Thanks to top band the French give wonderful drink (6)

The answer to the riddling, cryptic title of the last instalment was, of course, "Neighbours". I had a dream about the show last night. Loris just dropped dead for no apparent reason and Harold was devastated; it brought back memories of Madge's death. There was a serial rapist stalking Ramsay Street and it turned out that it was Karl Kennedy. Susan resolved never to forgive him. I remember thinking that it was a really eventful episode, but didn't register the fact that I was dreaming until I was on the point of waking up. I'm telling you about the dream now, because, frankly, it's a good deal more interesting than the last couple of episodes of the real-life show I've watched.

Neighbours - 05/02/07

The Previouslys are harbingers of dullness and inconsequence. We get Pepper and Frazer talking about their ersatz-engagement and Zeke spying on them and looking risibly unmenacing; Lou and Mishka discussing her pulling a sickie to get out of work; and Pepper somnambulently telling Zeke that she loves him.

The episode title is "A Scar is Born". This is a punning reference to George Cukor's 1954 Judy Garland/James Mason flick "A Star is Born". I assume that despite Carmella's absence from the Previouslys, the make-up people have finally finished work on her disfigured face.

House of Hotties. Frazer is off to "Body Attack" which might be sadomasochism club where he will submit himself to be beaten by his fellow members or, more likely and mundane, a gym. Will is looking for some of "Pepper's daggy romance novels". In point of fact, as I divined from a previous episode, the novels belong to Rosetta. Rosetta is working at the kitchen table and tells Will not to waste his time with Carmella. "You can't trust her," she insists. Will demurs. They both leave. Frazer reads Rosetta's diary. Dude! That's such a breach of privacy and trust. He discovers that Rosetta has feelings for Will, and that she's undecided as to whether to tell Will Carmella's baby-selling secret. Frazer is unable to delve further, or to find out what the secret is, because Rosetta returns.

General Store. Two teenagers are, in the parlance of Erinsborough, 'pashing'. The back of the guy's head looks a little like Stingray's. I don't think it's him though. Lou and Mishka are watching them. Mishka is tolerant of the "frisky teenagers", regarding their tongue wrestling as something natural, something to be condoned. Lou, on the other hand, wants them out of the store. It's his prerogative. There's not really any call for teenagers to be horny in public. He shouts at them and the boy turns around. It's not Stingray, it's just some goofy-looking extra. Apparently they're just excited by the Tazzle that Mishka's been using in lieu of the regular ingredients for the milkshakes. Tazzle is, as we all know, a potent aphrodisiac.

Elsewhere in the General Store. Zeke is reading Poo Poo's poetry. It's awful, and I do mean awful. It's the worst poem I think I've ever had the misfortune of reading. It is worse even than the sonnet I wrote about the disappearance of little Kerry and published on this blog. Poo Poo, like Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing, was not born under a rhyming planet. Here is the poem in its entirety, as it was written and intoned by Pepper in a voice-over:

"No more chains
That you gave me.
Enough of rain.
Now I'm craving
Something real, something right.
How do you stand sleeping at night?"

Zeke is rapt. Didn't he used to be really well-read? How can he stand this terrible thing?

The first line has three syllables, while the second, third and fourth have four. The caesura on the fourth and fifth lines trespasses into the closing couplet - a couplet which comprises a line of six syllables, followed by a line of eight syllables. The rhyming of "gave me" and "craving" is wretched and contrived and I'm not crazy about "chains" and "rain". From a technical perspective, then, it's a mess. But the poem's technical deficiencies pale into insignificance when you consider its argument. The speaker addresses someone external to the poem, as Christopher Marlowe does in 'The Passionate Shepherd to His Love' and Andrew Marvell does in 'To His Coy Mistress'. (NB. the site I've linked to for the Marlowe poem cites the date of the poem as 1599, but this is impossible, because Marlowe was killed in 1593. Based on internal evidence in his plays, most scholars date the poem to the mid-1580s). From the first two lines "No more chains / That you gave me" we may infer that the addressee is a cloying or overprotective lover. The chains may, of course, be literal; they could stand for both gifts of jewellery and tokens of emotional straitening and circumscription. The speaker thus becomes a wronged, plaintive lover in the spirit of Ovid's Heroides. We can discount the idea that the speaker is more shallow, complaining only that her boyfriend isn't buying her necklaces any more, by the simple expedient of the use of the past-participle in the second line. The chains that he "gave" her no longer exist. In other words, it isn't that she's stopped receiving gifts, but that she's cast aside (or cast off) those that she's been given already.

