Best. Episode. Ever.

A puzzling comment from Rosie on my last submission: "You clearly stole my bear!" she says. She has a Bedtime Bear which, instead of a sleepy moon and star, has Lou Carpenter's face on its belly? Sometimes, I worry about Nosey Rosie.

Ah! I see now that she is referring to her blog. She posted a picture of a grumpy looking Bedtime Bear together with a happier Cheer Bear. Odd to see those two side by side, since Bedtime Bear is best friends with Wish Bear. The caption reads 'Bi-polar Bears.' Heh. She posted it on 31 January, so I can't really claim precedence, but I swear that I hadn't looked at her blog since she updated it with a charming YouTube video which overdubbed the characters from Scrubs over A Charlie Brown Christmas. You gotta believe me. The Care Bear thing is just a crazy coincidence. The world can be a deeply unsettling place sometimes.

Here's a Neighbours link that's only recently been brought to my attention. You've probably seen it before, but I think it stands repeat viewings. It was filmed as part of the twentieth anniversary extravaganza and features a song and carefully choreographed dance routine performed by all your favourite actors from the show. And, oh yeah, Harold performs a rap.

Onwards, onwards to

Neighbours 01/02/2007

Previouslys.

Sky and Karl talk about the missing Kerry; Steiger berates Stingray for his drunkenness; Dylan cares for Kerry. Looks like we're going to advance the baby-abduction storyline today which, with any luck, means no Katya being blackmailed and nothing from the new, improved HoT mob.

The episode's title is 'Kerry Go Round'. Cute.

Exterior, Ramsay Street. Harold collects his paper and sighs. The Erinsborough News is asking 'What Happened to Baby Kerry?' on its front page. We hear a gasp. Harold and the camera look to the source. It's Janelle. She's seen the paper too. She's upset. A police car pulls up. Steiger and Stingray are inside it. They get out. "We can't lay any charges at this stage," says Steiger tactfully, "we don't have a body." Janelle refuses to take Stingray back, but is eventually prevailed upon to do so.

Hospital. Sky is playing with a little knitted boot and is looking understandably gloomy. Loris and Harold bring in some presents and cards from well-wishers. "It's strange being on the other side," Sky says flatly. She's lost Harold. "The one everyone feels sorry for," she explains. "The crying woman in the paper." Harold is sympathetic. He wonders if she got any sleep. Doesn't look like it. He proffers her the sympathy cards he's carrying and suggests she reads them.

Timmins House. Stingray and Janelle. "Mum, I'm sorry," says Stingray. "You're my son, Scott," says Janelle deliberately. "I'm always going to love you. Can't stop myself. But if you're responsible for all this, I don't think I can forgive you ... Do you know what the worst thing about it is." Stingray doesn't. "I always thought you were the good one. The one who could do anything he put his mind to. I don't know who you are anymore." I don't think that's the worst thing, Janelle. Surely, the worst thing is that, potentially, he's killed a baby. Cue the plinky-plonk MUSIC OF HEARTBREAKING SERIOUSNESS. Heavyhanded direction there. Janelle was selling that speech pretty well on her own, without the twee keyboard demo track. "Lying," she says, elucidating what she means when she says that Stingray has had a falling off, "stealing. This." 'This' is a euphemism for kidnapping and directly causing the death of (as far as she knows) a baby. "You want me gone?" says the hopeless Stingray. "Going to see Sky," splutters Janelle.

