's the worst poem I think I've ever had the misfortune of reading. It is worse even than the sonnet I wrote about the disappearance of little Kerry and published on this blog. Poo Poo, like Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing, was not born under a rhyming planet. Here is the poem in its entirety, as it was written and intoned by Pepper in a voice-over:
"No more chains
That you gave me.
Enough of rain.
Now I'm craving
Something real, something right.
How do you stand sleeping at night?"
Zeke is rapt. Didn't he used to be really well-read? How can he stand this terrible thing?
The first line has three syllables, while the second, third and fourth have four. The caesura on the fourth and fifth lines trespasses into the closing couplet - a couplet which comprises a line of six syllables, followed by a line of eight syllables. The rhyming of "gave me" and "craving" is wretched and contrived and I'm not crazy about "chains" and "rain". From a technical perspective, then, it's a mess. But the poem's technical deficiencies pale into insignificance when you consider its argument. The speaker addresses someone external to the poem, as Christopher Marlowe does in 'The Passionate Shepherd to His Love' and Andrew Marvell does in 'To His Coy Mistress'. (NB. the site I've linked to for the Marlowe poem cites the date of the poem as 1599, but this is impossible, because Marlowe was killed in 1593. Based on internal evidence in his plays, most scholars date the poem to the mid-1580s). From the first two lines "No more chains / That you gave me" we may infer that the addressee is a cloying or overprotective lover. The chains may, of course, be literal; they could stand for both gifts of jewellery and tokens of emotional straitening and circumscription. The speaker thus becomes a wronged, plaintive lover in the spirit of Ovid's Heroides. We can discount the idea that the speaker is more shallow, complaining only that her boyfriend isn't buying her necklaces any more, by the simple expedient of the use of the past-participle in the second line. The chains that he "gave" her no longer exist. In other words, it isn't that she's stopped receiving gifts, but that she's cast aside (or cast off) those that she's been given already.
The 'chain' metaphor or, rather, the interplay of the senses of 'jewellery' and 'manacle', is quickly abandoned for one of what Ruskin termed "pathetic fallacy". The third line tells us that the relationship has brought "rain" and for this reason the speaker eschews it. "Enough of rain," she says. This metaphor is then also restlessly tossed aside: "Now I'm craving / Something real, something right." Literary language and figures, the language of poetry, is not equal to her "craving". She has, in the preceding lines, expressed nothing 'real' nor 'right' - which is to say, nothing unadorned and exact. Unless, of course, her lover has literally given her chains, which she has now rejected and destroyed, and it is, in fact, raining. Assuming that the rain and chains are in fact figures, then the fourth and fifth lines disclaim their legitimacy in the same breath that she asserts that her relationship with the object of the poem has nothing of reality about it. So far so confusing, but there is a certain logic to the poem which can, just about, be discerned with a great deal of effort and supposition on the reader's part. The last line of the poem, however, doesn't really make any sense. At all. "How do you stand sleeping at night?" Unless the person she's addressing sleeps standing up. In which case it's a reasonable question.
If, rather, she's asking how her lover is able to sleep at night, then she's projecting her own feelings of her illusory freedom from him and her striving after validity and cogency in the relationship onto him. She can't sleep at night, so why should he be able to? In this way she conflates herself with him, male with female, like the myth of Hermaphroditus and Samalcis in Book Four of the Metamorphoses or that of Venus and Adonis in the "Garden of Venus" episode of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene.
("The cause why she was couered with a vele,
Was hard to know, for that her Priests the same
From peoples knowledge labour'd to concele.
But sooth it was not sure for womanish shame,
Nor any blemish, which the worke mote blame;
But for, they say, she hath both kinds in one,
Both male and female, both vnder one name:
She syre and mother is her selfe alone,
Begets and eke conceiues, ne needeth other none." - Book IIII, Canto X)
In admitting that she cannot see how the addressee sleeps at night, Pepper's speaker-persona is undermining her own argument from the earlier part of the poem. The reality and rectitude she so craves condemn her to sleeplessness; the chains are still present and potent, the rain continues to fall.
In conclusion, Poo Poo's poem is utter turd.
