Neighbours, Neighbours

My hit count has skyrocketed from zero up into the tens! and someone called Nosey Rosie has actually, for real, commented on my blog, so I feel I ought to explain myself to those of you who don't actually know me. Make this a jumping on point for new readers and all that.

Ha ha, funny story: On my profile on a popular photo-sharing website I listed Susan's vitriolic "Go home, Karl!" as one of my all-time favourite quotations. This was mainly because my other choices were very pretentious, and I wanted to seem a bit more fun and rounded. The inclusion of this quotation delighted my brother (who introduced me to Neighbours in the first place) who shouted "GO HOME KARL!" at me on my messageboard. I responded to him by giving him a short recap of what happened in that day's episode (Susan had told Karl to shut up and pushed him over) because he doesn't have a television. One of my friends saw this post and said "Mike, can I sign up for your Neighbours recap please?" and I thought the idea that I had a Neighbours recap was amusing. (Oh how naive I was! Little did I suspect that it would become a living death!) I had this blog that I'd set up but didn't know what to do with and so wrote a long and pernickity account of what had happened in that day's Neighbours and sent the link to my friend.

Ahem. I think that sounds convincing.

Rosie tells me that the Birmingham University Neighbours Appreciation Society is indebted to me. While I'm pleased to learn that there is such a society, I'm a little worried that I might be misinterpreted: I know how students are prone to knowing irony. So let me clarify: This isn’t postmodern, this isn’t irony. I'm in earnest. I'm not laughing until cry, I'm laughing lest I cry and that's a different thing entirely.

Hmm ... If I say that something is not postmodern then does it become, ipso facto, postpostmodern? Probably not.

Enough! here's Neighbours 29/01/2007.

I was wrong when I predicted a lull after the fierce melee of Friday's plot developments. This is the best episode I've recapped so far. The Previouslys ratchet up the tension with a thrilling, thumping bass and synthesised beat underlying them. They're like Friday's episode, only punchier and without the excoriatingly dull 'what'll Will and Rosetta do on their second date?' subplot. We see Teresa and Carmella and the pot of boiling water; Sky and newborn Kerry in the smoke; Carmella being carried to the hospital by Will; Stingray entering the hospital; Sky discovering that her baby is missing. Yesterday, I said she was wheeled into the room, but now I can see that she quite definitely walked in on her own. In other words, I imagined a wheelchair. Weird.

This episode is called 'Babe Runner'. I guess it's a punning reference to Ridley Scott's 1982 film Blade Runner only instead of being a grimy tale of simulants and assassins and existential uncertainty, it's about a stolen baby. So it only really works on the one level, and not very well at that: At no point do we see the baby running, nor anyone running with the baby. The 'runner' part of the title is, then, entirely redundant.

Hospital. Sky, Karl and Harold. "We will find [Kerry]," insists Karl. Neither Sky nor I are convinced. Sky avers that Teresa has stolen her baby. I think she's wrong there - I still think it was Stingray. I think she's a red herring - too obvious. Karl also thinks Sky's wrong, but not for the same reason as me. "Teresa's still in the psych ward," he says patronisingly, based on no evidence at all. He's certain that Kerry will turn up somewhere. I think he thinks they've just misplaced the remote control or something, because he's very blase about the whole business. If Kerry's safe and sound elsewhere in the hospital, asks an astute Sky, "then why is her crib in here?" She's got Karl there. Harold gives Sky a big hug.

We're still in the hospital. The Corleone sisters are here and so is Will. Carmella is lying in bed, with bandages stuck over half her face. Looks like Teresa was a pretty poor shot with the boiling water. Carmella doesn't appear to have been blinded - she's lucky. "You've been burned," obviouses Rosetta. I think she knows, Rosetta. She was there. Carmella is anxious to find Teresa. She tells Will and Rosetta that Teresa wants Sky's baby. Why would she hurt a baby? wonders Rosetta. Not hurt, replies Carmella emphatically, steal. Oh! I see! She's not a baby hurter. She's a baby stealer. Rosetta won't let her sister get out of bed, so they reach an ingenious compromise, whereby Will goes and checks to see if the baby's been stolen or not and Carmella stays put. Carmella is grateful. Will's got so much substance and depth! What a guy. After he's gone, Rosetta gently insists that Teresa wouldn't do anything so egregious as stealing a baby. Her reasoning? One summer, she volunteered at an animal shelter. As a lawyer, she should know that the argument "no one who likes animals can be bad!" doesn't really hold water. Hitler was a great dog lover. Perhaps, if he hadn't killed himself, he could have used that defence at Nuremburg.

Timmins house. Rachel and Bree. They exposition at each other about the missing baby and Stingray's disappearance for a while, for those people who weren't paying attention during the Previouslys. Trying to lighten the mood and, perhaps, as a totemic gesture towards her recovery, Bree says aloud the baby's name: "Kerry Mangel." She would, she opines, never name her baby 'Janelle'. You might, Bree, if, heaven forfend, Janelle was shot by duck shooters. Bree then muses that she must be jinxed. "Another mix-up at the hospital." She's referring, of course, to the circumstances of her own birth. She's a changeling child. The real Bree is a blind girl named Anne. I'm not sure what became of that storyline.

Hospital. Harold and Janelle. Apparently, Janae's in the waiting room. A bit of a flimsy excuse as to why she's not in this episode when she was in Friday's, but I'm feeling magnanimous so I'll let it slide. Enter Dr Karl. "The last time Dr Kerensky saw Kerry she was in her crib waiting for Sky." Is it hospital policy to leave a premature newborn alone? Fire or no fire, it seems that Erinsborough Hospital has been rather lackadaisical. There should be some very serious questions asked in the Australian Parliament. "The police," explains Karl, "are widening their search beyond the hospital." I'm glad someone has actually called the police, I've seen no evidence of them so far. Enter Will. He's surprised to learn that Kerry has indeed disappeared. "You'd better come with me," he says, full of self-importance.

Carmella's room. Everyone is crowded in there and ... oh no ... Steiger's on the case. Steiger is the world's worst policeman. Remember that time when he was investigating Boyd for that murder and then spent the entire episode playing a fruitless game of good cop/bad cop, quoting Chinatown and repeatedly taking his sunglasses (or, if you prefer, his Specs of Suspicion) off and putting them back on? Or that time when he set up a sting operation, where he didn't secure the perimeter and Paul Robinson (who, incidentally, should have been questioned about the Lassiter's murder, since he was the one who committed it) ended up getting shot? All right, he was wearing a flak jacket, but, to paraphrase Dumb and Dumber, what if Robert had shot him in the face?

Steiger listens to Carmella's description of Teresa and then says that he'll issue a Karloff. "What?" say Will and I simultaneously. JINX! Now he's not allowed to talk until someone says his name. Since, you know, he's not a real person I'll have to enforce this by judicious use of the mute button. Steiger explains that 'Karloff' means "Keep a look out for." Sounds a bit of an inadequate response to me. Even if he's not convinced that she took the baby, she's absconded from the psych ward, she's guilty at least of Actual or Grievous Bodily Harm and she ought to be the prime suspect for starting the fire. Surely he should issue a warrant for her arrest and not a polite request to his officers to "keep an eye out for her, if they're not too busy". And, crucially, he doesn't actually issue his Karloff immediately, choosing instead to stand uselessly in Carmella's room.

Karl Kennedy is so wise! "I certainly wouldn't have put [Sky and Teresa] in the same room if he'd known her psychology," he says sagely. That's good to know Karl! You moron. He's trying to sound authoritative, but, since it's the most useless and obvious thing he could possibly have said, he comes off sounding lame and as if he's trying to absolve himself of any culpability for the situation. While Karl tries to cover his arse, Janelle is playing the blame game. She points a finger squarely at Carmella. It's guilt by association, because this is the sort of thing that "mob families do" and thereafter they "close ranks". She tells Carmella that the "Timmins family is a force to be reckoned with." Steiger steps in. Shouldn't he be issuing his Karloff? Or, better still, he could actually help to look for the baby. "You've just made a blatant threat in front of a senior police officer," he tells Janelle. It wasn't that blatant a threat. I don't think he really knows what he's talking about.

Bree and Rachel are out searching for Stingray, I think they've printed flyers, but I couldn't really get a good look at what they're holding. They see Teresa, and resolve to approach her. Possibly she's seen Stingray? Steiger's also seen her from his patrol car. Maybe he's a better cop than I give him credit for. Teresa has a pushchair. Perhaps she does have the baby after all and Stingray was the red herring. Steiger walks up to her. She must be Teresa Corleone? Why, yes she is officer. The camera moves around and we see the pushchair is empty and that Teresa has been cooing over thin air. A nice little bit of misdirection there. No, really. They had me going there for a second. Normally, by this point in an episode, I'm about ready to snap my notebook shut and then beat someone to death with it, but remarkably I'm still engaged today, and genuinely curious and concerned about what's happened to little Kerry. Who'd have thunk it?

Hospital. Harold and Sky. Sky is sobbing, and Harold looks concerned. "Sweetheart," he says tenderly, "even if you're right and Teresa has taken the baby, she wouldn't hurt it." Some solid reasoning. Sky is cheered by the thought that Kerry is being cared for. I haven't the heart to point out that, given her modus operandi where babies are concerned, Teresa might well have sold her by now. There was something quite touching about that scene. Two lonely, battered souls cleaving together across the generations in a time of crisis. Where's Joe Mangel, by the way? You'd think that he'd be interested in the birth of his grandchild. I don't think he's even been mentioned for a while.

Teresa's being interviewed by Steiger. "I told you," she says, "I don't know where my baby is." Steiger sighs. "Are you certain you want to waive your right to have your lawyer present?" he asks. If she's already waived her right to have her lawyer present, then so be it. Just get on with doing your job, Steiger. He's worrying about securing a conviction, when finding the missing baby should be his top priority. "You should be out there looking!" says Teresa. My sentiments exactly. Steiger reminds her that she's guilty of a serious assault. I would have thought it constituted GBH. Enter an extra in police uniform. He and his colleagues have just been looking at the security footage from the hospital and it looks like they have another suspect.

