One of my friends remarked the other day that his favourite Neighbours character is Steiger, because "he's both two-dimensional and three-dimensional at the same time." I'm not entirely sure what he means by this gnomic statement. In his Aspects of the Novel (1927) EM Forster observed that Dickens' characters are essentially flat "(Pip and David Copperfield attempt roundness, but so diffidently that they seem more like bubbles than solids)" he goes on to say that:
"Nearly every one [of Dickens' people] can be summed up in a sentence and yet there is this wonderful feeling of human depth ... It is a conjuring trick; at any moment we may look at Mr Pickwick edgeways and find him no thicker than a gramophone record. But we never get the sideway view. Mr Pickwick is far too adroit and well-trained."
Is this what my friend meant too? Is he claiming Pickwick's artfulness for Allan Steiger? I'll hazard a guess that he isn't. I think what he's alluding too is a kind of unintentional character-building. Steiger doesn't need a sentence to sum him up, only one word: 'policeman'. However, the writing in the show cannot sufficiently conjure a 'policeman' and this deficiency animates the character; it gives him a soul, or the shadow of a soul. He is fallible, absurd, unpredictable, just like a real human being. Further, the demands of writing a show that airs five times a week mean that he frequently needs to break with the straits of his character in order to provide the requisite amount of comedy, pathos and plot to sustain the programme. Steiger's status as an auxiallary character helps him as well. We are not privy to every aspect of his life as we are with his fellow cast-members. We are left to fill in the gaps ourselves, and, in so doing, we do most of the work of establishing his character and his humanity. The more we see of him, and the better delineated his character traits and his role within the show, the less credible he will seem. The illusion of three-dimensionality will be gone. Ironically, it is his very flatness and the diffidence with which he has been created that convince us that he might be less of a stereotype than he is.
The answer to the last cryptic clue was 'Toadie'.
Neighbours 07/02/2007
Previouslys - we get Katya and Guy talking about whether or not he's trustworthy; Ned getting knocked down by Katya; Boyd and Elle talking about the PI; Boyd witnessing Steph and Toadie's kiss.
The episode's title is "Ned Ache" and it ranks among the worst puns I've ever heard.
Hoyland 房子 (that's Chinese for 'house'). Toadie and Steph are still kissing from yesterday. Steph notices Boyd looking on. He turns and rushes away. She pursues him, but is too slow. She returns to Toadie. "We'll work it out," Toadie says in an attempt to reassure her. "No!" repudiates Steph. "No we won't work it out."
Ext. carpark. Karl and Ned. Karl's car is gone. What a surprise! I didn't see that storyline lumbering clumsily towards me from a mile away. He sees Ned on the ground. "I got smashed by someone," explains Ned. He apologises that he wasn't able to prevent the theft of Karl's car. Karl magnanimously absolves him of responsibility for it.
Ext. road. Katya realises that she's stolen Karl's car. Whoops! She looks disgusted, then hears a siren and drives away.
주홍 막대기 (Korean for 'Scarlet Bar'). Janae and Boyd. "With Toadie?" says an incredulous Janae. "Didn't take long to move on, did she? ... If you ever fooled around on me, I'd slap you so hard ... I can't believe she'd be this cheap! We have to move out." Boyd has been oddly passive throughout Janae's diatribe, but suddenly comes to life at this last suggestion. "Why?" he asks, alarmed. "We can't hang around with Toadie and Steph carrying on," explains Janae. "We are married. Don't you want to live with just me?" Boyd doesn't: "Steph still needs me. What would Dad think if I just walked out on her and Charlie?" He'd think: 'That's exactly what I did. Well done son - carrying on the family tradition!' Enter Steph. She wants a word with Boyd. In private. "Don't mind me," sulks Janae. "I'm just the wife."