The 'chain' metaphor or, rather, the interplay of the senses of 'jewellery' and 'manacle', is quickly abandoned for one of what Ruskin termed "pathetic fallacy". The third line tells us that the relationship has brought "rain" and for this reason the speaker eschews it. "Enough of rain," she says. This metaphor is then also restlessly tossed aside: "Now I'm craving / Something real, something right." Literary language and figures, the language of poetry, is not equal to her "craving". She has, in the preceding lines, expressed nothing 'real' nor 'right' - which is to say, nothing unadorned and exact. Unless, of course, her lover has literally given her chains, which she has now rejected and destroyed, and it is, in fact, raining. Assuming that the rain and chains are in fact figures, then the fourth and fifth lines disclaim their legitimacy in the same breath that she asserts that her relationship with the object of the poem has nothing of reality about it. So far so confusing, but there is a certain logic to the poem which can, just about, be discerned with a great deal of effort and supposition on the reader's part. The last line of the poem, however, doesn't really make any sense. At all. "How do you stand sleeping at night?" Unless the person she's addressing sleeps standing up. In which case it's a reasonable question.

If, rather, she's asking how her lover is able to sleep at night, then she's projecting her own feelings of her illusory freedom from him and her striving after validity and cogency in the relationship onto him. She can't sleep at night, so why should he be able to? In this way she conflates herself with him, male with female, like the myth of Hermaphroditus and Samalcis in Book Four of the Metamorphoses or that of Venus and Adonis in the "Garden of Venus" episode of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene.

("The cause why she was couered with a vele,
Was hard to know, for that her Priests the same
From peoples knowledge labour'd to concele.
But sooth it was not sure for womanish shame,
Nor any blemish, which the worke mote blame;
But for, they say, she hath both kinds in one,
Both male and female, both vnder one name:
She syre and mother is her selfe alone,
Begets and eke conceiues, ne needeth other none." - Book IIII, Canto X)

In admitting that she cannot see how the addressee sleeps at night, Pepper's speaker-persona is undermining her own argument from the earlier part of the poem. The reality and rectitude she so craves condemn her to sleeplessness; the chains are still present and potent, the rain continues to fall.

In conclusion, Poo Poo's poem is utter turd.

Zeke is uncritical and continues to read and re-read the poem. Janae enters. Zeke asks for her advice "as a married woman". He wants to know how to be more mature I guess. Janae tells him that she and Boyd are soulmates, and, although she thought he was too good for her, their marriage is joyous and successful, so he should pursue his beloved. Boyd enters, overhears Janae talking about him being perfect for her and slinks away again. I haven't seen Boyd for ages and ages. He's been searching Australia for Max. Now that the House of Trouser has become the House of Hotties, where do he and Janae live? I guess they've moved in with Steph.

Hospital. Frazer steals some flowers from a vase and goes in to see Carmella. He apologises that his tired, stolen flowers will be nothing compared to Will's gifts. He tells her that Will cares for her a lot. He's trying to guilt her into telling him her secret. Enter Will. Frazer leaves. Will has indeed brought gifts. He's got her chocolates, a crossword book, fruit, magazines and the aforementioned trashy romance novels. Their titles? Can't Get Enough and Ascending the Elevator of Love. He wonders which one she should read first. I know which one I'd choose:

" "Which floor?" he asked gruffly after the silvery, shimmering doors had closed behind her elegant posterior.
She flushed deepest red at his attention, being unused to the men and to the feelings, not to say the passions, that their hardness and masculinity stirred in her breast. "Seven," she breathed.
He drank in with his eyes, her upturned face, her high, well-defined cheekbones, her sea-blue eyes, her shy little smile. "Did you say 'heaven', my angel?" he said with a raised eyebrow and a boyish grin. She gasped at his brazenness and looked studiously upon the drab, carpeted floor of the elevator."

Ascending the Elevator of Love sounds a damn-sight more interesting than this nothing-episode is proving to be. Carmella is about to 'fess up to the baby-selling caper, but Will prevents her from doing so. He wants to let the dead past bury its dead, to let her start with a "clean slate".

Hoyland Homestead. Boyd. They do live with Steph. So that's that riddle solved. Janae enters and Boyd scrambles to hide, but leaves his bag in plain view. Something's up. Janae finds him and enthuses about the fact that he has returned, but he does not seem happy to see her and outright rejects her sexual overtures. Hmm.