Steiger and Janelle. Steiger tells Janelle that there's another suspect. It's "[Janelle's] beloved youngest son. The reason I get out of bed in the morning." What are you blathering about, Steiger? Janelle insists that she hasn't even seen Stingray. It's irrelevant in any case because they worked out "yonks ago" that it was Teresa. What is a 'yonk' exactly? I have a vague recollection that it relates to "donkey's year". Now, I would suggest that the timeframe of this episode is short. Aristotle would have approved. It was night when the hospital went up in flames and, seemingly, the sun was up when this episode started. Kerry was taken for tests before being left alone in Sky's new room in the undamaged wing of the hospital. Since there was nothing wrong with her, I'm going to guesstimate that that process took no more than two hours. It seems logical that Kerry must have been taken from the new room, because the nurse would hardly have carried an empty crib in there. I think we can safely assume that Kerry wasn't long missing before her disappearance was discovered. That means that Kerry was born two or three hours before dawn, and was kidnapped at dawn or shortly thereafter.

This episode, number 5088, aired in Australia on 1st November 2006. Now, in Melbourne, the Sun rose at 6.13am on this date. After laying the fire, Teresa must have gone to the room where Sky was giving birth, been unable to gain ingress and so left disappointed. This would have been circa 4.ooam. Alternatively, she might have gone to the room she and Sky had shared and found it empty. Either way, she would have had ample time to get changed, find a pushchair and wander the streets of Erinsborough, eventually to be discovered and picked up by Steiger, a couple of hours after he was informed of the disappearance. Let's say the absence of baby Kerry was noticed at 7.00am and he was called in an hour or so later. So, when she was spotted by Bree and Rachel with her pushchair, it was around 10.00am.

Janae saw Stingray slip into the hospital just before the birth (say, 3.45am) and, if he is indeed the culprit, he must have lurked around inside for almost three hours until presented with the opportunity to snatch Kerry from the empty room. Perhaps, he and Teresa passed each other in the corridor. He was almost certainly drunk, so maybe he became disoriented amid all the confusion, found his way to the safe part of the hospital and fell asleep there, to be woken by the sight of his baby, unattended in Sky's new room. He snatched the baby and staggered out at around 6.30am. Really, this detective work shouldn't be down to me. It's what Steiger's paid for, after all. In short, it seems unlikely that a day (let alone a single, solitary yonk) has passed since the disappearance, and Janelle cannot have worked out that Teresa was the culprit more than a few hours ago. Her use of the word 'yonk' is, therefore, inappropriate.

Janelle asserts that Stingray hasn't even been anywhere near the hospital. "Yes he has," says Karl. Ooh! He made me jump - how long has he been lurking there? "Why would [Stingray] steal his own baby?" asks a distraught Janelle. "It makes no sense." "Well," intones Steiger, "not much that has happened in the last twenty-four hours has." He can say that again. In fact he could extend it to the "last twenty-four years." Imagine the round robins that Neighbours characters must send out at Christmas:

"Hey all, 2006 has been a hectic year. Kimbo came back and then became involved
in a DVD piracy racket, so had to leave me at the altar with the cops hard on
his heels! Janae got hitched to Boyd, even though she's legally a minor and so
had to lie about her age. Lyn (who's been so kind to us) lost her house when the
baby-belt she'd co-financed went belly-up, but then Loris showed up and bought
the house for us! We all thought that Dylan was going to be a father when Sky
fell preggers, but then it turned out that it was Scottie's baby! Scottie and
Dyl had a big blue and now won't speak to each other and then Scottie pinched
the little Sheila from the hospo! Merry chuffing Chrimbo."

It's absurd.

Bree and Rachel are still looking for Stingray. Bree's showing his picture to some blonde girl and telling her how tall he is. Apparently, he's a good two inches shorter than she is. Next time they're in shot together, I'll check it out. She says he's "droopy looking". Rachel calls Bree over to her. She's found Stingray in a bush. He's clasping something to his chest. What is it? Thank goodness! It's a teddy bear, and not a dead baby.

Rosetta is talking to Will. I can't hear his side of the conversation, because he's still jinxed from earlier. She tells him that Carmella will be fine - there's all sorts of different surgery for burns these days. "You must think that our family's crazy - stealing babies and scalding each other!" she laughs. It's a bit soon to be cracking jokes, Rosetta. She explains that her father is in prison, and was involved in underground business dealings.

Harold and Sky. Harold tells Sky that "every baby is born with a Guardian Angel and our little Kerry is no different." He must be thinking of Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. Sky accepts the fanciful premise. "Maybe her Guardian Angel is Mum," she says. Harold thinks so too. "I did feel her presence in the room." They're getting very mystical and weird and Star Wars. I suppose they're stressed and have been up for ages, so I'll forgive them. Harold resolves to pray for Kerry to be found safe and well. Enter Stingray. Harold is not best pleased to see him, but Sky is more welcoming. Stingray announces that he's had a wake-up call. "So you keep saying," sniffs the sceptical Harold. For someone who was talking about Guardian Angels just now, he's suddenly very grounded. Enter Janelle. She tells Stingray to run. Enter Steiger. "Thanks for the announcement, I heard it right down the corridor." There's no way he was any significant distance away. He seemed hard on Janelle's heels, so was almost certainly standing right behind her. "Don't talk to them until I've talked to Toadie!" she calls to Stingray as he's frogmarched away. I don't know why they insist on using Toadie as a lawyer. He managed to get Steph convicted of murder on the basis of 'pillow fibres in the lungs' which is plainly nonsense. Everyone sleeps on pillows. He's a terrible, terrible lawyer.

Steiger's interviewing Stingray and, for some reason, Janelle's there too. Thankfully, there's no sign of Toadie. Janelle says there's no way that Stingray would do such a thing, but Stingray can neither confirm nor deny. He's having an alcoholic blackout. Steiger says that some of the CCTV footage is obscured by smoke. It shouldn't be. Surely, baby Kerry was taken from the undamaged wing of the hospital. "You stole your baby in a drunken stupor!" shouts Steiger. He doesn't gain anything by so doing.

Custody Cell. Teresa and Rosetta. Rosetta is being all lawyerly. Now that there are two lawyers on the street, I wonder how the cases will be divvied up. Maybe Rosetta will get them all, and Toadie will become a professional wrestler. "You've been downgraded from suspect to 'person of interest' in the baby case," Rosetta tells her cousin. Huh? She advises that Teresa will need a lawyer for the charge of arson and of assault. If that was an attempt to drum up some business, it hasn't worked. Teresa doesn't trust Rosetta as far as she could throw her. "I don't have to have a lawyer," she says smugly. True. She finishes off the scene by telling Rosetta about Carmella's part in "killing [her] baby." Rosetta looks shocked and appalled.

The bush where Stingray was discovered. Steiger's gesticulating wildly and cops are rushing off to where he's pointed. I'm not sure what he expects of them. I think it was all about appearing powerful and in control. "Think," Steiger says sternly, "your baby's safety depends on it." Stingray looks lost. "Did you go to the bottleshop?" They check Stingray's pockets for receipts. Something falls to the ground. It's an ankle tag, bearing the legend "Baby Mangel, Mother Sky." This does not look good for Stingray.

Hospital. Harold and Sky. Harold is praying. "Don't you think, after the bad luck our family's had, that praying might do more harm than good?" Come, come Sky, your family's not had that much bad luck. Apart from Kerry being shot by duck shooters. And Madge dying. And Harold being washed out to Sea and then turning up years later playing the tuba with seaweed in his hair and amnesia. And Harold's stroke, which turned him into Evil Harold for a while. And that plane crash which killed David, Lilyana and Serena but no one else. And your baby being stolen. Some people don't know how good they have it. Harold doesn't know what to say to that. Enter Janelle. "Janelle!" says Sky. Janelle is pretty upset. The tinkling piano of 'pretty upset' plays. Sky won't hear any ill of Stingray, but "ever since Scottie and Dylan had their blue, Scottie's just been a ghost. Just not himself. There was something brewing." "Not this," says Sky. Janelle: "They found Kerry's bracelet on him." "I will not believe what the evidence says!" Sky's hamming it up a bit. "I know in my heart and soul that there must be some explanation." "Do you know what my heart's telling me?" asks Janelle. I hope she doesn't tell us. "That Kerry is safe and well somewhere." Doesn't seem very likely. Sky: "I've been feeling that too. Her energy. It's all through me. It's all around me." Oh come on! "Or maybe it's just wishful thinking." You think?? "Or maybe," says Janelle with undeserved confidence, "it's just mother's intuition." If this scene wasn't so stupid, you could read it allegorically. Sky rejects Harold's religious consolations in favour of Janelle's more primitive earth-mother shtick. Whatever. Janelle and Sky have what I can only describe as a 'face hug' and we segue to

somewhere mysterious. There's little Kerry swaddled in a pink blanket with white teddy bear faces on it. It says "Erinsborough Hospital Linen Service" on it, so we can be sure it's her and not some other baby. A male hand reaches down and touches the blanket. Whose is it?

The credits roll.

My guess? It's Dylan. Anyone else would have called the police. He's the only one who would have conflicted emotions upon finding the baby in the arms of the comatose Stingray. Of course, it could be someone who just bought the baby off eBay. I've got the next two episodes recorded, so I'll try and get up to date tomorrow.

Yet More Neighbours

Sorry for the delay in posting this - I've only just now got around to watching Friday's Neighbours. I kept on finding better, more interesting things to do. Which is quite heartening really.

In recompense for my tardiness, I'll put a bit more effort into today's entry.