Scarlet Bar office. Steph wants to explain. "No need," Boyd tells her. "Dad's still missing. You were upset. You needed some comfort. Toadie was there." Hmmm ... He's being suspiciously understanding. This is completely out of character. "I love your Dad so much mate," says Steph. "This, this won't happen again." "It can't," says Boyd firmly. "Toadie has to go." "Don't blame Toadie," Steph pleads. "It was me." Boyd reiterates that Toadie must go. "You tell him, or I will." "Okay, okay ... okay," says Steph. "This is my mess. I will clean it up. I will."
Maison de Pantalon. Pepper with candleholders, Rosetta in pyjamas. I guess Pepper has woken up since sleep-talking to Zeke and Rachel last episode. "Ah ... Candleholders! How cute!" says Pepper, before wondering rhetorically who they're from. She reads the label. They're from her Dad. Rosetta reminds her housemate that the engagement's a sham. Pepper tells her that she hasn't given up on Frazer. Now that Rosetta has rejected him, "there's always the rebound factor to fall back on." Rosetta is taken aback: "Have you no self-esteem?" Good question. And what's so great about Frazer anyway? He's an arse. "He's into me, I know it," says the delusional Pepper. "I just have to find a way to make him see it too, that's all." "Pepper, you're going to get hurt," obviouses Rosetta. Pepper ignores her friend and instead treats her like an idiot ingenue: "I'm going to teach you how to get a man. By the look of your pyjamas, you're going to need some serious help." I like her pyjamas.
Surgery. Karl is examining Ned. Apparently, his pupils are behaving normally, but he's definitely got a concussion. "I can't believe I let him get the better of me!" says Ned. It gets worse, Ned. A lot worse. "Settle down!" commands Karl. "Well," Ned expertly rationalises, "there must have been two of them, because otherwise your car would still be there." "Of course it would," says Karl generously. In Shakespeare's The First Part of Henry IV Prince Hal and Poins conspire to rob Falstaff and his cronies of their ill gotten gains. Poins tells his Prince that
"The vertue of this Iest will be, the incomprehensible lyes that this fat Rogue will tell vs, when we meete at Supper: how thirty at least he fought with, what Wardes, what blowes, what extremities he endured; and in the reproofe of this, lyes the iest."
The two of them are able to take the stolen money easily. Then, true to form, Falstaff furnishes them with tales of his derring-do and the insurmountable odds he faced:
"I am a Rogue, if I were not at halfe Sword with a dozen of them two houres together. I haue scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the Doublet, foure through the Hose, my Buckler cut through and through, my Sword hackt like a Hand-saw, ecce signum."
I suspect that Poins's jest would have worked equally well on Neighbours' own fat braggart - Ned 'Boringbelly' Parker. Karl tells Ned that he needs to be monitored tonight and offers to take him in. Ned is pretty slow, because he needs to be reminded that Katya also lives at Karl's house, and that she's a nurse. He looks pleased. Enter Toadie with a sleeping bag. "What are you doing here?" asks Karl. "I could ask you the same question," Toadie counters. Karl tells him about the car thief. Ned continues to insist that there were at least "two of them". This is good news for Katya, because the police will be thrown off the scent. Actually, Steiger can be thrown off the scent by someone saying they watched Chinatown when, in fact, they didn't. He'll devote the entire resources of the Erinsborough police force to finding out if they can quote from the movie or not.
A VERY EXCITING car chase! Katya turns into a blind alley, the fuzz are hot on her heels. She gets out of the car and legs it over a mesh fence.
Σπίτι Robinson. (Greek). Boyd is sneaking around in the dark. He takes a framed picture of Elle and Paul, smashes it and then bins it. Enter Elle and Lyn. Boyd hides. "All that dancing!" says Lyn enthusiastically. Oh no! - they must have played 'Ra Ra Rasputin'. Boyd makes a noise. "Did you hear that?" asks Elle. "Don't tell me you're spooked without a man!" says Lyn. Lyn lives in a decidedly phallocentric world, and is determined to keep it that way. Elle accepts that she hasn't heard anything. "Do you want to go and get Oscar?" she enquires of Lyn. Of course she doesn't, Elle. She's only interested in the welfare of other people's babies. "No," says Lyn predictably. "Best to let him sleep through with Janelle. I'll get him in the morning." Unless, of course, she forgets about him. Lyn retires to bed. Boyd steals Elle's car key and credit card. Her mobile rings. Or maybe she's got a text message. The props people don't really seem to know how mobile phones work in this show. So it could be either.