Zeke is uncritical and continues to read and re-read the poem. Janae enters. Zeke asks for her advice "as a married woman". He wants to know how to be more mature I guess. Janae tells him that she and Boyd are soulmates, and, although she thought he was too good for her, their marriage is joyous and successful, so he should pursue his beloved. Boyd enters, overhears Janae talking about him being perfect for her and slinks away again. I haven't seen Boyd for ages and ages. He's been searching Australia for Max. Now that the House of Trouser has become the House of Hotties, where do he and Janae live? I guess they've moved in with Steph.
Hospital. Frazer steals some flowers from a vase and goes in to see Carmella. He apologises that his tired, stolen flowers will be nothing compared to Will's gifts. He tells her that Will cares for her a lot. He's trying to guilt her into telling him her secret. Enter Will. Frazer leaves. Will has indeed brought gifts. He's got her chocolates, a crossword book, fruit, magazines and the aforementioned trashy romance novels. Their titles? Can't Get Enough and Ascending the Elevator of Love. He wonders which one she should read first. I know which one I'd choose:
" "Which floor?" he asked gruffly after the silvery, shimmering doors had closed behind her elegant posterior.
She flushed deepest red at his attention, being unused to the men and to the feelings, not to say the passions, that their hardness and masculinity stirred in her breast. "Seven," she breathed.
He drank in with his eyes, her upturned face, her high, well-defined cheekbones, her sea-blue eyes, her shy little smile. "Did you say 'heaven', my angel?" he said with a raised eyebrow and a boyish grin. She gasped at his brazenness and looked studiously upon the drab, carpeted floor of the elevator."
Ascending the Elevator of Love sounds a damn-sight more interesting than this nothing-episode is proving to be. Carmella is about to 'fess up to the baby-selling caper, but Will prevents her from doing so. He wants to let the dead past bury its dead, to let her start with a "clean slate".
Hoyland Homestead. Boyd. They do live with Steph. So that's that riddle solved. Janae enters and Boyd scrambles to hide, but leaves his bag in plain view. Something's up. Janae finds him and enthuses about the fact that he has returned, but he does not seem happy to see her and outright rejects her sexual overtures. Hmm.
Hospital. Rosetta and Carmella. "Do you think it's right to let him continue visiting you under false pretences?" asks Rosetta. She's talking about Will. How do you visit someone under false pretences? Rosetta's desperately inventing ethical quandaries where there are none. Carmella rightly tells her that it's none of her business. "He's a lovely, decent guy, Carmella," says Rosetta. She's obviously given up on claiming that he has substance and depth. Maybe she's got to know him better. "He deserves to be loved without any games or lies." It dawns on Carmella that Rosetta has the hots for Will. She instructs her sister to "Tell him. If you want to crucify your sister for some guy, then be my guest." Rosetta looks shocked by the outburst. Maybe it will help her to clarify her moral dilemma.
Castle Hoyland. Boyd and Janae. Boyd is relating the story of his search for Max. He finally realised that "Dad's not going to be found unless he wants to be." In other words, Australia is a very, very big country. I could have told him that, and I don't live there. He gave up on the wild goose chase and came home. Janae again tries to initiate sex and Boyd again recoils from her. What's up with him? Don't tell me that Max was right about them in the first place. No relationship can be allowed to survive on this wretched show.
House of Hotties nee Trouser. Will is cooking for Carmella. Rosetta asks why he's going to so much trouble for her. Will tells her that he didn't let her come clean. "WHY??" demands Rosetta. "She's got enough to deal with," says Will and he's right. "She doesn't deserve a friend like you," observes Rosetta. "Maybe it's me who doesn't deserve her," says Will. That's not a valid argument, it's just a variation of the Russian Reversal technique. Carmella, in Soviet Russia, Will doesn't deserve YOU!! Rosetta doubts that this is the case. Rosetta has decided not to tell which is, I think, the correct choice. Well done.