Which can only mean one thing: Saints be praised! I've painstakingly created another

So Good Image

I call this one 'The Reckoning' and it's set ten months in the future.

Susan Kinski is out walking in the park in her purple shoes and khaki top. "I wish I hadn't worn these bell-bottomed trousers which are exactly the same colour as the grass," she thinks.

Suddenly, she comes upon Izzy Hoyland, who's wearing a fetching straw boater, navy blue blouse, tie-died black and white skirt, lime green tights and brown shoes. You wouldn't think that anybody could pull off that ensemble, but Izzy can. She's pushing a peculiar looking pram and peeping out of it is Karl Junior, who, like all babies, has exactly the same face as his father.

"Hello, Susan," says Izzy with a frozen grin. Susan is dumbfounded, Karl Junior giggles and two curiously menacing kangaroos from the nearby billabong stare on in silence.

Would you believe, I don't have any photoshopping software, so I produce these SO GOOD IMAGES using only MS Paint?

Huh. I just had a weird sensation. Do you ever wonder if you're becoming a parody of yourself?

On to Neighbours 26/01/2007.

The Previouslys: Carmella and Will picnicking; Stingray's escape from his inept captors; Rosetta and Will; Teresa raging at Sky before being escorted from the room. I'm reasonably interested in the birth of Sky's baby, but not at all interested in the newbies from the House of Trouser, so the Previouslys provoke mixed feelings in me.

Hospital. Sky is worrying. Teresa's lunatic ravings obviously affected her. She thinks that her eating disorder might have negatively impacted on the baby. Jelly Belly and Karl reassure her. Karl tells her they're going to try and stop the labour. I think Sam Beckett did that in one episode of Quantum Leap by getting the mother drunk. Ziggy said that he'd saved both mother and child by doing that. Then he leaped. "The most important thing," says Karl in an odd, growly voice, "is that you stay relaxed." I can't really set down in words just how very patronising that was. Sky seems to be OK with it though. Outside the door, Karl says to a nurse that he'll ready the paediatric ICU. I'd love to see a Quantum Leap / Neighbours crossover show. It would be rubbishly good.

Stingray staggers into a playground with a whisky bottle in a brown paper bag. It's not much of a playground, just a couple of rusty swings like you might have in your garden. He sits down and checks his phone. Ooh! He has a message. He opens it. His phone works differently to mine, because it tells him about missed calls, voice mail and text messages on the same page. He has a missed call and voicemail and a text message from Sky. I bet the text message says "hey stinger,havin ur baby pls cum 2 hospital". He doesn't read it though, preferring to listen to the voicemail instead. Sky's loving, forgiving message provokes a crisis of conscience. I'm still impressed with Stingray's acting, so it wasn't just a one-time thing on Thursday. There's a generic 'song of sadness' playing on the backing track. Some vowelly, indistinct female voice is singing about "Little of nowhere / Finally you can break" or something. Whatever happened to that song that went "Don't look back / Nothing's ever easy / If you stay on track ..."? They used to play that all the time and now they never play it.

Hospital. Three generations of Timmins women are in the waiting room - namely Janae, Janelle and Loris. Janelle is badmouthing Stingray for running away from their ridiculous 'house arrest'/kidnapping style of intervention. Loris sticks up for him. "Stop sticking up for him!" snaps Janelle. "Basically," she says, "he's inherited all his dad's worst qualities and added alcohol. Not a good combo." Shut up, Janelle, you idiot. Harold comes in. He tells them that the inhibiter drug seems to have quieted the contractions.

House of Trouser. Rosetta is voiceovering. She's writing a journal about how she feels about Will. I really don't care. I still resent the fact that these new characters have just been thrust upon us on the flimsiest of pretexts. Where's Toadie going to live? The House of Trouser belongs to him. And what if Connor hasn't been murdered and manages to find his way back to Erinsborough? He'll be furious to find these characterless pretty boys and girls taking up house room. Enter Will and Carmella. "Still working?" asks Carmella breezily. Rosetta says that she is. She's hidden her journal. Carmella picks up a trashy romantic novel and reads from it. Since Rosetta disavows it, Carmella surmises that it must belong to Poo Poo Stinker. Carmella reads the book aloud scoffingly then manoeuvres the prose around so that she's talking about her date with Will and what his plans for their second is. "That last part isn't in there!" says Rosetta hotly, "I mean, I would imagine." Aha! So it's Rosetta's book. That's the sort of hilarious slip-up that would really happen in real life. I wish we were back in the hospital where the plot is actually moving forward for once and not in the House of Trouser arseing around with character development. I couldn't give a monkey's who likes to read Mills and Boon nor what Rosetta and Will will do on their second date. Will says it's Carmella's turn to think of something, by the way. Will leaves and Carmella begs her sister to help her plan the date. That's going to be hard on Rosetta considering that she has feelings for ... I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE TRIVIAL PEOPLE AND THEIR TRIVIAL PROBLEMS. SKY'S HAVING A BABY AND STINGRAY IS AN ALCOHOLIC!!!

Phew. That feels better. Rosetta, perfectly reasonably, points out that Carmella has been on dates before so should be able to fend for herself. No, whinges Carmella, this is different. The guys always organised them. "Yeah, but you went on them. So you still know what they were like. What are you? Some kind of moron?" is what Rosetta should say but doesn't. Apparently, the last date that Carmella went on was to take Father Patrick to the nursing home. "Sounds fun," says Rosetta, "does he have a brother?" No, silly, Father Patrick is eighty-two, says Carmella who is impossibly dim. I don't think that she was seriously enquiring, Carmella. I think it was a joke.

Huzzah! We're back at the hospital. Karl is listening to the bump. He assures Sky that it is "going well". Sky hopes he isn't lying. Karl tells Harold that the baby's heartbeat is a little faster than he'd like, and that Sky is still having contractions. He tells him to keep the Timminses away because Sky ought to remain as calm as possible. Harold takes a deep breath and goes in to see Sky. Sky "wishes Mum were here." Harold gives her a pitying smile. "Do you reckon she's around?" 'No, Sky,' I say gently, 'she was shot by duck shooters. Don't you remember?' Harold disagrees. He is certain that Kerry is there. Oh no! Sky thinks her water just broke. There's no stopping the birth now.

Be still my bile and spleen, we're back with the Corleone sisters. Carmella says "I could hire a plane" and Rosetta says, quite rightly, "that would be over the top" for a second date. I wonder how long they've been talking about this date. It's not difficult: People have been organising and going on second dates since prehistory. I know because I saw an episode of Cave Girl once. "A walk on the beach?" is, according to Rosetta, too cliche. Maybe she could dress up in that kinky nurse's outfit she bought to entice Ned Boringbelly away from Katya. Carmella suggests "dinner somewhere exotic" but Rosetta smugly asserts that this could cause gastroenteritis. Oh come on! If you're going to be that fussy, then going across the street is out because you might be hit by a car! Especially if you happen to look like someone evil and Max Hoyland is around. Carmella is frustrated by her sister as well, because she plaintively yelps "Rosie!" It doesn't really matter if she just does something ordinary for her date. It's all about who you're with rather than where you are. There's nothing new under the sun and, as a Neighbours character, you'd think she'd be painfully aware of that.

According to Rosetta, the date needs to be something "Simple but not boring, imaginative but not extravagant. It's the little things that matter to someone of Will's substance and depth." Hang on a second! Nice try Mr Scriptwriter, but you can't give an uninteresting, uncharismatic character substance and depth by having someone describe them as having 'substance and depth'. I've hardly met this Will-character nor have I seen him do anything of significance. I'll decide whether or not he has 'substance and depth' thank you very much. Will loved the Ravioli that Rosetta made him so Carmella hits on "taking him to Italy" by means of cooking him dinner. I'm not sure how this fits the criteria that Rosetta laid down, but I think I'm supposed to think it's a great idea.

Carmella will make Will a meal like "Nonna used to make." Yes, snarks Rosetta, but "Nonna could cook." This backfires spectacularly as Carmella wheedles and inveigles Rosetta into helping her cook. Enter Will. For no reason whatsoever, he's carrying Bob. Can't Bob walk? Carmella tells him he's in for a real treat on the surprise date.

Hospital waiting room. We can hear Sky's inhuman wailing through the door. Everything is going well, Sky's baby might be premature, but it is very strong. Janelle and Loris reminisce about the pains of giving birth. Loris says giving birth is like trying "to shove a camel through the eye of a needle." This is a reference to Matthew 19:24. I wonder if there is an implicit criticism of Loris's extreme wealth here, since she is unwittingly talking not only about giving birth, but also about her own chances of getting into Heaven. Deep. Sky is having a difficult time of it. Her wailing isn't particularly convincing though. Jelly Belly offers her a bag of wheatgerm and she hurls it out of the door, narrowly missing Janelle, who takes the hint and absents herself. I'm not sure what good Jelly Belly thought the wheatgerm bag would do, but, bless him, he's trying to help.

Rosetta is writing about love in her stupid journal again. She says so in voiceover in pretty much exactly those words. Even she thinks it's ludicrous. Enter Will. He's a man of such substance and depth. He says that Don Corleone must have had a hard time of it with two such pretty daughters ... because ... er ... he must have had to beat off all the boys with a stick. Rosetta smiles wistfully. Carmella was always the wild one. She [Rosetta] worked hard. But surely, says Will, a beautiful girl like Rosetta must have had some fun at Uni? Let it drop, Will, you fool. I'm starting to think that you are possessed of neither substance nor depth. Rosetta came top of her class, she tells him. Will just can't let it go. He's a clodhopping arse. Next, he says grinning like a buffoon, she'll be telling him that she's never had a boyfriend. Rosetta looks embarrassed and flustered. Oh well done, Will. Bravo. Imbecile.