Hospital. Rosetta and Carmella. "Do you think it's right to let him continue visiting you under false pretences?" asks Rosetta. She's talking about Will. How do you visit someone under false pretences? Rosetta's desperately inventing ethical quandaries where there are none. Carmella rightly tells her that it's none of her business. "He's a lovely, decent guy, Carmella," says Rosetta. She's obviously given up on claiming that he has substance and depth. Maybe she's got to know him better. "He deserves to be loved without any games or lies." It dawns on Carmella that Rosetta has the hots for Will. She instructs her sister to "Tell him. If you want to crucify your sister for some guy, then be my guest." Rosetta looks shocked by the outburst. Maybe it will help her to clarify her moral dilemma.

Castle Hoyland. Boyd and Janae. Boyd is relating the story of his search for Max. He finally realised that "Dad's not going to be found unless he wants to be." In other words, Australia is a very, very big country. I could have told him that, and I don't live there. He gave up on the wild goose chase and came home. Janae again tries to initiate sex and Boyd again recoils from her. What's up with him? Don't tell me that Max was right about them in the first place. No relationship can be allowed to survive on this wretched show.

House of Hotties nee Trouser. Will is cooking for Carmella. Rosetta asks why he's going to so much trouble for her. Will tells her that he didn't let her come clean. "WHY??" demands Rosetta. "She's got enough to deal with," says Will and he's right. "She doesn't deserve a friend like you," observes Rosetta. "Maybe it's me who doesn't deserve her," says Will. That's not a valid argument, it's just a variation of the Russian Reversal technique. Carmella, in Soviet Russia, Will doesn't deserve YOU!! Rosetta doubts that this is the case. Rosetta has decided not to tell which is, I think, the correct choice. Well done.

House of Hotties Pool. We're in Zeke's fantasy world in which he's a pool-man with a bad-shirt and stupid shades. I can tell it's a fantasy because the edges of the screen are a bit blurry and the resolution's dipped. A scantily clad Pepper approaches him and tells him he's a "real man". Zeke's also got slicked back hair in his daydream. Surely to goodness, he can come up with a better fantasy than this? Pepper calls to him brusquely - and we're back to reality. It turns out that Zeke is, in fact, cleaning the pool. I can't believe that Pepper's using him like this. Pepper dismisses him and he scampers happily away. Little idiot. Enter Rosetta, Zeke shouts a cheery hello to her, before disappearing. Rosetta is in swimwear. Pepper asks her what's up. She replies that she intends to do some laps, since she has been remiss since moving into the erstwhile House of Trouser. Pepper avers that Rosetta's response was the most "appalling deflection I've ever seen. I'm a schoolteacher and I've seen a few." Not as many as I have - I'm a Neighbours viewer. Rosetta admits that she has a crush and Will and that, shock! horror!, she's a virgin.

General Store. Lou and Mishka are still going on and on about the Tazzle. I've had it up to here with the frickin' Tazzle! What? Is it laced with heroin or something? Why is it so blooming great? Perhaps it will prove to be carcinogenic (like Max Hoyland is) and everyone in Erinsborough will die a lingering death, and they'll all curse the day they ever heard of Tazzle! Mishka is pouring Tazzle into Lou's coffee. Boyd and Janae approach the counter. Boyd wants some breakfast, and is pretty rude in demanding it. Now that he's training to be a doctor, he thinks that he's too important for good manners. Janae wants a Tazzle milkshake. Lou wonders why the young couple aren't at home, if you know what he means. "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge," he says. "Say no more, say no more," pleads Boyd. Once again it is emphasised for us that Janae wants sex and Boyd doesn't. Boyd gets a phone call. "The newspaper interviewed me when I was in Tasmania and that's all I've got to say. Don't call me again!" Suspicious.

Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is interrogating her housemate. She can't believe she's a virgin. Then, it's her turn to come clean about her love-life. She's got Rosetta beat in the love and woe department, she insists. She and Frazer aren't engaged and, in fact, hardly even knew each other. They only pretended to be engaged to get into a house. It's easier for settled, double-income couples apparently. Will and Rosetta managed okay though.

Ext. Will carrying tupperware. There's that guy in the car again. I'd forgotten about him. He has something to do with Will. We're supposed to think he's a criminal or something. He wants Will to get into the car with him. Will declines. "Park here if you please, Jones," says the old man to his driver. He wonders if chauffeur-driven limousines are a regular sight on Ramsay Street. I'm not sure of the exact definition of 'limousine' is but I'm reasonably sure that it doesn't include the BMW saloon that Jones is driving. Did you think I wouldn't notice, old man? Will gets into the car.