Дом Kinski. (Russian). Katya is massaging her elbow. I guess she hurt it in her daring escape from the police. Enter Ned and Karl. Ned once more repeats the Tale of the Two Assailants he's concocted to make himself seem more macho. Katya wonders if he saw who it was who attacked him. He didn't. "I'm so sorry," says Katya. "What for?" wonders Ned. "You didn't bash me." Oh, the irony. "You should've seen them," says Ned. "They were massive!" (Falstaff: "... if I fought not with fiftie of them, I am a bunch of Radish: if there were not two or three and fiftie vpon poore olde Iack, then am I no two-legg'd Creature.") "Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you," suggests Katya tentatively. "Maybe they didn't have a choice." "We've all got choices," says Ned sternly. He's a Tory. And a particularly unimaginative one. Karl's mobile rings. His car has been found intact. They're dusting it for prints. "They will get [the car thieves]," insists Karl. Katya is worried.
Camera Di Robinson. (Italian). Paul's back! "Honey, I'm home!" he bellows. Lyn cackles delightedly. "Oh! I've missed you!" she says. "Really?" asks Paul. "No, you big boof-head [what in God's name is a boof-head?], I barely noticed you were gone! Of course I missed you!" "So, absence does make the heart grow fonder, eh?" cliches Paul. "You bet it does!" says Lyn and she hugs him. "Are you sure? Are you really sure?" asks Paul. He's in earnest. Probably thinking of asking Lyn to marry him. "What's wrong?" asks a worried Lyn. "Nothing, nothing," intones Paul. "While I was away I had time to think. To evaluate our relationship." "Should I be worried?" wonders Lyn. She really is incredibly dim. "No, no, not at all," Paul reassures her. Enter Elle. "Dad!" she says, pleased. "How was the States?" That should be 'how were the States?', Elle. "Swell Elle," says Paul and then has a good chuckle at his witty turn of phrase. He then upbraids his daughter for not picking him up at the airport. He tells her that he sent her an SMS and she replied. So it was a text message that caught Boyd's attention earlier. Paul shows her the message he received and she insists that she didn't send it. Paul finds the picture in the bin. He loved that picture. Boyd's evil plan is all falling into place. MWA HA HA HA! Elle insists that there must have been an intruder. "Oh," says Lyn dismissively, "Oscar might have broken that." I can believe it. I bet he sometimes goes on rampages and tears the set to pieces. "Elle," says Paul reasonably, "what kind of intruder breaks into your home, smashes a picture and then sends a very polite text message?" That sounds like the start of a joke. "I say, I say, I say: What kind of intruder breaks into your home, smashes a picture and then sends a very polite text message? A good-mannered fellow, who doesn't like to be framed! BOOM, BOOM!" Elle looks puzzled and constipated, but something about her puzzled constipation suggests that she's worked out what's going on. Lyn and Paul bustle away. Lyn wants to know how Flick and Shell's shop opening went.