Hospital. Sky is stoned. The "pain relief is kicking in" opines Karl. I guess she decided to give up on her idea of having an entirely natural birth. Either that or Karl or one of the nurses got tired of her ridiculous banshee-like screaming. Janelle comes in, Sky looks pleased to see her, but that's probably just the drugs. "Nearly got me there," she says passing Sky the wheatgerm bag. Thank goodness! I don't think anyone could manage a difficult birth without a precious, precious wheatgerm bag. Janelle apologises for being so mean and for Stingray. Sky waves the unpleasantness away and insists that she "just wants to make [her] baby." Huh. Making babies is a euphemism for sex. I've never heard it in the context of giving birth before. Sky has another contraction. I can tell because she's screaming like an air-raid siren again.

Ext. House of Trouser. Carmella is fretting about the finishing stages of her dinner. She doesn't know what sautee means and an exasperated Rosetta yells that it means "FRY!" I'm glad we were spared the earlier stages of the cooking, it would have been a comedy of errors with Rosetta saying things like "dice the carrots" and Carmella not knowing what "dice" meant and then Rosetta screaming "CHOP!" Might have got tedious after a while. Here's Will. He wants Rosetta to give him a lift to the Scarlet Bar. Why can't he walk like everyone else does? Since I was told that he had substance and depth, I've been trying to ascertain his character traits. So far, I've come up with 'negligently unobservant' and 'lazy'. Rosetta and Will leave in Rosetta's car. Carmella spots Teresa dressed as a nurse across the street. She gives chase. Teresa is inside, chewing on the scenery. She expresses her intention to steal Sky's baby, "my baby inside her" and she's practically foaming at the mouth. She makes Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs look like he's underacting. Carmella stands in her way. There's a shot of some water boiling in a pan and then we're outside again and we hear someone scream. Cripes, did she throw the boiling water over Carmella? That will rather spoil this date that she's spent so long planning.

Hospital. Karl's being all doctorly. Enter Stingray. Karl refuses to let him see Sky until he's sober and summons security. He gives Stingray a "straighten out and fly right" speech. Shut up, Karl. He's not really in a position to judge. He's a functioning alcoholic. I remember that storyline even if the writers don't.

Sky's whingeing. I don't know what her problem is: She's got that wheatgerm bag, what more could she possibly want? She's surrounded by Timminses. The midwife says that everyone who's not on the support list must leave. Exit Timminses. I wonder if that gambit would get rid of them in other circumstances. Every time they're in a scene someone could come on and say "Excuse me, but could everyone who's not on the support list please leave" and they'd just shuffle resignedly away. Could be very useful.

The Baby Seller is in da house! "Whoa, whoaoaao, twing, twang," goes the electric keyboard of PURE EVIL.

Ext. Street. Will with flowers. He rings the doorbell. No answer. "Is this some sort of joke?" he wonders. Think about it, Will. Are you laughing? No. Then it's not a joke is it? I add 'low IQ' to my list of Will's character attributes. "Some surprise," he says with bitter, bitter irony. Yes, that's right, Will. Carmella's doing this deliberately. To hurt you. You big baby. 'Tendency to leap to conclusions and think the worst of people' is going on the list as well. Deep and substantial? Not even close.

Hospital. The Baby Seller sets fire to someone's desk. This is a hospital. People will die because of this. But all she cares about is stealing Sky's baby and then, more than likely given her MO, selling it.

House of Trouser. Carmella is prostrate on the kitchen floor. Bob is licking her face. That will probably help to soothe the burn. Enter Will. He rushes to her side. "Teresa," gasps Carmella. We can't see her face. They obviously haven't done the makeup yet. It will be a real measure of Will's character if he still wants to date the disfigured Carmella. I don't think he will. He'll probably turn his attentions to Rosetta and she'll realise what a heel he is and write something derogatory in her journal. Man, that thing must be a riveting read.

Hospital. Sky's still in labour. The smoke alarm goes off and so do the lights. The emergency services arrive. The sirens sound like the noise that Sky's been making on and off the whole episode. Everyone's hurrying out. There's smoke everywhere. Karl pokes his head out of Sky's room. He's wearing those plastic safety goggles like you used to get in chemistry and woodwork lessons. Must be a messy, potentially hazardous business. "Just one more push, you can do it! ... OH NO!! I'VE GOT AMNIOTIC FLUID IN MY EYES! I'M BLIND! If only I was wearing my safety specs!" External shot. Wow. The fire's pretty intense. So much for keeping Sky calm. Janelle wants to go back in, but is persuaded not to when Will arrives with Carmella in his arms. Good to see he hasn't dumped her just yet. In all the confusion Stingray slips inside the hospital and Janae sees him.

The baby's been born. It's a beautiful baby girl. Sky knew it would be. The baby is hurriedly put into the incubator. For a premature baby, it looks pretty big. The room is filling with smoke. The baby's name is Kerry. She and Sky are wheeled out into the corridor and away from the fire.

Another part of the hospital. The fire's been contained in the east wing. Kerry was taken to the ICU for a checkup, but she's fine so she's waiting for Sky in a room. She's been left all alone. With both the Baby Seller and a drunken Stingray wandering around somewhere I don't for a moment imagine that she'll still be in there. But, we'll see. Sky is wheeled into the room and, what a surprise! the baby is missing. Sky is understandably pretty upset about that. Karl looks more gormless than he usually does. What a load of incompetent fools. I hope Sky sues them. Credits.

Was it the Baby Seller or Stingray? I'd plump for the latter. If it was the former, then poor little Kerry is probably on eBay by now. The annoying thing is that they'll probably not even mention this storyline tomorrow. They'll want to catch us up on other plot developments with Poo Poo Stinker, Bree and Rachel and the hunt for Max Hoyland. I think we just used up an entire month's worth of action in one episode. It'll probably be comedy and light relief for a bit now. I can hardly contain myself.

Neighbours - 24th and 25th January 2007

I signed up for one of those web counter things and got an email from it yesterday. Turns out no one has read my blog. At all. Just as I suspected. It's quite liberating actually, like shouting in an empty field. It doesn't matter what I say, or whether I'm being whimsical and amusing or tedious and imbecilic. Because no one - but no one! - is reading this. If I had any secrets I could declare them here with impunity.

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If someone writes a blog about Neighbours and no one's there to read it, does it really exist? Given that this blog represents my thoughts, and my existence can only be proven by the reflection I cast in the minds of others, do I really exist? Or must I disappear in a puff of Cartesian logic? Whoa, man. Very Zen.

Actually, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but it doesn't bother me overmuch. You can find out why that is by rearranging the following eight words to make a sentence:
A. Hit. Count. This. Blog. Zero. Has. Of.

Ahhh. Anyway, as you can see, I've decided to face the issue of my lack of readers with cheerful insouciance.

In fact, here's a brand new section called

NEIGHBOURS IN THE NEWS
An occasional segment detailing when current headlines mirror events in Neighbours!

Here's what I wrote on 17th January:

"Mishka's Igor was planning to feed Lou to the pigs. "He'd have shopped me to the police?" wonders Lou quite reasonably. No. Apparently Igor's brother is a pig farmer. And Lou would have quite literally been fed to his pigs. Nice and not at all unbelievable."

Well - it looks like I'm going to have to eat my words. Vancouver pig farmer Robert Pickton is on trial for murdering six women (he's been linked with the disappearance of forty three others) and while the BBC is a little chary of providing details of what he allegedly did with the bodies, AOL News is less squeamish. There was a scene in Thomas Harris's Hannibal where the eponymous antihero is almost fed to some ravening swine. I wonder what Harris thinks about this particular case? Maybe he's all, like, "Wow - I can really get inside the mind of a psychopath." Must be unnerving.

*******

On to lighter subjects: Yesterday's Neighbours. The much-anticipated meeting of the shareholders of Lassiter's took place. Both parties sought to break the deadlock by getting hold of the mystery partner, whose 2% could swing the decision either way. Riveting television. All they had to go on to identify them was an email address - jelly_belly1938@yahoo.com. Hmm ...

I'm kidding. Despite my earlier prediction, I'm not sure the mystery Sleeping Partner is Harold. I just looked on Wikipedia to find out when Ian Smith was born to, you know, add credence to the email address and I discovered that Ian Smith and Tom Oliver (aka Lou Carpenter) were born within a week of each other. Huh. Also, according to the site, Smith was adopted because he was the child of an incestuous rape.

Back to Neighbours: The sought after 2% was made redundant when Dylan decamped to the Robinson side of the table, taking his 9% share with him.

Lou decided that he rather liked being pursued by two women and decided to play Mishka and Ginelle off against one another. He suggested he take them both out on a date and then made his decision. This backfired when Mishka told Ginelle that she shouldn't be worried about such trivial matters when her youngest son was a drunk. Ginelle felt very guilty about blowing Stingray off yesterday and was alarmed when she couldn't get hold of him.

Ned Boringbelly told Harold not to give up his pursuit of Loris.

Katya kept stealing cars. Every time she did it, or thought about doing it, she got an incredibly stupid, demoniacal expression on her face. Evidently she's Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac. She must have paid off the kidney-dialysis blackmailer because she was able to buy Ned a watch. He commented that he never expected to have anything in common with David Beckham. I guess David Beckham has that watch as well.

Susan left to visit Billy, who's expecting a baby. She didn't want to leave Karl, the kids and Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac, but was eventually persuaded to go. It later transpired that what she was really worried about was not being able to have sex with Karl. Ew.

******
Neighbours - 25/01/2007

The Previouslys show Dylan and Stingray; Mishka and Ginelle (Gah! I thought we were done with this stupid competition Lou-Bear's running); Harold giving Stingray the 'responsibility' speech and the Baby Seller whispering to the Baby Cellar's bump.

I notice that the credits have been revamped. Looks like Max Hoyland's still in the show, so he's possibly not going to vanish without trace as Connor did. Ahem:

WHERE IS CONNOR???

Don't worry Connor, I won't let this rest until I see justice done. I won't forget you as Toadie, Ned, the scriptwriters, story editors and directors did.