Hospital. Harold, Loris, Sky. Harold is trying to make her eat some cereal. She compromises by munching on a strawberry. Janelle enters. She's brought a teddy. Enter Karl and a nurse. Karl wants to set up a breast pump. If Sky isn't milked, then she might lose the capacity to produce breastmilk and Karl "wouldn't want Kerry to miss out." "Miss out?" cries the distraught Sky. "My baby's dead." The first forty eight hours are life and death for a newborn - "You said so yourself". I shouldn't give him too much credence, Sky. After all, he's not a paediatrician. He's a GP. And an oncologist. And a midwife. And a surgeon specialising in amputations. And a psychologist. And a hypnotist. But not a paediatrician. "We can't give up while there's hope," says Karl lamely. Oh why not, Karl. I'm fed up with people being brave in the face of adversity. Let Sky have a good old keen and to beat at her breast. Sky's with me on this one: "So when do I give up, then?" she asks rhetorically. "Next week? Or the week after that?" She delivered that line pretty well, but her voice went a bit squeaky at the end. I think she forgot to take a breath. "I want to go home," she says firmly. "Ah no - I don't think that's a good idea," raps hiphop Harold. I'm kidding. He says the line briskly. "Medically, there's no reason to keep her here," says Karl. Sky insists: "I can hear the other babies crying. I really can't handle it. I'm going home." Aw, poor Sky.

Dylan's hotel room. We're being reminded that baby Kerry is, in fact, alive and well and the dramatic irony incumbent thereon is reinforced. This gambit fails, however, because the baby looks dead to me. It's not moving at all, nor is it making any sounds. Maybe she was dead when he found her and he's just enacting some macabre, sinister fantasy of fatherhood. *Shudder*. Apparently, Dylan's just finished bottlefeeding Kerry. We're supposed to infer that he's taking good care of her. There are baby clothes and toys all around. He still hasn't washed his hair, though. If he does end up raising Kerry as his own, her first words will be "Get a haircut." That is, if she isn't dead. And she sure looks it. Dylan is checking out of the room.

Hospital. Harold, Karl, Loris. Harold and Karl argue briefly about whether or not Sky should go home. It really is up to her. She's an adult. Harold says: "Aw Karl, the place is full of baby things: Toys; clothes. Could you at least stall her?" Loris chips in that they'll only need half an hour. Karl supposes he could delay her with some paperwork. His mind's racing - perhaps he could completely exonerate the hospital from blame for the debacle by tricking Sky into signing some sort of liability waiver. I know his game. I'm onto you, Karl.

Dylan's hotel room. Dylan and Kerry. She's still looking dead, you know. Dylan wants her to burp and since she's silent and inert, he makes the burp noise for her. Creepy. This scenario is making me profoundly uneasy. Now it looks like he's dancing around with a dead baby. There's a knock on the door. "Sorry mate! We'll be out in a minute!" Dylan calls. He opens the door. It's Elle. "What're you doing here?" demands Dylan. "Aren't you happy to see me?" Obviously not, Elle. Just look at the expression on his face. "Yeah," says Dylan unconvincingly, "I was just wondering how you knew I was here." "Hotel contacts," says Elle matter-of-factly. Oh! Right! Hotel contacts! Of course! Silence. They're obviously both thinking about their favourite hotel contacts. Suddenly Elle says: "You've got someone in there haven't you?" I'm surprised she didn't deduce that when he called "WE'RE coming!" It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes. "Yeah," says Dylan brusquely. "What can I say? It just happened." "What about us?" asks Elle tremulously. You pretended to have a fatal illness specifically to confound and manipulate him, Elle. I don't think your relationship survived that outrage.

"We were never going to work anyway," says Dylan abruptly. "Well," says Elle angrily and sarcastically, "thank you for your honesty. I'm so glad I went to the trouble of finding you." He didn't ask you too, Elle. "You're welcome to him!" she calls into the room. "I hope he breaks your heart!" Harsh. Kerry gurgles within. Phew - she's not dead then. That's a relief. Dylan bangs his head on the door in frustration. "Oh my God, Dylan, what have you done?" asks Elle. Cut to Kerry. She's moving which is a great relief to me. Flashback to Dylan finding Kerry in Stingray's drunken, slumbering embrace. "As soon as I looked into her eyes," he voiceovers, "I knew. I knew she was mine." Hmm ... She does look rather big to have been a premature baby. Back to the hotel room. "Dylan," says Elle, "Stingray is Kerry's father, not you." "Kerry," says Dylan fondly. Evidently, he's only just now learned the baby's name. "Somebody's got something wrong," he asserts forcefully. "She's mine."