House of Hotties Pool. We're in Zeke's fantasy world in which he's a pool-man with a bad-shirt and stupid shades. I can tell it's a fantasy because the edges of the screen are a bit blurry and the resolution's dipped. A scantily clad Pepper approaches him and tells him he's a "real man". Zeke's also got slicked back hair in his daydream. Surely to goodness, he can come up with a better fantasy than this? Pepper calls to him brusquely - and we're back to reality. It turns out that Zeke is, in fact, cleaning the pool. I can't believe that Pepper's using him like this. Pepper dismisses him and he scampers happily away. Little idiot. Enter Rosetta, Zeke shouts a cheery hello to her, before disappearing. Rosetta is in swimwear. Pepper asks her what's up. She replies that she intends to do some laps, since she has been remiss since moving into the erstwhile House of Trouser. Pepper avers that Rosetta's response was the most "appalling deflection I've ever seen. I'm a schoolteacher and I've seen a few." Not as many as I have - I'm a Neighbours viewer. Rosetta admits that she has a crush and Will and that, shock! horror!, she's a virgin.
General Store. Lou and Mishka are still going on and on about the Tazzle. I've had it up to here with the frickin' Tazzle! What? Is it laced with heroin or something? Why is it so blooming great? Perhaps it will prove to be carcinogenic (like Max Hoyland is) and everyone in Erinsborough will die a lingering death, and they'll all curse the day they ever heard of Tazzle! Mishka is pouring Tazzle into Lou's coffee. Boyd and Janae approach the counter. Boyd wants some breakfast, and is pretty rude in demanding it. Now that he's training to be a doctor, he thinks that he's too important for good manners. Janae wants a Tazzle milkshake. Lou wonders why the young couple aren't at home, if you know what he means. "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge," he says. "Say no more, say no more," pleads Boyd. Once again it is emphasised for us that Janae wants sex and Boyd doesn't. Boyd gets a phone call. "The newspaper interviewed me when I was in Tasmania and that's all I've got to say. Don't call me again!" Suspicious.
Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is interrogating her housemate. She can't believe she's a virgin. Then, it's her turn to come clean about her love-life. She's got Rosetta beat in the love and woe department, she insists. She and Frazer aren't engaged and, in fact, hardly even knew each other. They only pretended to be engaged to get into a house. It's easier for settled, double-income couples apparently. Will and Rosetta managed okay though.
Ext. Will carrying tupperware. There's that guy in the car again. I'd forgotten about him. He has something to do with Will. We're supposed to think he's a criminal or something. He wants Will to get into the car with him. Will declines. "Park here if you please, Jones," says the old man to his driver. He wonders if chauffeur-driven limousines are a regular sight on Ramsay Street. I'm not sure of the exact definition of 'limousine' is but I'm reasonably sure that it doesn't include the BMW saloon that Jones is driving. Did you think I wouldn't notice, old man? Will gets into the car.
Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is persisting in talking about her and Frazer's unconvincing backstory. She thinks Frazer has a thing for Rosetta - and she's welcome to him if she wants him. She thinks she will "die old and alone with cats." You're never alone when you have cats, Pepper. Besides, Zeke would marry you in a heartbeat. I assume you're keeping him around to massage your ego, but think of him as a potential failsafe. She and Rosetta hatch some stupid scheme or other. Pepper's trying too hard. I don't know what they're talking about, I'm not really paying attention. I'm still thinking about Ascending the Elevator of Love:
"Her index finger trembling, she pushed the call button and then she waited anxiously. Please, please, please don't let him be in there again! She didn't know if she could stand it. Her trepidation increased in direct proportion to the lighted numbers above the elevator, mounting and mounting as the lift ascended. One. Two. Three. Four. Her bosom was heaving, and she felt dizzy and hot. Five. Oh no. Six. Almost here. Seven. Bing! The doors opened slowly, seductively. It was empty. Her relief was palpable. Her heart juddering against her ribcage, she stepped into the lift. The doors closed behind her.
"Are you going up or down?" he asked. She jumped and then froze and slowly swung around. He was standing in the corner, next to the control panel against the wall. That's why she hadn't seen him.
"I'm going down," she said softly.