Also the new characters from the House of Trouser are having a barbie in the credits. I hate them. You can't just bring in a whole raft of new characters at once and expect me just to accept them and to care about any storylines appertaining to them, particularly when you're going to be so ridiculously coy about revealing who some of them actually are. Grrr.

We start with Stingray holding a baby. It's obviously a dream, the camera's a little unsteady and unfocused. Sky's there as well without the fat-suit. Good. It means she's not touching or stroking her belly, which is how she seems to act 'pregnant'. It's Sky's dream: we see her troubled, sleeping visage. Enter Dr Karl. Sky wants to go and see Stingray, and Karl says she can do some light exercise. Teresa (damn! I accidentally learned the Baby Snatcher's name) continues to attempt to poison Sky against Stingray - "he's a hopeless drunk". She's like a spectacularly inept version of Iago. Or of Izzy Hoyland. Teresa wants to accompany Sky. Presumably in case the baby pops out when she's not around to steal it. This whole situation is absurd. Karl insists that she stays put. Sky leaves. Mishka pops her head around the door and Karl tells her he's very busy. He doesn't look it. Mishka tells him she is sick "with the longing". She says that Lou is ensnared by "that bogan". Karl clarifies for us that she means Ginelle. Karl informs her that there are no "magic potions" to make Lou love her. He's obviously forgotten about that sleeping draught that made him mistake Izzy for Susan. And then sleep with her. Perhaps Mishka could use some of that. Karl then forcibly escorts the Baby Seller to counselling.

Harold, Rachel and the Timminses (excepting Dylan and Stingray) are planning an intervention. Harold warns that the alcoholic Stingray is not "the same person" as the brother, son and boyfriend they knew. That's rather a Victorian view of alcoholism - very Jekyll and Hyde. The Timminses stiffen their upper lips and resolve to help Stingray. "He's a lucky young man to have you" observes Harold. He's not so lucky to have Dylan as a brother, however. Dylan doesn't want Stingray back. He has disavowed him and he's perfectly happy canoodling with Elle thank you very much. He hangs up on his mother with a sneer (Dylan sneers very well) and a noncommittal "I knew I shouldn't have answered it." Bree and Janae have a little warm-up intervention, rounding on their mother and telling her to stop using Lou. I don't think she's using him, but that seems to be the opinion of everyone in the episode, including Ginelle, so who am I to disagree? Anyway, Bree and Janae tell Ginelle that she is not the right woman for Lou.

Cut to Lou and Ginelle's date. Where do you suppose they are? Yep. It's the Scarlet Bar. Janae is sitting in the background looking awkward. She makes a screwed-up "hurry-up" face. She's not really cut out to be an extra. She has a succession of weird and wonderful expressions as she drinks her green drink, that detract from the action in the foreground. Ginelle puts it to Lou that he loves Mishka. Lou replies that Mishka "Hurt [him] in more ways than one." Yeah. She dumped him and then she pushed him down the stairs. Enter Stingray. He heads straight for the bar. I'm surprised he's got any money. Maybe he didn't spend all of the $100 he stole from Janae. Or maybe he still works there. Anyway, Janae intercepts him. That's why she was in the Scarlet Bar. I thought it was to check up on her Mum, which didn't seem very likely. Janae tells Stingray that "she's cool about the money." She wants to take him for a coffee at the General Store. Stingray still can't believe she's letting him get away Scott (boom, boom) free after he stole from her. She punches him on the arm to set his mind at rest. I give a grudging chuckle. Stingray insists that he doesn't have a problem.

Lassiter's. Sky is trying to get in to see Stingray. There's some dramatic irony here, see, because we know that Stingray is being taken to an intervention. The desk clerk says that "his" room phone is set to "do not disturb". I suspect that Sky and the clerk are at cross purposes. He's referring to Dylan and Elle's Room of Sex. Sky fakes a contraction in order to get the room number off of the guy. That ought to be terribly bad luck. Enter Mishka. Bizarrely, Sky seems pleased to see her. She fills Mishka in on the baby situation and Mishka offers her some sage advice including: "Not all stuff is of the bad. In the end we grow." What is that supposed to mean? Mishka has asked her airline for a transfer since Lou obviously prefers Ginelle. She calls Ginelle a bogan again. Well, I can see why he would prefer the bogan. Ginelle has never dumped him and then added injury to insult by pushing him down the stairs. Sky repeats throws Mishka's advice back at her: "Not all stuff is for the bad. In the end we grow." Maybe I'm tired, or insane, but that's starting to sound profound. I might adopt it as my motto.

Teresa is back from her counselling session. She's worried about Sky. Dr Karl tells her that he's moving her to a psychiatric ward. She pretends to be OK with that, but slips away when Karl's not looking.

Dylan and Elle in their Room of Sex. Pillow talk. Dylan tells Elle that she's the "most eligible babe this side of the black stump." She must be flattered. There's a knock on the door. Dylan thinks it's room service, but we all know it's Sky. They both leap out of bed, and then stand in front of the door snogging. Apparently they want to put on a bit of a show for the room service guy. Dylan opens the door. Lo and behold! it's Sky. Dylan seems sadistically pleased that she's seen him with Elle and Elle looks, well, puzzled and constipated. But I think she's gunning for 'mortified'. Sky looks horrified. She mumbles that she's looking for Stingray and Elle tells her she thinks that he's booked in under his grandmother's name. Isn't her name Timmins as well? Maybe she's reverted to her maiden name. Sky leaves. An upset Elle claims that Sky is her "best friend". I think that ship sailed when Elle pretended to be dying in order to steal Dylan away from Sky, but maybe Sky's more forgiving than I am. Dylan looks exuberant. Elle asks him if he feels guilty. Nope. Embarrassed? Nope. Regretful? Nope. She's very slowly running the gamut of negative emotion. This guessing game could take some time. Next step: Slightly discomfited? Nope. Puzzled and constipated? We leave them to sort out exactly how Dylan's feeling. I'd plump for 'grimly satisfied'. It'll take a while for Elle to guess that one.

Stingray's Intervention. Stingray looks like a zombie. He's disengaged his emotions. Harold's jowls are trembling with concern. Everyone evinces concern for him. We're then treated to 'Stingray-Vision' and see that he thinks that he's being persecuted and harangued.

Park. Sky is upset. She starts to have contractions. I told her it was bad luck to cry wolf in Lassiter's like that. Enter Teresa. She yells for an ambulance. She's upset that Sky has risked the baby's health by so inconsiderately going into labour. Quick aside: Many of Dickens' novels operate by having what might be described as a 'Centre of Evil' - a character so remorselessly wicked, that his or her only motivation is malfeasance and whose personality can only be defined by their devilishness. In Little Dorrit there's Blandois/Rigaud, in Oliver Twist there's Bill Sykes, in David Copperfield Uriah Heep and so on. This character serves as a foil for the others and helps to present an illusion of moral relativism. Compared to Bill Sykes, Fagin begins to look like a rounded character. The same thing happens in Neighbours. Teresa is a purely evil and exists in the show only to move the plot forward and to make the other characters seem more like human beings. Gus and Robert Robinson did much the same thing. If a character hangs around long enough the edges are softened. Izzy and even the mighty Paul Robinson have played 'Centre of Evil'. Once they've been in the show for the requisite amount of time, their motives become dictated by other forces than garnering our hatred. Occasionally they act for the good, and occasionally for the bad, and that passes for complexity of character.

Twing-twang, music of sadness and uncertainty and we're in the Scarlet Bar. Mishka and Lou. Mishka is leaving because of the "bogan". Huh. That's the third time she's called Ginelle a bogan and gone unchallenged. I detect a nasty undercurrent of class prejudice in Ramsay Street. Actually, I don't really know what 'bogan' means, but from its context in the show, it seems to be pejorative. Dictionary.com is no help on the subject. Mishka decides to give Lou a "piece of [her] brain" and confronts him about his relationship with Ginelle. Lou tells her that they ended it. Mishka doesn't believe him - she saw them hugging. Lou assures her that it was just a goodbye hug between friends. "Harold is your friend," says Mishka astutely, "you say goodbye to Harold like this?" Lou looks flustered. He's so deep in the closet that he's taking tea with Mr Tumnus. Mishka and Lou proceed to demonstrate on one another how they interpret the hug until they reach a point where they're basically having sex in the Scarlet Bar. I guess that means they're back together.

Back at Stingray's Intervention. Stingray rounds on his perceived accusers one by one. Harold calls him "son" and Stingray sharply reminds him that he doesn't have a son. Harsh. David wasn't much of a son, but Harold was still pretty cut up when he died in that plane crash. Harold answers his mobile phone as Stingray jeers at him. He rushes off. He's been told that Sky has gone into labour. Stingray wants to be present at the birth, but the wounded Harold will not permit him to go near his granddaughter. Exit Harold. Stingray has vitriol to spare, accusing Janae of being a slut, Rachel of deserting him and Ginelle of being a terrible mother. Bree is singled out because she's not his real sister. Wow. That was actually some good acting from Stingray. His family seem to have put him under house arrest. Doesn't that constitute kidnap? Ginelle tells him she'll call the police if he tries to get out. Why? He hasn't broken the law. Except by stealing that $100 from Janae, but she wouldn't press charges.

Hospital. Sky is in labour. Harold, Lou and Mishka in attendance. "You think you have problems," says Mishka in an inappropriate attempt at levity, "Lou Bear has me for girlfriend again! Hold onto your kittens!" Shut up Mishka, you self-involved goon. And you mean 'hold onto your horses'. Gah. The Baby Seller muscles her way into the room and screams abuse at Sky for putting the baby at risk. She is forcibly evicted.