All this fatherly/motherly intuition stuff is so much hocus pocus. You don't have an extrasensory connection with your progeny, people. Elle grudgingly accepts Dylan's premise. "Well, you still shouldn't have taken her." "I can take care of her better than Sky," Dylan says grandly, "and definitely better than Scottie." Elle doesn't buy it. "You think? You took her without telling anyone." "Well, maybe it wasn't rational," says Dylan, as if that were a valid argument. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." "What about later?" says Elle insistently. "When you saw the news and you saw how much Sky was hurting." Dylan obviously hasn't been following the news, Elle, otherwise he'd have known the baby's name. "You have to take her back," she says. Dylan won't part with her in a million years. "You can't keep her," Elle says. "Why not?" Dylan wonders. "Scott's a drunk, Sky's lied about everything. How could they be better parents than me?" He insists that he is a good carer. "Doesn't she look happy to you?" Elle persists: "What about Sky? She thinks that Kerry is dead? You can't just leave her hanging like this!" "Fine! You tell her!" says Dylan dismissively. "I don't care. Nothing is going to come between me and my daughter."

He's starting to sound like Teresa-the-baby-seller. "You're just going to run away?" asks Elle. "Just the two of us and the open road," replies Dylan. "This will destroy Sky," Elle observes. "You don't want that on your conscience." Dylan's fine with it: "I'll live." "You've kidnapped her. This is a crime." "Even if I'm the father?" Elle is desperate now: "Dylan, you are wrong. This will stay with you, day and night, for the rest of your life. You will never forgive yourself." Dylan looks nonplussed. And greasy.

Harold's place. Loris and Harold are tidying. Aha! There's that big cuddly Totoro that Dylan gave Sky a while ago, when they were doing that Miyazaki tribute. Great. I roar at him. Awwrrr!! Loris is very efficient at tidying. She has anticipated everything that Harold suggests. Harold tells her to put everything in his bedroom. Loris proceeds to do so, but then pauses. She's noticed that Harold is fingering a silver rattle. "What is it?" she asks. "It was Kerry's," says Harold slowly, his jowls trembling and practically crying out for empathetic understanding. "My Kerry's. I kept it for all these years for know other reason than it reminded me of what a beautiful baby she was ..." He sighs. "I hoped it might do the same for Sky." Oh my lord, that's so sad. I'm almost crying. Harold's Kerry was killed by duck shooters, and now this! Poor Harold. Poor Sky. "How's she ever going to get through this - the poor girl." Everything about him, his voice, his aspect, his many chins, speaks of dejection and defeat. That was, I think, the single most poignant, most powerful performance I've seen in Neighbours. Every now and again, the show genuinely surprises me and I forget how rubbish it is. The door opens and Sky, Karl and Janelle enter. Harold seeks to conceal his agony, says with a pained jovialness, "Oh that was quick! We hadn't quite finished ..." Sky perceives what Harold and Loris were attempting in order to shield her from her dashed hopes and expectations and she breaks down. She flings her arms around Harold's neck and sobs "Oh Granddad." Harold weeps. Wow, I'm getting choked up again. That was a good scene - I can't really fault it. There was a little too much Loris for my liking, but her presence was counteracted by the reappearance of the giant, cuddly Totoro.