Tim Collins and Associates. Poo Poo and Rosetta. Pepper wants to take Rosetta out shopping. The shops open at 8.30 and there's a sale on so all the good stuff will go early. Why isn't Pepper at the school? Or in bed? Depending on how early it is. There's no way that Toadie will let Rosetta out of the office before lunchtime. Quite right too. Enter Karl. "Ciao bella senora, que matina bellisima," he says. "What?" asks Poo Poo disdainfully. Karl translates: "I was saying: 'Hello beautiful ladies, what a beautiful morning.' " "Yeah kind of," says Rosetta. "Except you called us gentleman." Karl is uncowed: "Ah yes, of course, 'senora' - but I'm picking it up though. Did you notice a bit of a Torino accent?" "Karl's learning Italian," explains Rosetta for those of us too stupid to work it out for ourselves. Among whom, apparently, we may count Pepper, because she looks like it's a revelation to her. "Si, si," says Karl eagerly. "Si ... you soon," says Poo Poo brusquely and leaves. Very funny, Pepper. That was a world-class pun. Ever thought of entering the punning Olympics. "Which is better, javelin or discus? Discuss." "Oh! Triathlon! I thought you said 'Try a thong!' " "Ciao, senora," says Karl. I think he's cracking on to her. Rosetta says something that sounds like: "Mis de aggravante parda ola mana spanyola." Neither Karl nor I know what it means. 'Aggravante' might mean 'annoying'. Despite my multilingual descriptions of the houses of Ramsay Street, I am not polyglot. That's right: I've been cheating and using an online translating engine. The shame! Speaking of shame, Rosetta finds Toadie asleep in his office. I'm pretty sure he's naked inside his sleeping bag.
Ext. Elle is walking briskly. Her car is missing. Enter Boyd. He's visiting her sins upon her. He tells her to look for the car at the site of Cameron's accident, because that's where Max's car turned up.
Toadie's Office. Steph and Toadie. Mercifully, he's dressed. Toadie asks Steph if she regrets their kiss. She doesn't. She is sorry for using him, but he won't accept the apology. "I'm falling for you, Steph," he says precipitantly. "Pretending is too hard." Steph makes to leave. Toadie desperately tries to unsay his profession of love: "I was just joking," he says lamely. Exit Steph.
Robinson household. Paul is on the phone. "I can guarantee that this will not happen again," he says. He hangs up. Enter Elle. Paul wants her to explain herself. An explicit email was sent to their entire client database from her account. Elle insists it wasn't her. "I'd have more respect for you if you just owned up to your mistakes," he tells her. "Bad form Elle." His phone rings again and he answers it.
Hoyland domicile. Boyd is ordering something over the phone using Elle's credit card. The people on the other end of the line don't seem bothered by the fact of his manifestly male voice. Enter Janae. "I thought you'd be spending more time with your family," says Boyd. "I am your family," points out Janae. Boyd seems to have forgotten that. "Why are you pushing me away?" she asks. He doesn't want to tell her.
House of Hotties. Pepper and Rosetta are holding skimpy underwear. I guess that, worried about declining ratings, the show's makers are going after the soft-core porn constituency. People like Toadie and Zeke, who hide their girlie mags in Karl's attic. At the warehouse (from which job I have now, thankfully, been fired) there was a guy who just stood around and didn't do any work. He was like a big gravity well of tedium, and if you ventured anywhere near him the minutes and hours began to drag their heels more insistently. He cornered me and then began to pontificate at great length about the virtues of starting work at eight o'clock and finishing at four. Having worked those hours before, I agreed with his hypothesis, joking that it meant that I could "be back in time for Neighbours". He didn't laugh, and instead launched into a dissertation on the show. Ironically, he was unaware that he was talking to the author of what I like to think of as the single greatest Neighbours blog in the world. He said he had a friend who was obsessed with the show and who would never miss an episode of Neighbours. His friend would occasionally make everyone watch the antics of Ramsay Street's finest on a cinematic TV screen, "which [my workshy colleague] didn't mind, because of all the hot women, hubba hubba." Despite trying to make a habit of not listening to a word that came out of his mouth (he also had a friend who could hit a postage stamp with a two pence piece from five hundred yards, and a friend who had incrementally traded a paper clip for a house on eBay) I was surprised that it was possible to watch Neighbours on this level. Maybe if you put it on mute ... Perhaps my difficulty with seeing Neighbours as a sexy show, is because whenever I think about it, I don't think of the House of Hotties. I think of Harold.