Intervention. All the doors are locked, and Stingray is not even allowed to get water. He eyes up some keys on a shelf. He apologises to his mother. Possibly he calls himself a spigging huffter. That would be in character. He tells his mother that he doesn't hate her, but "hated seeing [himself] through [her] eyes." He is being disingenuous, because when no one is looking he takes the keys. He goes out into the kitchen. The kitchen door is locked, opines Ginelle, there's no way out. Rachel decides to leave and goes to say goodbye to Stingray. Shock horror! He's gone and the door's wide open. They're a bunch of idiots.

Credits.

More Neighbours

Today's episode was eventful and populous. I counted seventeen separate scenes. So it was really bitty and now my note-taking hand really aches. Also Lyn Scully is back. I've been watching season three of Battlestar Galactica, which is very good indeed. I've also been watching the seventh and final season of The West Wing which is note perfect. The writing, acting and direction is faultless. I'm sure that either of those shows would be an absolute joy to recap. The brisk, snappy dialogue that, you know, actually makes sense. The nuance. The sense of purpose. Heavenly.

Enough whinging and wistful thinking - here's Neighbours 23/01/2007.

The Previouslys intimate that we'll get more of Steph and Summer, Stingray and Janae and Mishka and Ginelle. I can already tell that it's going to be one of those episodes where the plot inches forward on just about every storyline. No sign of Baby Seller and Baby Cellar or House of Trouser Newbies though, which is a mercy.

In honour of Mishka, I'm going to use the tried and tested Russian Reversal technique to name the various scenes. Unless I get bored half way through, which is more than likely.

SCENE ONE - In Soviet Russia, Park Bench Sleeps on YOU!!

Stingray is asleep on a bench in the park. Someone wearing red plants something in his pocket. Maybe it's some well-meaning recovering alcoholic giving him details of where to get help. Stingray wakes up, looks at the figure's retreating back and then reads the note. "Tell Steph I love her." "Max!" shouts Stingray, "Max!" I'm not sure that was Max. He looked too small.

SCENE TWO - In Soviet Russia, Chopsticks Play YOU!!

Hoyland residence. Toadie's tinkering around on a keyboard and Summer is sitting with baby Charlie on the sofa. Toadie wishes that he had Summer's musical talents. What? The musical talents that we knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about until the actress decided to leave the show and the writers rather fancied sending someone to a specialist music college? Everyone wants her to go back to Gillard and they're all trying to manoeuvre her into accepting that her character has been written out of the series and all her lines given to Rachel. Summer is having none of it. She tells Steph: "Your attempts at manipulation are as lame as his [Toadie's] version of Chopsticks." Toadie says: "You can't blame a bloke for trying," which, since he hasn't really said anything about her returning to Gillard, means that he's hurt and upset by her running down his version of Chopsticks. He should learn to take criticism. Especially since he's so bad at everything. Steph lies to Summer about Susan saying that there are no places for next year at Erinsborough High School. Summer avers that it is a Government school, and so legally obliged to take her. If it genuinely is full, however, I reckon that they'd be entitled to place her in another school in the area. Perhaps the one in Eden Hills.

Enter Lyn Scully. You can actually feel the quality of the acting deteriorating as she strides into the room. Steph's enthusiastic greeting is drowned out by my howl of dismay. There's no time for small-talk, however, because for some utterly unfathomable reason, she's got Stingray in tow. "I saw Max!" says Stingray plaintively. I don't really know what Lyn was doing in that scene. Couldn't they have waited until later to bring her back?

SCENE THREE - In Soviet Russia, the Chizzle drinks YOU!!

Scarlet Bar. Harold is looking agitated. Which, in this instance, means like a grounded guppy. Enter Mishka. Chitchat. Mishka's spent twenty six hours in the air with Ukrainian miners. Or minors. Take your pick. Neither sounds very likely. Harold says he's fine but Mishka knows he's down in the dumps. She has something that will bring cheer. It's in her suitcase, which she opens. It's Chizzle from Russia. Harold looks horrified. Or pleased. I'm not sure what his motivation is in this scene, his facial expressions (and his chins) are all over the place. "All of that is for me?" he asks. Apparently, it is. He wonders what he has to do for it. "Is gift from friend," says Mishka. There must be a catch - there's no such thing as a free chizzle. "You talk to Lou for me?" wheedles Mishka. Aha! There is a catch. Harold doesn't want to "dip his oar into those waters". His jowls belie him. Really, he does want to dip his oar into Lou's water, if you know what I'm saying. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

"It's good to have friends to rely on each other," says Mishka sagely. Harold looks like he doesn't understand what she's talking about. Neither do I. She clarifies: "You too honourable man to take gift from one who is not a friend." No, no, no. He really wants that chizzle. He agrees to approach Lou and Mishka kisses him.

SCENE FOUR - In Soviet Russia, Note Loses YOU!!

Hoyland homestead. Stingray confesses that he lost Max's note. He is subjected to a barrage of questions. "Why were you sleeping on a park bench in the middle of the day?" asks Summer. Lyn stands in the background looking useless. Poor Stingray, he didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. Toadie interrupts. "Stingray, a word." He sounds serious and promptly frogmarches his cousin out of the room. Next scene. Phew. This pace is exhausting.

SCENE FIVE - In Soviet Russia, Old Lady Feels YOU!!

Bishop residence. Lou is baking cakes and Harold is doing the washing up. They're talking about women. Harold advises Lou about the love triangle of which he is the apex. Lou tells Harold that his advice is invalid since "Your troubles in the lady department are singular." And not doubular. What an idiot. True to his promise to Mishka, Harold broaches the subject of Ginelle, suggesting that she might be a little too youthful for Lou. Lou cackles. "You're only as old as the lady you feel," he says. Eww! In my notes, I've underlined that Eww! six times. Lou thinks that the writing is on the wall with regard to his relationship with Ginelle. Lou sees the chizzle in a cupboard and works out that Harold has been bribed. After Harold's protestatiosn to the contrary, Lou changes the subject. "Have you planted one on Loris?" he asks. EWW!! "Faint heart never won fair maid," he cliches. I don't know why he feels able to comment on Harold's singular relationship troubles, when his are doubular.

Enter Ginelle with a cheery "Heidilly Ho!" Lou jokes with her that Harold is a double agent working for the Russians. Ginelle offers Lou sexual favours.

SCENE SIX - In Soviet Russia, Sister Steals From YOU!!

Hoyland digs. Toadie looks furious. He knows that Stingray stole from Janae. He launches into a tirade against the hapless drunkard. "You're not much of a brother, you're not much of a son, you're not much of a cousin." I don't know what it means to be a good cousin really, but I don't want to nitpick. Toadie really sold that speech. Not only has he damaged his own family, he has made it worse for Steph and co by dangling hope in front of them and then snatching it away. "You're a drunk," he tells Stingray in disgust. "You've made it worse. Get out."

SCENE SEVEN - In Soviet Russia, Mobile Phone Plays With YOU!!

Scarlet Bar. Enter Lyn and her extraordinarily ugly baby. Before you get all moralistic and, like, "Hey lay off him, he's just a baby!" I'd like to point out that I am one of the many, many, many reasons you don't put your two year old child on Neighbours. I'm not the cause of the problem, I'm only the symptom. That's an entirely defensible ethical position. And he is ugly.

Elle is talking to the PI she hired. She doesn't care what it costs, she just wants him [Max] found. If he's dossing around Erinsborough then that should be pretty easy. Lyn sits with Elle and has a pointless conversation about work. "You won't have a minute to sit and worry." Yak, yak, yak. During this conversation Oscar has picked up Elle's mobile phone and is playing with it. At first I thought that this was going to be a plot point; that he was accidentally going to redial the PI or something and that Lyn was going to find out about it and tell Steph what a good person Elle was, thus heightening Elle's guilt. In fact, it was just more evidence that neither director nor actors have any control whatsoever of what Oscar does when he's on set. He just wanders around doing whatever the hell he likes. I hope he's not paid very much.

Harold and Loris are also in the Scarlet Bar. Harold is talking to her. He's fumbling around for the right thing to do and ... OH MY GOD HE'S SNOGGING HER!!! I must confess I did not see that one coming. Must be that Lou asking whether he'd "planted one on her" earlier in the episode got to him. Loris is as shocked as I am. "Harold," she says flatly. "Loris," replies Jelly Belly. "Harold," she says. "Loris," he says, his jowls quivering with embarrassment. "Have you been drinking?" she asks. He hasn't. Awkward silence. She puts him down firmly and leaves. That did not go well. Everyone in the Scarlet Bar is just staring at Harold, who, full credit to Ian Smith, looks like he'd like to shrivel up and die right there. Bizarrely, throughout the last part of this scene someone has been singing "I've never been to Cuba" on the backing track.

SCENE EIGHT - In Soviet Russia, Zookeeper Dresses Like YOU!!

General Store. Mishka is asleep. Again. Doesn't she have a bed somewhere? Ginelle comes over to her and bangs her handbag down on the table in front of her. Mishka comes to with a start. Ginelle tells her that she is overdoing it. That was a crack about her age I think. Mishka is having none of it: "My mother work in Siberian engine factory until she eighty-nine." Ginelle comes back with "In my country, fresh is best." She's almost, almost playing the Russian Reversal game. In Australia, Spider Kills YOU!! Anyway, Dylan really liked that "fresh is best line". He chortles into his coffee. I don't really know why he's in this scene, or why we needed to know what he thought of his Mum's crap one-liners. But here he is with his own close-up, so what can you do?

Ginelle tells Mishka that Lou is booked into Chez Timmins that night. Mishka doesn't like it when Ginelle speaks in French, and I don't like it when she speaks in English, so she's caught between a rock and a hard place. Mishka assures Ginelle that Lou will cancel his booking when he hears what she [Mishka] has to offer. Ginelle is angered by this. She tells Mishka that she will treat Lou to a fashion show. "What you know of fashion?" snorts Mishka. "You dress like zookeeper." She's right. Ginelle storms off. Dylan reveals what on earth he was doing in this scene in the first place: He tells Mishka that Ginelle isn't really interested in Lou, but is, in fact, still hung up on Kim. A grateful Mishka offers to pay him for the information, but he refuses.