"I bet you are," he said with a dirty leer. "I bet you are." "
Car. Will and old man. Aha! I think that the old man is Will's father. So, they're finally getting around to resolving this mystery. Shame I've lost interest. They blew it. They left it too long and they blew it. Apparently, Will is endangering his birthright with his prince and the pauper-act. Whatever.
Harold's place. Lou and Mishka. Mishka is feeding Lou. She declares that it is "time for canoodle". Lou jokes that it is "canoodle-a-clock". They commence canoodling. Lou has a flashback to Mishka pushing him down the stairs in Russia. It's every bit as good as I'd imagined it. Mishka wonders what's the matter with her Lou Bear. "You look like you see ghost of Stalin." Not any ghost, of course, because Mishka is Russian. Lou's vivid memory prevents them from canoodling. Oh, well.
Ext. Zeke and Will. Zeke saw Will in the car. Blah, blah, blah. Here's more from Ascending the Elevator of Love:
"Surely this time ... this time she could have the elevator to herself. Or, at least, it wouldn't be the two of them alone. She had been varying her start and finish times at the office, so she wouldn't come into contact with him, but so far this had been to no avail. She held her breath as she counted down the floors until it reached her. The doors spread luxuriously apart. She didn't dare to look to see if he was there, and, eyes pointed downward, she stepped briskly inside.
"Why hello," came the familiar, baritone voice.
"Holy hell!" she exclaimed vociferously, her patience and her coyness gone. "Do you just spend your whole day riding up and down in the elevator?"
"Yes," he said in silken tones, "I do." "
Hospital. Some doctor who isn't Karl (what's going on? I'm scared.) is undressing Carmella's wound. Will is there to lend support. The doctor warns Carmella not to expect to see her old self smiling back at her, and tells her that her treatment still has a long way to go. The bandages are removed. Will winces. Come on, Will! That wasn't very well done. Too late, he recovers himself and tells Carmella that she looks fine. Carmella demands a mirror. She sees her disfigured face for the first time and so do we. It really isn't that bad. Considering she had a pot of boiling water thrown in her face, she's extremely lucky. Just looks like a nasty blister. Not too big, localised to the lower part of her cheek. That'll fade in no time. Carmella doesn't think so. She thinks she's hideous. Will puts on a brave face, but I can tell that he thinks so too. They're all overreacting. She's got off very lightly. It really isn't as bad as all that. Will leaves, bumping into Katya in the lobby outside. Katya tells him that the operation that Carmella will need is very expensive and she doesn't have the insurance. Will looks thoughtful - perhaps he'll have to approach his father for money and resume his rightful place as the Prince of Tasmania, or whatever the hell he is.
Credits.
(If you're wondering how Ascending the Elevator of Love ended then ... er ... the elevator broke down between floors one day and they were trapped. They sat around talking for hours and hours about their feelings and stuff and she realised that behind his macho posturing and libidinous comments there lay a shy, sensitive man who liked the same things that she liked. Then the elevator was fixed and they went on with their day to day lives. The next day, she purposefully stopped the elevator between floors and then got it on with him. And then ... um ... they lived happily ever after and he fulfilled her girlhood dream by buying her a pony. The End.)
Neighbours - 05/02/07
The Previouslys are harbingers of dullness and inconsequence. We get Pepper and Frazer talking about their ersatz-engagement and Zeke spying on them and looking risibly unmenacing; Lou and Mishka discussing her pulling a sickie to get out of work; and Pepper somnambulently telling Zeke that she loves him.
The episode title is "A Scar is Born". This is a punning reference to George Cukor's 1954 Judy Garland/James Mason flick "A Star is Born". I assume that despite Carmella's absence from the Previouslys, the make-up people have finally finished work on her disfigured face.
House of Hotties. Frazer is off to "Body Attack" which might be sadomasochism club where he will submit himself to be beaten by his fellow members or, more likely and mundane, a gym. Will is looking for some of "Pepper's daggy romance novels". In point of fact, as I divined from a previous episode, the novels belong to Rosetta. Rosetta is working at the kitchen table and tells Will not to waste his time with Carmella. "You can't trust her," she insists. Will demurs. They both leave. Frazer reads Rosetta's diary. Dude! That's such a breach of privacy and trust. He discovers that Rosetta has feelings for Will, and that she's undecided as to whether to tell Will Carmella's baby-selling secret. Frazer is unable to delve further, or to find out what the secret is, because Rosetta returns.