The quality of that scene has left me in such a good mood, that I'm going to dish out some praise. I would say that Harold is, as an actor, nonpareil in Neighbours. Sky and Steph can punch above their weight from time to time, but are woefully inconsistent. Paul Robinson can easily mince around the place being evil. He even remembers to limp from time to time. Lou and Toadie are okay, and can handle the odd bit of humour and pathos that's flung their way. And Stingray's done very well with the alcoholism storyline of late. Susan's good, but can come across as a bit distant and priggish and the same applies to Karl. Controversially, I would add Janelle to this list of the creme of Ramsay Street's acting talent. She reminds me of the departed, lamented Valda, inasmuch as her character started off as an irritating, two-dimensional stereotype but really developed over the course of her sojourn in the show, as the writers, directors and audiences saw what she was capable of. I think she can pull off tough-yet-vulnerable and her attitude towards her kids is, on the whole, convincing. As for the worst actors in Neighbours and, therefore, in the world, they abound. Here's a roll-call of the worst offenders: Zeke; Katya; Ned; Bree; Elle; Dylan. Without a shadow of a doubt, Lyn Scully represents the absolute nadir of the acting profession. She plays every inconsequential plot development as if it's a matter of life-and-death. She's absolutely incapable of delivering a line with believable intonation or emotion and she's got the most profoundly, teeth-grindingly awful verbal tics. Her wheedling "Stephy!" and the screeching "You know!", which punctuates virtually all of her sentences, being the worst of them. Those are my opinions at any rate. I'd be interested to hear what other people think.

Elle and Dylan and Kerry. "She's beautiful," says Elle placatingly, "I can see why you fell in love with her." "I fell in love with her," says Dylan, who's unprepared to cede any ground, "because she's mine." He changes the subject: "What did you mean before about not being able to forgive yourself?" What? I must have missed some nuance. Oh well. No way I'm going back to rewatch that scene now. "I was talking about you," says Elle. That's what I thought. "No you weren't," says Dylan and she seems to take his point. "Well, everyone makes mistakes." She notices that the keys are in the ignition of Dylan's car. Kerry's already on board. Elle gets into the driver's seat and locks all the doors. She drives away, leaving Dylan frantic. She brakes and flings her own carkeys out of the window, telling Dylan to take her car. I'd have made him wait for a taxi. You don't want a frenetic car chase.

Timmins homestead. Stingray is alone with his video camera. He is watching footage of Dylan and Sky in happier times, debating names for the baby. Sky wants to call it Rebel, but Dylan thinks that that will lead to bullying. They both agree that "This is going to be so incredible!" Stingray replays the last images. He looks pale and stricken.

Harold's kitchen. Janelle, Loris, Harold, Sky. Harold's brought everyone a cup of tea and a biscuit. "Sky ..." he says delicately, "I know you're not a churchgoer, but prayer can be a great comfort in times like this." Sky looks fatigued and shellshocked, but she acquiesces to Harold's unspoken request. "Dear Lord," intones Harold, "please give Sky some comfort in this her hour of need, and also strength in the days to come. And please welcome little Kerry into your care and make sure she's safe." I'm glad Lyn Scully's not here. She'd have piped up at this moment with some nasty, spiteful thing from the store of her singularly uncharitable brand of Catholicism. "Actually," she'd have said, revelling in the pain she'd be about to cause, "unbaptised babies can't get into Heaven. They go to Limbo until the Rapture and Christ's Harrowing of Hell." I hate her so much. Of course, Harold's not wasting his breath asking God to take Kerry into Heaven. According to The National Catholic Reporter the International Theological Commission holds that “Limbo is no longer the common opinion of Catholic theology, and as far as the salvation of unbaptized babies is concerned, we trust in the loving mercy of God.” So, there you go. Janelle looks appalled by Harold's prayer. "I'm not going to sit here and pray while there's still hope!" she says. I think she's on sound theological ground there, since faith, hope and charity are tenets central to Christianity and the only unforgivable sin is despair. I don't think that God will be angered by her outburst. Harold, by contrast, is angry. "We have to move on for Sky's sake!" he says.