SCENE NINE - In Soviet Russia, Neighbours Recap Writes YOU!!

Exterior Lassiter's. Stingray is sitting on a bench. Ginelle comes over to him. "Hangin' out with all your mates?" she asks. Ouch. Stingray's such a pariah. They chat about whether or not he's OK. Blah, blah, blah. Not really caring about her son's predicament, Ginelle leaves. Enter Dylan and Elle, talking about their relationship. Yawn. Elle wants to go up to a hotel room. "Haven't we been on this roundabout before?" asks Dylan. Yeah. And Elle ended up pregnant, but neither of you know it yet. Duh. Elle almost confesses to making Max go insane and then doesn't. There go three minutes of my life that I'm never ever going to get back. Joy of joys, here are Ned and Loris. There are a lot of characters wandering aimlessly about in front of Lassiter's today. They are talking about Ned's new job and about Carmella and Katya. Apparently, the best person for Ned might be right under his nose and .... OH MY GOD THEY'RE SNOGGING!!! Harold opens the door and sees them. Ned rebuffs Loris' advances.

SCENE TEN - In Soviet Russia, Joke Grows Tired of YOU!!

Timmins den. Lou enters with flowers. The flowers are from Kim. Ginelle tells Lou to leave. He complies. The card reads - "With very many love, Kim." Hang on a second! That sounds like Mishka. Something is rotten in the state of whatever state Erinsborough is in. Dylan confesses to having told Mishka about Kim. Ginelle is hurt to have been betrayed by her own son.

SCENE ELEVEN - In Soviet Russia, Something Somethings YOU!!

I bet you can feel my patience wearing thin. Eleven scenes. This is a twenty minute show. It seems just about every character is in this episode and they all have to say something, however dreary and meaningless.

House of Trouser. Katya arrives with a white rose for Ned Boringbelly. Apparently, though, she was right to be jealous because he did, in fact, have a thing for Carmella. But nothing will come of it. That's OK then. They can go back to being friends, more than friends? You betcha. They're smooching. Whatever.

SCENE TWELVE - In Soviet Russia, The Credits Can't Believe They Haven't Got To YOU!!

I'm getting increasingly desperate now and this recap is beginning to feel increasingly like a slow, painful suicide.

Hoyland house. Toadie. Steph. Summer. Blah, blah, blah sacrificing happiness blah, blah, blah Gillard. Upshot: Summer's leaving. Just as soon as someone can drive her to the station. I'd volunteer but I'm writing this fracking recap.

SCENE THIRTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Neighbours hates YOU!!

This is beyond a joke now. We're back in the Timmins house. Loris is embarrassed for smooching a bit of local eye candy. Ginelle makes me feel a little better by insulting Ned Boringbelly. He might be, she says, easy on the eye, but he's also far too easy on the brain. She declares that she will restart the Cold War.

SCENE FOURTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Dylan and Elle want to kill YOU!!

This scene is ENTIRELY extraneous. It serves no purpose at all. Scarlet Bar. Elle still loves Dylan always will. Then they talk about tomorrow's meeting. Which isn't going to happen until TOMORROW. Why isn't this conversation in TOMORROW'S EPISODE? Or, better still, why don't they just show the meeting and not bother with MEANINGLESS CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT? Words cannot express my rage.

SCENE FIFTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Fifteen Scenes In A Twenty Minute Episode Cannot Understand Why There Is YOU!!

Surely to goodness, this must be the last scene. General Store. Lou Bear has left the building. Unfortunately, Harold and Loris are still there. She wants to apologise, but it's too late. Harold saw her with Ned Boringbelly and he doesn't want to compete with him.

That's the cliffhanger folks. All together:

Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours ...

Oh all right:

SCENE SIXTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Stupid Blog Wishes It Had Never Started YOU!!

Later. General Store. Mishka and Lou. Mishka's flowers did the trick and Lou seems to have been warned off Ginelle. Mishka has brought Lou a sausage from Omsk, which, apparently, is his favourite. But then, in an ingenious plot twist, a letter arrives from Ginelle / Igor. "I have friends in your country. Stay away from Mishka." It's accompanied by a bullet. Threatening. Amazingly, that wasn't the cliffhanger either because here's

SCENE SEVENTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Kidneys Need To Operate On YOU!!

Kinski home. Katya. Some doofus turns up, Katya recognises him and is not best pleased. His kidneys are diseased and he needs $10,000. He thinks that Katya should stump up the cash. Ned Boringbelly arrives and Katya shoves the blackmailer shoved into the shower out of the way. Katya fobs Ned off. The blackmailer reveals a DVD. Probably a blue movie from Katya's porn days or something. The wailing music of evil plays and

Credits. At last.

Neighbours Catch-up

Apologies to any readers who might have been offended by my suggestion that Bree Timmins would be dead by the age of forty five. She doesn't need to go to Fat Camp that urgently. It's actually quite refreshing to have a normal-looking kid in amongst the pop starlets and eye-candy who usually populate this show. So, I'll lay off her in future - it says more about my prejudices and hangups than it does about her. I'd like to apologise unreservedly to all my readers.

I'm kidding of course. No one reads this blog. It doesn't really matter what I say.

The fact that someone has commented on one of my entries might suggest that I do, in fact, have readers, but don't be deceived! zhu666 claims in a comment he/she left on my second entry here that he/she had read the blog. I smell a rat. Here's what he/she says:

"I have seen your blog and I found a lot of interesting Content... So good image and some good art... I invite you to see mine at here."

I think I've been spammed. Here's what first aroused my suspicions: "I have seen your blog and I found a lot of interesting Content". Pfft! Interesting Content? A blow-by-blow account of that day's episode of Neighbours? I put it to you, zhu666, that you have not seen my blog. What you would have said had you really seen it is "I have seen your blog and it was so dull that it literally made my eyes bleed. Dude, get a life."

The next clue that zhu666 was not entirely on the level came when he/she wrote that he/she found "so good image and some good art". Aha! There hasn't been a single image on the blog, let alone a "so good" one, nor was there anything approaching "some good art." Why would zhu666 lie like that? The answer: "I invite you to see mine at here." A little bit of quid pro quo. He/she praises my blog, I praise his or hers. Well, I'm not going to play that game.

zhu666's comment did, however, make me think. Maybe I should add some sparkle to this blog by putting in a picture or two. I think I will. So, zhu666, just for you:

A SO GOOD IMAGE!





















Lyn Scully and Paul Robinson are holidaying in New York at the moment. Here they are posing in front of the Statue of Liberty. Hmm ... it doesn't look as good on the screen as it did in my imagination, but never mind.

"I've done so much shopping!" declares Lyn.

"I know!" laughs Paul, "I didn't even know that my credit cards could be maxed out."

Lyn looks pensive, Paul saying 'maxed out' has made her think of Max Hoyland running away.

"I hope Steph is OK, I wish she could be here!"

"I'm sure she's fine. She was always strong," chimes in Flick.

"Everyone say 'cheese!' " says Michelle and she takes the photo.

****

I think I've really captured the moment there. You'll notice that Lyn is wearing a lovely red dress and matching shoes that she bought in Macy's. Her outfit really suits her. Paul is wearing a Tuxedo and a peg-leg and I don't really know what Flick is wearing. Looks like some sort of black, squiggly little number. Michelle, behind the camera, is wearing a green, velveteen ball gown. They're all off to a fancy restaurant later. Wait what's that! If you look closely, you can see that Lyn Scully is pinching Paul Robinson on the bottom! Cheeky!

Back in Erinsborough, Bree and Rachel have taken to calling Pepper Steiger 'Poo Poo Stinker'. Witty. They're running some sort of lame-arsed campaign against her. Susan's on to them though and has threatened to reveal some of Rachel's godawful poetry to Bree if she persists in making Poo Poo's life any more difficult for her. I think that's a bit of a breach of Rachel's confidence on Susan's part there. She ought to be able to discipline her stepdaughter without recourse to blackmail. She's only stooping to their level. Susan Kinski, you should get back on the moral high ground!

What else? Oh yeah. The House of Trouser mob are still scrambling for our attention. The bloke who Poo Poo is going out with / not going out with got hit on the head with a wrench. No one knew who did it, although he did get a dodgy phone call involving someone being shot while he was at the hospital. But it turned out to be a horse. The other guy, whose name I can't be bothered to remember, answered it and he and Carmella's sister leapt to the conclusion that their housemate was a gangster. Carmella's sister should know, coming, as she does, from Erinsborough's premier Mafia family.

I have a confession to make. It was me who hit Poo Poo's boyfriend with the wrench. I am going to systematically murder all of the Neighbours characters one by one. First it was that guy who isn't who he says he is in the House of Trouser with the wrench, next it will be Zeke Kinski in Susan's kitchen with the candlestick then Mishka in the Billiard Room with the lead piping. Janae kindly agreed to take the rap for me with some preposterous story about how she threw the wrench over the fence when she was practising fixing an engine. That was good of her. It won't stop me killing her in the Timmins Hallway with the Revolver however.

Stingray is still grappling with alcoholism, though Harold has taken him in hand now and it looks like he means business. Stingray managed to dodge the many-jowelled god of Neighbours and borrowed/stole $100 off Janae in order to go on a bender and now we don't know where he is. Tsk. Tsk.

Meanwhile, the Baby Cellar still hasn't cottoned on to the Baby Seller's evil intentions. I wonder how long they can drag this plotline out for. Is the Baby Seller going to snatch Sky's baby from her as it pops out?

Max is still missing and Toady has temporarily moved into the Hoyland domus. And Summer's back. Rachel, Bree and I all squealed with pure joy. Summer's jacked in her music school, but Toady, Steph and Susan are all sceptical as to the wisdom of her decision so her Sojourn on Ramsey Street may not be a long one.