General Store. Two teenagers are, in the parlance of Erinsborough, 'pashing'. The back of the guy's head looks a little like Stingray's. I don't think it's him though. Lou and Mishka are watching them. Mishka is tolerant of the "frisky teenagers", regarding their tongue wrestling as something natural, something to be condoned. Lou, on the other hand, wants them out of the store. It's his prerogative. There's not really any call for teenagers to be horny in public. He shouts at them and the boy turns around. It's not Stingray, it's just some goofy-looking extra. Apparently they're just excited by the Tazzle that Mishka's been using in lieu of the regular ingredients for the milkshakes. Tazzle is, as we all know, a potent aphrodisiac.
Elsewhere in the General Store. Zeke is reading Poo Poo's poetry. It's awful, and I do mean awful. It's the worst poem I think I've ever had the misfortune of reading. It is worse even than the sonnet I wrote about the disappearance of little Kerry and published on this blog. Poo Poo, like Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing, was not born under a rhyming planet. Here is the poem in its entirety, as it was written and intoned by Pepper in a voice-over:
"No more chains
That you gave me.
Enough of rain.
Now I'm craving
Something real, something right.
How do you stand sleeping at night?"
Zeke is rapt. Didn't he used to be really well-read? How can he stand this terrible thing?
The first line has three syllables, while the second, third and fourth have four. The caesura on the fourth and fifth lines trespasses into the closing couplet - a couplet which comprises a line of six syllables, followed by a line of eight syllables. The rhyming of "gave me" and "craving" is wretched and contrived and I'm not crazy about "chains" and "rain". From a technical perspective, then, it's a mess. But the poem's technical deficiencies pale into insignificance when you consider its argument. The speaker addresses someone external to the poem, as Christopher Marlowe does in 'The Passionate Shepherd to His Love' and Andrew Marvell does in 'To His Coy Mistress'. (NB. the site I've linked to for the Marlowe poem cites the date of the poem as 1599, but this is impossible, because Marlowe was killed in 1593. Based on internal evidence in his plays, most scholars date the poem to the mid-1580s). From the first two lines "No more chains / That you gave me" we may infer that the addressee is a cloying or overprotective lover. The chains may, of course, be literal; they could stand for both gifts of jewellery and tokens of emotional straitening and circumscription. The speaker thus becomes a wronged, plaintive lover in the spirit of Ovid's Heroides. We can discount the idea that the speaker is more shallow, complaining only that her boyfriend isn't buying her necklaces any more, by the simple expedient of the use of the past-participle in the second line. The chains that he "gave" her no longer exist. In other words, it isn't that she's stopped receiving gifts, but that she's cast aside (or cast off) those that she's been given already.
The 'chain' metaphor or, rather, the interplay of the senses of 'jewellery' and 'manacle', is quickly abandoned for one of what Ruskin termed "pathetic fallacy". The third line tells us that the relationship has brought "rain" and for this reason the speaker eschews it. "Enough of rain," she says. This metaphor is then also restlessly tossed aside: "Now I'm craving / Something real, something right." Literary language and figures, the language of poetry, is not equal to her "craving". She has, in the preceding lines, expressed nothing 'real' nor 'right' - which is to say, nothing unadorned and exact. Unless, of course, her lover has literally given her chains, which she has now rejected and destroyed, and it is, in fact, raining. Assuming that the rain and chains are in fact figures, then the fourth and fifth lines disclaim their legitimacy in the same breath that she asserts that her relationship with the object of the poem has nothing of reality about it. So far so confusing, but there is a certain logic to the poem which can, just about, be discerned with a great deal of effort and supposition on the reader's part. The last line of the poem, however, doesn't really make any sense. At all. "How do you stand sleeping at night?" Unless the person she's addressing sleeps standing up. In which case it's a reasonable question.