Close-up of Sky. Aw. I don't think she's even aware of what's going on around her. "That little baby is not dead. And you might be ready to give up hope, but I'm not," says Janelle. She's still in the 'denial' stage of grief. Harold's grieved so many times that he can move through it very quickly. He's already reached 'acceptance' and come out the other side. "Please, Janelle," says Loris urgently. I don't think any of them need to worry about upsetting Sky. She's barely conscious. The really, truly awful thing that they are all trying to circumvent in their different ways is that nothing will make matters any better nor any worse. "Oh, what is wrong with you lot!" fumes Janelle. "That little girl needs us to believe in her!" Her theosophy has failed her. She's thinking of Tinkerbell. Every time someone says "I don't believe in babies" a baby dies. Quick! Quick! Clap your hands if you believe in babies! Janelle is furious that no one complies: "You're just sitting there praying for her soul." "That's enough now!" says Harold sharply, "not another word!"

A single tear rolls down Sky's cheek. Janelle is not for turning: "I've got as much right to an opinion as you do, and I'm not going write that little one off while there's still a chance!" Harold huffs and puffs and rejoins: "You have every right to be upset with Scott because of what he's done, but you have no right to bring your anger into this house." Ah. That's significant. Janelle's moved on from denial to anger. Soon, she'll be over the whole thing. "Fine!" says Janelle. "You lot just sit and mope. I'm going to look for my granddaughter!" She flounces out. We get an external shot of the door as it is flung open by Janelle. She looks down ... and ... finds baby Kerry in a basket on the doorstep. Ha! Ha! Ha! That was really bathetic. It completely robbed the scene of all its dramatic impetus. I loved it. "Oh my God!" gasps Janelle. Sky rushes to the door, sees Kerry and picks her up, clasping her in her arms. She still looks dazed. Aw. That's nice.

Exterior, Ramsay Street. Elle is standing by the car. Dylan drives onto the scene, gets out of Elle's car and rushes to Elle. "Where is she?" he pants. "Where she belongs," says Elle, "with her mother. I left her on the doorstep about five minutes ago." Five minutes? Hm. Dylan must have been held up in traffic. A police car roars up the street, sirens blaring. "Do you have any idea what you've done?" asks Dylan of Elle. "Yes. I'm giving you the chance to do the right thing." By denying him the right to act on his own moral authority? It was Steiger in the police car. He runs up to Dylan and Elle. "How long have you two been here?" he asks. "About five minutes," says Elle nonchalantly. "Is there a problem?" asks Dylan a touch too defensively. "Who else is likely to be home during the day?" Steiger enquires. He looks and sounds pretty panicked and unprofessional. "Steph," suggests Elle, "and Toadie's car is there." He's probably catching up on the twelve hours of sleep he claims to need a day. Honestly, Toadie. Dogs only sleep for sixteen hours. Steiger runs pellmell towards the Hoyland domus. Steiger, you should check on the baby first. If Steph and Toadie are witnesses, then they'll still be witnesses in ten minutes time. He's such a drama queen. "If they find out that you took her, then you will go straight back to jail," says Elle. "Waah!" says Dylan unexpectedly. That was weird. He collects himself. "What does it matter anyway?" he asks. "Well," replies Elle, "if you are the father, what kind of parent would you be from behind bars?" She's pandering to him, but to no avail. "Thanks to you, now I'm not a parent at all!" He's pretty miffed. "No! Listen!" demands Elle. "Now you have a chance to prove that she is yours. The right way." The wrong way to prove paternity is on the Jerry Springer Show.

Casa de Bishop. Karl, Kerry, Sky, Harold, Loris, Janelle. Karl is pointing a laser pen at Kerry's forehead. She's asleep. The laser pen flashes and beeps. "Is she OK?" asks a delighted Sky. Apparently, the magic laser pen told Karl that the baby was fine. "She's warm, she's clean, she's well fed. Everything you'd want a newborn baby to be." "Do you think I could ...?" wonders Sky tentatively. "Of course you can," says Karl. Sky picks Kerry up. Enter Steiger, breathless. Presumably, he's just interviewed Toadie and Steph. "Is she all right?" he asks. She's perfect, thanks. "No ill effects at all?" "Whoever had her seemed to know what they were doing," says Karl. "Did anyone see anything?" asks Steiger. He seems a little peeved. "Elle and Dylan must've missed whoever it was," he tells the assembled company. Um, Steiger ... why, exactly, have you ruled Dylan out of your investigations? Harold asks where they are regarding the investigation. "It's looking more and more like a random crime," says Steiger with unmerited authority. I wonder how many of Steiger's cases are filed under 'random crime' or 'couldn't be helped'. I'll bet it's a lot. "Maybe the publicity gave the culprit a fright and he's returned the child," he speculates. Janelle looks relieved. "What about Scottie?" she asks. "I'll still have to speak to him further, but at this stage he's off the hook."