Today's cliffhanger involved the Baby Seller whispering to Sky's bump. That was either creepy or absurd. I can't decide which.

More Neighbours when and if I can be bothered.

Neighbours 17/01/07

The Previouslys seem to indicate that we're going to get more of Lou and Mishka and Elle and Dylan. Great. Also Karl Kennedy is such a fuddy duddy. He tells the House of Trouser mob to stop playing their bland, generic music in the middle of the day. Title music.

We're in Casa de Bishop and Lou and Mishka are talking. Apparently, Mishka has a tattoo as well and Igor saw it. She pushed Lou down the stairs because otherwise he would have been killed, but she didn't mean for him to fall. Right. So, she was just going to give him a girly little shove to warn him of his impending death. I can see how that would have worked. Lou says "You must think I'm some kind of fool." Yeah, she does and, what's more, she's right. I don't know about anyone else, but whenever Mishka says 'Igor' I picture the butler from Count Duckula. He was pretty mean. Mishka's Igor was planning to feed Lou to the pigs. "He'd have shopped me to the police," wonders Lou quite reasonably. No. Apparently Igor's brother is a pig farmer. And Lou would have quite literally been fed to his pigs. Nice and not at all unbelievable.

Karl, Susan, Rachel and Bree are standing around in the Kinski kitchen. They're talking about Mishka. Bree makes some remark about how her Mum is not at all jealous and insecure. For some reason, Karl and Susan look gormless. Now that they're back together, they always have to be in the same shot, so they're standing unnaturally close together. A word of praise: Susan's facial expressions during this scene are something to be beheld. She hasn't got a lot to do, and she's trying really hard. I'm going to watch this scene again on mute to enjoy the range of her emotions to the full. Ah - I see. They were gormless because they didn't understand that Bree was being ironic. Bree tells them so, with an irritating flourish. I think that Bree might be the single worst actor in Neighbours, but, then again, I haven't seen Lyn Scully for a while. I'm thinking about mailing Janet Andrewartha a copy of Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares to improve her technique, if anyone wants to chip in.

Rachel decides that she's too young to cope with adult issues. She pretty much said this already when she dumped Stingray, but I suppose you've got to fill a twenty minute episode somehow. She tells Karl and Susan that "they were right yet again" about her and Stingray. Karl looks surprised: This is the first time he's ever been right. Susan looks sanguine. Pepper comes in and causes a lot of raspberry noises. She calls Karl a fuddy-duddy. Oh my God! That's exactly what I said when I saw Karl in the Previouslys! Maybe I should write for Neighbours. That whole scene was, needless to say, pretty funny.

Lou and Harold talk about Mishka's return. Lou is worried that his emotions are still locked up like his memory used to be. Ah, the mysteries of the human mind!

Lassiter's. Elle and Dylan drone on about something or other. More kissing. Yuck. Probably going to sleep together in a bit. And, since this is a one night stand, she'll almost certainly fall pregnant. The rule of Neighbours is that longterm, committed relationships induce sterility, while promiscuity increases fecundity.

Lou and Ginelle in the maison de Timmins. Ginelle says "Igor - sounds like some sort of a bad horror flick." Thankfully, she doesn't mention Count Duckula. That would have been too creepy. Ginelle thinks that Lou is going to break up with her and go back to his Russki. Lou says he doesn't want to dump her. To which she sagely replies "no one does it just happens." That made SO MUCH SENSE. She agrees to give him some space for a bit.

Scarlet Bar. Janae is still filling in for Boyd. Of Mishka, she says "She's got guts to cut my mother's grass." Well, quite. Weren't we all thinking that? It seems that everyone today is providing a moral commentary of Mishka. That is to be the way that Neighbours is working at the moment: One character acts and everyone else sits back and speculates as to whether their actions were just or not. It's been Sky's turn to be the dynamo of late. Now, it's Mishka's.

Mishka is wearing her air stewardess uniform. She is asleep on some napkins. Harold asks her if she didn't ought to be at work. She replies that the company she works for (which is almost libellously homophonous with 'Aeroflot') doesn't have a rostering system. Now I don't know a lot about the airline business, but that sounds like something of a logistical nightmare to me. Janae's boss comes into the bar (Steph got her a job as a mechanic at the garage). Apparently, she doesn't mind that Janae skipped work. She's a friend of Steph's. What was the point of her coming into the bar then? That was conflict/resolution in a second. If only all Neighbours storylines were like that. Mishka is getting all soppy about her big, soft teddy bear to Harold. Jelly Belly looks wistful. He wishes he could give Lou a big squeezy hug.

Dylan and Elle are in dressing gowns. She's pregnant, but doesn't know it yet. Blah, blah, big mistake, blah, blah, one off. Usual stuff. They might as well be improvising, no one's listening.

School field. Pepper is a PE Teacher. Susan introduces her. Karl's no longer attached to her. They must have had surgery to separate them. Pepper says "I used to be a student at this school" and Bree says "Who cares?" Quite. That was a bit near the knuckle perhaps, when the scriptwriters are trying to make you care about a new character. Zeke is perving over Pepper. Good to see that he's moved on from 'enjoying' Toadie's porno mags. Bree and Rachel are nonplussed. In order to get out of the cross country run Rachel and Bree claim to have "crabs". Hang on. I'll rewind that. Oh - they said "cramps". I think that crabs might have worked better as an excuse, she is, after all, a female PE Teacher. They're not terrified of "women's problems" and consequently don't put up with that kind of crap. Pepper makes them go on the run.

Ginelle and Dylan in the Timmins domicile. Loris who, apparently, has "more eyes than a blowfly" has spotted Dylan snogging Elle. Ginelle insists that he has nothing more to do with her. "You can't trust her". Blah, blah, blah. By far the most interesting thing about this scene is Dylan's drink. He gets a bottle with an orange label from the fridge. It contains a purple liquid. Fair enough, maybe the Timminses have recycled an old orange squash container and put apple and blackcurrant in it. Dylan then pours the liquid out of shot and, when he raises the glass to his lips, the liquid is vibrant blue. What is it?? That was either a baffling continuity error, or a drink I'd like to try.

Exterior garage. Janae's returning Karl's car to him. The cross country run passes, Karl has a quick perv at Pepper. Probably thinking about leaving Susan for her. Bree and Rachel hang back and run into a burger bar, much to Janae's delight. She wants to remain the slim sister. The boss tells her that there will be a photo shoot later that day for the 'Erinsborough News' which wants to cover the all-female garage. Janae immediately takes a break.

Scarlet Bar. Ginelle threatens Mishka by saying "Biffo from the Russki." She then reveals that she and Lou are not just friends but they are friends. She asks Mishka if she understands and Mishka says "Da." I'm surprised. I would expect even a naturalised English speaker to struggle with Ginelle's gobbledygook. Mishka's lip trembles.

Back at the school. The cross country runners arrive back. Bree and Rachel chuckle that the run was "a piece of chocolate cake", but forget to be inconspicuous and out of breath when they rejoin the others. They are given detention. Susan will not be pleased and Bree will die of heart failure at the age of forty-five.

Garage. Roger the photographer has arrived and Janae returns from her break tarted up like a French prostitute. The boss is not happy. She accuses Janae of making the mechanic profession even more difficult for women, and avers that her attire behoves rather the calendar girls who traditionally decorate garages, than the professionals who fix the cars. She has a point. Newspapers, however, generally only print pictures of "top totty" and "fruity girls", and I rather suspect that the "Erinsborough News" had soaped up ladies in skimpy outfits in mind when they commissioned the shoot. Maybe I'm being cynical. Janae is sent home in disgrace and Roger the photographer is told that the shoot is off.

The Scarlet Bar. Karl and Susan are talking to Mishka. They're joined at the hip again. Lou is the subject of the discussion. Mishka wants to "make love to him like Cossack". If she didn't like Shane Warne (who he? The guy who won X-Factor?- I'm still bitter about the Ashes and am, consequently, trying to corrupt Shane's legacy) so much, she'd be a stereotype. Susan and Karl respond by telling her to be "Gentle, calm and patient" six or seven hundred times. Seriously. If someone had said "Gentle, calm and patient" one more time I think I'd have thrown the SkyPlus remote at the screen. Mishka says "There's more than one way to skin a fox." She means "cat".

General Store. Elle is sitting 'working' at one of the tables. Enter ... guess who? Yep. It's Dylan. The father of her unborn child (and this one is certainly not really Stingray's, although he could be next...). He admits to voting against her just to spite her in that Lassiter's business meeting yesterday (yeah right - his gran's got him by the balls) and offers her an olive branch in the form of his looking over Cam's proposals and reconsidering his decision. Elle tells him that "anger is boring". It's not as boring as "puzzled and constipated" which is the only thing that she seems to be able to emote.

Scarlet Bar. Janae is using Mr Muscle to clean the tabletops. I wonder if that was product placement. She didn't turn to anyone and say "Wow, this really does love the jobs I hate" so I guess it wasn't. Her boss walks in and hugs Pepper, who, seemingly, has been waiting for her. I have a horrible suspicion that Janae's boss is going to turn out to be Pepper's mother - Mrs Steiger. Janae disagrees with me, and leaps to the conclusion that they're a pair of lesbian lovers. It transpires that I am right - Janae is left with egg on her face and looks surprised to find out that feminism is not necessarily tantamount to lesbianism. She leaves. I don't know who in the Neighbours 'writing staff' thought that the character of Steiger was worth investing more time in, but, I for one was perfectly happy for him to remain a tertiary character. Looks like he'll get his time in the Sun now, with a daughter and an ex-wife. Sigh. Apparently, Steiger has run a check on the bloke who Pepper's going out with, or pretending to go out with, or whatever the hell. And he doesn't exist. Credits.

What a rubbish cliffhanger. I know I will watch tomorrow anyway...