If, rather, she's asking how her lover is able to sleep at night, then she's projecting her own feelings of her illusory freedom from him and her striving after validity and cogency in the relationship onto him. She can't sleep at night, so why should he be able to? In this way she conflates herself with him, male with female, like the myth of Hermaphroditus and Samalcis in Book Four of the Metamorphoses or that of Venus and Adonis in the "Garden of Venus" episode of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene.
("The cause why she was couered with a vele,
Was hard to know, for that her Priests the same
From peoples knowledge labour'd to concele.
But sooth it was not sure for womanish shame,
Nor any blemish, which the worke mote blame;
But for, they say, she hath both kinds in one,
Both male and female, both vnder one name:
She syre and mother is her selfe alone,
Begets and eke conceiues, ne needeth other none." - Book IIII, Canto X)
In admitting that she cannot see how the addressee sleeps at night, Pepper's speaker-persona is undermining her own argument from the earlier part of the poem. The reality and rectitude she so craves condemn her to sleeplessness; the chains are still present and potent, the rain continues to fall.
In conclusion, Poo Poo's poem is utter turd.
Zeke is uncritical and continues to read and re-read the poem. Janae enters. Zeke asks for her advice "as a married woman". He wants to know how to be more mature I guess. Janae tells him that she and Boyd are soulmates, and, although she thought he was too good for her, their marriage is joyous and successful, so he should pursue his beloved. Boyd enters, overhears Janae talking about him being perfect for her and slinks away again. I haven't seen Boyd for ages and ages. He's been searching Australia for Max. Now that the House of Trouser has become the House of Hotties, where do he and Janae live? I guess they've moved in with Steph.
Hospital. Frazer steals some flowers from a vase and goes in to see Carmella. He apologises that his tired, stolen flowers will be nothing compared to Will's gifts. He tells her that Will cares for her a lot. He's trying to guilt her into telling him her secret. Enter Will. Frazer leaves. Will has indeed brought gifts. He's got her chocolates, a crossword book, fruit, magazines and the aforementioned trashy romance novels. Their titles? Can't Get Enough and Ascending the Elevator of Love. He wonders which one she should read first. I know which one I'd choose:
" "Which floor?" he asked gruffly after the silvery, shimmering doors had closed behind her elegant posterior.
She flushed deepest red at his attention, being unused to the men and to the feelings, not to say the passions, that their hardness and masculinity stirred in her breast. "Seven," she breathed.
He drank in with his eyes, her upturned face, her high, well-defined cheekbones, her sea-blue eyes, her shy little smile. "Did you say 'heaven', my angel?" he said with a raised eyebrow and a boyish grin. She gasped at his brazenness and looked studiously upon the drab, carpeted floor of the elevator."
Ascending the Elevator of Love sounds a damn-sight more interesting than this nothing-episode is proving to be. Carmella is about to 'fess up to the baby-selling caper, but Will prevents her from doing so. He wants to let the dead past bury its dead, to let her start with a "clean slate".
Hoyland Homestead. Boyd. They do live with Steph. So that's that riddle solved. Janae enters and Boyd scrambles to hide, but leaves his bag in plain view. Something's up. Janae finds him and enthuses about the fact that he has returned, but he does not seem happy to see her and outright rejects her sexual overtures. Hmm.
Hospital. Rosetta and Carmella. "Do you think it's right to let him continue visiting you under false pretences?" asks Rosetta. She's talking about Will. How do you visit someone under false pretences? Rosetta's desperately inventing ethical quandaries where there are none. Carmella rightly tells her that it's none of her business. "He's a lovely, decent guy, Carmella," says Rosetta. She's obviously given up on claiming that he has substance and depth. Maybe she's got to know him better. "He deserves to be loved without any games or lies." It dawns on Carmella that Rosetta has the hots for Will. She instructs her sister to "Tell him. If you want to crucify your sister for some guy, then be my guest." Rosetta looks shocked by the outburst. Maybe it will help her to clarify her moral dilemma.