Pool. Pepper and Rosetta. Pepper is persisting in talking about her and Frazer's unconvincing backstory. She thinks Frazer has a thing for Rosetta - and she's welcome to him if she wants him. She thinks she will "die old and alone with cats." You're never alone when you have cats, Pepper. Besides, Zeke would marry you in a heartbeat. I assume you're keeping him around to massage your ego, but think of him as a potential failsafe. She and Rosetta hatch some stupid scheme or other. Pepper's trying too hard. I don't know what they're talking about, I'm not really paying attention. I'm still thinking about Ascending the Elevator of Love:

"Her index finger trembling, she pushed the call button and then she waited anxiously. Please, please, please don't let him be in there again! She didn't know if she could stand it. Her trepidation increased in direct proportion to the lighted numbers above the elevator, mounting and mounting as the lift ascended. One. Two. Three. Four. Her bosom was heaving, and she felt dizzy and hot. Five. Oh no. Six. Almost here. Seven. Bing! The doors opened slowly, seductively. It was empty. Her relief was palpable. Her heart juddering against her ribcage, she stepped into the lift. The doors closed behind her.
"Are you going up or down?" he asked. She jumped and then froze and slowly swung around. He was standing in the corner, next to the control panel against the wall. That's why she hadn't seen him.
"I'm going down," she said softly.
"I bet you are," he said with a dirty leer. "I bet you are." "

Car. Will and old man. Aha! I think that the old man is Will's father. So, they're finally getting around to resolving this mystery. Shame I've lost interest. They blew it. They left it too long and they blew it. Apparently, Will is endangering his birthright with his prince and the pauper-act. Whatever.

Harold's place. Lou and Mishka. Mishka is feeding Lou. She declares that it is "time for canoodle". Lou jokes that it is "canoodle-a-clock". They commence canoodling. Lou has a flashback to Mishka pushing him down the stairs in Russia. It's every bit as good as I'd imagined it. Mishka wonders what's the matter with her Lou Bear. "You look like you see ghost of Stalin." Not any ghost, of course, because Mishka is Russian. Lou's vivid memory prevents them from canoodling. Oh, well.

Ext. Zeke and Will. Zeke saw Will in the car. Blah, blah, blah. Here's more from Ascending the Elevator of Love:

"Surely this time ... this time she could have the elevator to herself. Or, at least, it wouldn't be the two of them alone. She had been varying her start and finish times at the office, so she wouldn't come into contact with him, but so far this had been to no avail. She held her breath as she counted down the floors until it reached her. The doors spread luxuriously apart. She didn't dare to look to see if he was there, and, eyes pointed downward, she stepped briskly inside.
"Why hello," came the familiar, baritone voice.
"Holy hell!" she exclaimed vociferously, her patience and her coyness gone. "Do you just spend your whole day riding up and down in the elevator?"
"Yes," he said in silken tones, "I do." "

Hospital. Some doctor who isn't Karl (what's going on? I'm scared.) is undressing Carmella's wound. Will is there to lend support. The doctor warns Carmella not to expect to see her old self smiling back at her, and tells her that her treatment still has a long way to go. The bandages are removed. Will winces. Come on, Will! That wasn't very well done. Too late, he recovers himself and tells Carmella that she looks fine. Carmella demands a mirror. She sees her disfigured face for the first time and so do we. It really isn't that bad. Considering she had a pot of boiling water thrown in her face, she's extremely lucky. Just looks like a nasty blister. Not too big, localised to the lower part of her cheek. That'll fade in no time. Carmella doesn't think so. She thinks she's hideous. Will puts on a brave face, but I can tell that he thinks so too. They're all overreacting. She's got off very lightly. It really isn't as bad as all that. Will leaves, bumping into Katya in the lobby outside. Katya tells him that the operation that Carmella will need is very expensive and she doesn't have the insurance. Will looks thoughtful - perhaps he'll have to approach his father for money and resume his rightful place as the Prince of Tasmania, or whatever the hell he is.

Credits.

(If you're wondering how Ascending the Elevator of Love ended then ... er ... the elevator broke down between floors one day and they were trapped. They sat around talking for hours and hours about their feelings and stuff and she realised that behind his macho posturing and libidinous comments there lay a shy, sensitive man who liked the same things that she liked. Then the elevator was fixed and they went on with their day to day lives. The next day, she purposefully stopped the elevator between floors and then got it on with him. And then ... um ... they lived happily ever after and he fulfilled her girlhood dream by buying her a pony. The End.)