That's another good day's work for you then Steiger. Well done - you deserve a promotion. Janelle is delighted. "I don't care who took her," says Sky. "As long as she's well and alive, that's all that matters." I wonder why she didn't use the more usual formation of "alive and well"? Very mysterious. Karl wants paediatrics to have a look at her, just in case. Sky's reaction to this suggestion is violent: "No! No one's taking her from me again." She has a point. It was the hospital's fault she was abducted in the first place. Fancy leaving a premature baby in a room on its own! And letting Teresa out of the Psych Ward. "You'll be there too," promises Karl before adding the terrifically patronising addendum of "We want to see the mother. You've been through quite a trauma as well." Harold chips in: "[Sky] wouldn't have to let [Kerry] out of her sight." Karl agrees and asks Sky "what'd you say?" "OK," she says reluctantly. Suddenly Janelle says "Oh God, I'm such an idiot!" Hey! That's not fair. The Neighbours characters are insulting themselves now. What am I supposed to do? She's forgotten to go and give Stingray the good news. She rushes off. Sky kisses Kerry.

Timmins domicile. Janelle and Stingray. "Oh Scottie," says Janelle, "you must have been going through hell, love, I'm so sorry." "It's OK," says Stingray awkwardly. "No. It's not," his mother answers firmly. "I had you tried and convicted without even giving you a chance. When you needed me most, I was busy accusing you. You should go visit Sky." "I still don't know what happened, Mum," says a pained Stingray. "I could've taken Kerry five times over." "Don't talk like that!" Janelle can't handle unleavened truth. Stingray admits that "I don't have control anymore." Good. It sounds as though he's ready to take the first of the Twelve Steps. "Each day I wake up and think: 'Yeah. Today. A fresh new start.' But each night I wind up somewhere with a bottle in my hand. I don't know anything anymore. Kerry would be better off without me." Janelle is struck. "No! Sweetheart! She won't be. That little girl needs you. If that's not a good enough reason to kick the bottle, then I don't know what is."

We're somewhere I've never seen before. Ah. It's Stingray's AA Meeting. Looks pretty laid back and comfortable - everyone is sitting in armchairs. Stingray is standing in the front. "Hi, my name's Scott and I'm an alcoholic," he says. He gives everyone a summary of the plot elements he's been involved in over the last few weeks, before concluding that "I hate myself and pretty soon everyone else will too." I don't hate you Stingray. In my eyes, you can never be such a loathsome character as Lyn Scully is.

Hospital. Karl and Sky. "So no more poking and prodding?" asks Sky. What have they been up to? "She didn't seem to mind, did she?" Oh, Karl's been examining the baby. "I still can't believe she's come so early." A look of consternation passes across Karl's visage. "Yes," he says pensively, "that's true. She is very strong." Is it possible that Karl got it wrong as to the baby's paternity? Enter Stingray. He just wanted to see for himself that the baby was OK. He tells Sky that he is getting help and that he will never let her down again. Sky tells him not to let himself down. He looks sheepish.

Bishop residence. Sky and Kerry. Enter Dylan. Sky is struggling to get Kerry off to sleep. She's changed her and fed her. Dylan suggests she needs to be burped. He tells Sky not to pat her on the back, but to massage it. Firmly, but not too firmly. Sky wonders how he knows so much about Kerry's needs. Dylan tells her that it's because he's sure that she's his daughter. From the hints we've been getting and the look on Karl's face just now, he may well be right.

Credits.