Anyhow, what's happening now is a male sexual fantasy. Poo Poo and Rosetta are trying on underwear together. Pretty soon, they'll get into a pillow fight and some rough and tumble and will feel compelled to practise kissing and to explore one another's bodies. The scene serves no purpose beyond prurient titillation and the eschewal of character in favour of flesh. "Why is it that the less fabric you buy, the more it costs?" asks a sceptical Rosetta. Ever hear of the Emperor's New Clothes, Rosetta? "This was on sale!" says Pepper, as if that were an answer to Rosetta's question. "Wow!" says Rosetta sarcastically, "50% off a price that's been marked up by 500%." I'm on Rosetta's side here. Pepper's a marketer's wet dream. And also Zeke's. "Oh get over it!" she says. "If Will sees you in it, you won't be worrying about the cost. Let's have a fashion parade!" "In the kitchen?" asks Rosetta, alarmed. That doesn't logically follow, Rosetta. "Yeah, why not?" replies Pepper. O...kay. "Anyone might walk in!" says Rosetta, quite reasonably. Please God, don't let Zeke walk in on them. Rosetta is very self-conscious. She doesn't go to the gym. Or to slumber parties. I saw her in a bikini the other day, though, when she was about to go for a swim in the House of Hotties pool, so her shyness can't be that bad. "Flaunting," Rosetta insists, "is not exactly in my repertoire." Nor is acting, but that doesn't stop her. Pepper proceeds to get naked in the kitchen, regardless of her friend's sensibilities. She's such a free spirit. I'm going to make her my role model.
Scarlet Bar. Lyn and Paul. Lyn's typing on an Apple laptop. "I think a top of the range multimedia centre," she says. Yep. She's a top-flight business woman all right. Her saying "top of the range multimedia centre" convinced me that she really has got her finger on the pulse of modern technological advancement. "Loris is a real pain," she tells Paul. "Mr 2% better come out of the closet and onto our side." If he came out of the closet, Lyn, you'd start quoting Leviticus at him and demanding that he be burned as a witch. Paul tells Lyn that he loves her. He leaves. Enter Elle. She's cancelling her credit card. "Have you noticed your father being, well, not quite right?" she asks anxiously. "I've noticed a lot of things being not quite right," says Elle helpfully.
House of Hotties. Pepper and Carmella are showing off the underwear. "Give it to me!" "You look amazing!" "Can I touch your breasts?" etc. etc. Ned comes in to get some milk or something, and pays no heed to them whatsoever. He leaves again. Pepper starts to scratch. She's allergic to Nylon. Her pants and bra are supposed to be French, but instead are a "cheap Chinese rip-off." "So much for the seductive power of lingerie," chuckles Rosetta.
Kinski household. Ned and Katya. Ned notices that Katya has hurt her arm. She explains that she's been a klutz all day. I know how she feels, I was forever tripping over things and banging my head in the warehouse. Katya breaks down and confesses to having beaten Ned up. He doesn't believe her. In his head he's convinced that "foure Rogues in Buckrom let driue at [him]". The idea that he was beaten up by a girl is anathema to his (already threatened) machismo. Ned jokes that he likes the Charlie's Angels fantasy. So, we can add that to the list of his known fetishes: Nurses; Nuns and Charlie's Angels.
Hoyland homestead. Janae, Boyd, Toadie. Janae berates Toadie: "And you call Max a friend! It's pathetic ... I bet that's why you moved in here in the first place - so you could crack onto her." Boyd tells her to leave it. Toadie apologises profusely, and Boyd accepts. Toadie leaves. Janae tells Boyd that he's treating her like a stranger. "Did something happen in Tasmania?"
Kinski house. Katya is on the phone to Guy. She insists that she isn't trying it on. She's going to wait until things calm down a bit. She hangs up and reveals to us that she has a gun. She looks ambiguous.
Credits.
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