Castle Hoyland. Boyd and Janae. Boyd is relating the story of his search for Max. He finally realised that "Dad's not going to be found unless he wants to be." In other words, Australia is a very, very big country. I could have told him that, and I don't live there. He gave up on the wild goose chase and came home. Janae again tries to initiate sex and Boyd again recoils from her. What's up with him? Don't tell me that Max was right about them in the first place. No relationship can be allowed to survive on this wretched show.
House of Hotties nee Trouser. Will is cooking for Carmella. Rosetta asks why he's going to so much trouble for her. Will tells her that he didn't let her come clean. "WHY??" demands Rosetta. "She's got enough to deal with," says Will and he's right. "She doesn't deserve a friend like you," observes Rosetta. "Maybe it's me who doesn't deserve her," says Will. That's not a valid argument, it's just a variation of the Russian Reversal technique. Carmella, in Soviet Russia, Will doesn't deserve YOU!! Rosetta doubts that this is the case. Rosetta has decided not to tell which is, I think, the correct choice. Well done.
House of Hotties Pool. We're in Zeke's fantasy world in which he's a pool-man with a bad-shirt and stupid shades. I can tell it's a fantasy because the edges of the screen are a bit blurry and the resolution's dipped. A scantily clad Pepper approaches him and tells him he's a "real man". Zeke's also got slicked back hair in his daydream. Surely to goodness, he can come up with a better fantasy than this? Pepper calls to him brusquely - and we're back to reality. It turns out that Zeke is, in fact, cleaning the pool. I can't believe that Pepper's using him like this. Pepper dismisses him and he scampers happily away. Little idiot. Enter Rosetta, Zeke shouts a cheery hello to her, before disappearing. Rosetta is in swimwear. Pepper asks her what's up. She replies that she intends to do some laps, since she has been remiss since moving into the erstwhile House of Trouser. Pepper avers that Rosetta's response was the most "appalling deflection I've ever seen. I'm a schoolteacher and I've seen a few." Not as many as I have - I'm a Neighbours viewer. Rosetta admits that she has a crush and Will and that, shock! horror!, she's a virgin.
General Store. Lou and Mishka are still going on and on about the Tazzle. I've had it up to here with the frickin' Tazzle! What? Is it laced with heroin or something? Why is it so blooming great? Perhaps it will prove to be carcinogenic (like Max Hoyland is) and everyone in Erinsborough will die a lingering death, and they'll all curse the day they ever heard of Tazzle! Mishka is pouring Tazzle into Lou's coffee. Boyd and Janae approach the counter. Boyd wants some breakfast, and is pretty rude in demanding it. Now that he's training to be a doctor, he thinks that he's too important for good manners. Janae wants a Tazzle milkshake. Lou wonders why the young couple aren't at home, if you know what he means. "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge," he says. "Say no more, say no more," pleads Boyd. Once again it is emphasised for us that Janae wants sex and Boyd doesn't. Boyd gets a phone call. "The newspaper interviewed me when I was in Tasmania and that's all I've got to say. Don't call me again!" Suspicious.
Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is interrogating her housemate. She can't believe she's a virgin. Then, it's her turn to come clean about her love-life. She's got Rosetta beat in the love and woe department, she insists. She and Frazer aren't engaged and, in fact, hardly even knew each other. They only pretended to be engaged to get into a house. It's easier for settled, double-income couples apparently. Will and Rosetta managed okay though.
Ext. Will carrying tupperware. There's that guy in the car again. I'd forgotten about him. He has something to do with Will. We're supposed to think he's a criminal or something. He wants Will to get into the car with him. Will declines. "Park here if you please, Jones," says the old man to his driver. He wonders if chauffeur-driven limousines are a regular sight on Ramsay Street. I'm not sure of the exact definition of 'limousine' is but I'm reasonably sure that it doesn't include the BMW saloon that Jones is driving. Did you think I wouldn't notice, old man? Will gets into the car.
Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is persisting in talking about her and Frazer's unconvincing backstory. She thinks Frazer has a thing for Rosetta - and she's welcome to him if she wants him. She thinks she will "die old and alone with cats." You're never alone when you have cats, Pepper. Besides, Zeke would marry you in a heartbeat. I assume you're keeping him around to massage your ego, but think of him as a potential failsafe. She and Rosetta hatch some stupid scheme or other. Pepper's trying too hard. I don't know what they're talking about, I'm not really paying attention. I'm still thinking about Ascending the Elevator of Love:
"Her index finger trembling, she pushed the call button and then she waited anxiously. Please, please, please don't let him be in there again! She didn't know if she could stand it. Her trepidation increased in direct proportion to the lighted numbers above the elevator, mounting and mounting as the lift ascended. One. Two. Three. Four. Her bosom was heaving, and she felt dizzy and hot. Five. Oh no. Six. Almost here. Seven. Bing! The doors opened slowly, seductively. It was empty. Her relief was palpable. Her heart juddering against her ribcage, she stepped into the lift. The doors closed behind her.
"Are you going up or down?" he asked. She jumped and then froze and slowly swung around. He was standing in the corner, next to the control panel against the wall. That's why she hadn't seen him.
"I'm going down," she said softly.
"I bet you are," he said with a dirty leer. "I bet you are." "
Car. Will and old man. Aha! I think that the old man is Will's father. So, they're finally getting around to resolving this mystery. Shame I've lost interest. They blew it. They left it too long and they blew it. Apparently, Will is endangering his birthright with his prince and the pauper-act. Whatever.
Harold's place. Lou and Mishka. Mishka is feeding Lou. She declares that it is "time for canoodle". Lou jokes that it is "canoodle-a-clock". They commence canoodling. Lou has a flashback to Mishka pushing him down the stairs in Russia. It's every bit as good as I'd imagined it. Mishka wonders what's the matter with her Lou Bear. "You look like you see ghost of Stalin." Not any ghost, of course, because Mishka is Russian. Lou's vivid memory prevents them from canoodling. Oh, well.
Ext. Zeke and Will. Zeke saw Will in the car. Blah, blah, blah. Here's more from Ascending the Elevator of Love:
"Surely this time ... this time she could have the elevator to herself. Or, at least, it wouldn't be the two of them alone. She had been varying her start and finish times at the office, so she wouldn't come into contact with him, but so far this had been to no avail. She held her breath as she counted down the floors until it reached her. The doors spread luxuriously apart. She didn't dare to look to see if he was there, and, eyes pointed downward, she stepped briskly inside.
"Why hello," came the familiar, baritone voice.
"Holy hell!" she exclaimed vociferously, her patience and her coyness gone. "Do you just spend your whole day riding up and down in the elevator?"
"Yes," he said in silken tones, "I do." "
Hospital. Some doctor who isn't Karl (what's going on? I'm scared.) is undressing Carmella's wound. Will is there to lend support. The doctor warns Carmella not to expect to see her old self smiling back at her, and tells her that her treatment still has a long way to go. The bandages are removed. Will winces. Come on, Will! That wasn't very well done. Too late, he recovers himself and tells Carmella that she looks fine. Carmella demands a mirror. She sees her disfigured face for the first time and so do we. It really isn't that bad. Considering she had a pot of boiling water thrown in her face, she's extremely lucky. Just looks like a nasty blister. Not too big, localised to the lower part of her cheek. That'll fade in no time. Carmella doesn't think so. She thinks she's hideous. Will puts on a brave face, but I can tell that he thinks so too. They're all overreacting. She's got off very lightly. It really isn't as bad as all that. Will leaves, bumping into Katya in the lobby outside. Katya tells him that the operation that Carmella will need is very expensive and she doesn't have the insurance. Will looks thoughtful - perhaps he'll have to approach his father for money and resume his rightful place as the Prince of Tasmania, or whatever the hell he is.
Credits.
(If you're wondering how Ascending the Elevator of Love ended then ... er ... the elevator broke down between floors one day and they were trapped. They sat around talking for hours and hours about their feelings and stuff and she realised that behind his macho posturing and libidinous comments there lay a shy, sensitive man who liked the same things that she liked. Then the elevator was fixed and they went on with their day to day lives. The next day, she purposefully stopped the elevator between floors and then got it on with him. And then ... um ... they lived happily ever after and he fulfilled her girlhood dream by buying her a pony. The End.)
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