More Neighbours

Today's episode was eventful and populous. I counted seventeen separate scenes. So it was really bitty and now my note-taking hand really aches. Also Lyn Scully is back. I've been watching season three of Battlestar Galactica, which is very good indeed. I've also been watching the seventh and final season of The West Wing which is note perfect. The writing, acting and direction is faultless. I'm sure that either of those shows would be an absolute joy to recap. The brisk, snappy dialogue that, you know, actually makes sense. The nuance. The sense of purpose. Heavenly.

Enough whinging and wistful thinking - here's Neighbours 23/01/2007.

The Previouslys intimate that we'll get more of Steph and Summer, Stingray and Janae and Mishka and Ginelle. I can already tell that it's going to be one of those episodes where the plot inches forward on just about every storyline. No sign of Baby Seller and Baby Cellar or House of Trouser Newbies though, which is a mercy.

In honour of Mishka, I'm going to use the tried and tested Russian Reversal technique to name the various scenes. Unless I get bored half way through, which is more than likely.

SCENE ONE - In Soviet Russia, Park Bench Sleeps on YOU!!

Stingray is asleep on a bench in the park. Someone wearing red plants something in his pocket. Maybe it's some well-meaning recovering alcoholic giving him details of where to get help. Stingray wakes up, looks at the figure's retreating back and then reads the note. "Tell Steph I love her." "Max!" shouts Stingray, "Max!" I'm not sure that was Max. He looked too small.

SCENE TWO - In Soviet Russia, Chopsticks Play YOU!!

Hoyland residence. Toadie's tinkering around on a keyboard and Summer is sitting with baby Charlie on the sofa. Toadie wishes that he had Summer's musical talents. What? The musical talents that we knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about until the actress decided to leave the show and the writers rather fancied sending someone to a specialist music college? Everyone wants her to go back to Gillard and they're all trying to manoeuvre her into accepting that her character has been written out of the series and all her lines given to Rachel. Summer is having none of it. She tells Steph: "Your attempts at manipulation are as lame as his [Toadie's] version of Chopsticks." Toadie says: "You can't blame a bloke for trying," which, since he hasn't really said anything about her returning to Gillard, means that he's hurt and upset by her running down his version of Chopsticks. He should learn to take criticism. Especially since he's so bad at everything. Steph lies to Summer about Susan saying that there are no places for next year at Erinsborough High School. Summer avers that it is a Government school, and so legally obliged to take her. If it genuinely is full, however, I reckon that they'd be entitled to place her in another school in the area. Perhaps the one in Eden Hills.

Enter Lyn Scully. You can actually feel the quality of the acting deteriorating as she strides into the room. Steph's enthusiastic greeting is drowned out by my howl of dismay. There's no time for small-talk, however, because for some utterly unfathomable reason, she's got Stingray in tow. "I saw Max!" says Stingray plaintively. I don't really know what Lyn was doing in that scene. Couldn't they have waited until later to bring her back?

SCENE THREE - In Soviet Russia, the Chizzle drinks YOU!!

Scarlet Bar. Harold is looking agitated. Which, in this instance, means like a grounded guppy. Enter Mishka. Chitchat. Mishka's spent twenty six hours in the air with Ukrainian miners. Or minors. Take your pick. Neither sounds very likely. Harold says he's fine but Mishka knows he's down in the dumps. She has something that will bring cheer. It's in her suitcase, which she opens. It's Chizzle from Russia. Harold looks horrified. Or pleased. I'm not sure what his motivation is in this scene, his facial expressions (and his chins) are all over the place. "All of that is for me?" he asks. Apparently, it is. He wonders what he has to do for it. "Is gift from friend," says Mishka. There must be a catch - there's no such thing as a free chizzle. "You talk to Lou for me?" wheedles Mishka. Aha! There is a catch. Harold doesn't want to "dip his oar into those waters". His jowls belie him. Really, he does want to dip his oar into Lou's water, if you know what I'm saying. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

"It's good to have friends to rely on each other," says Mishka sagely. Harold looks like he doesn't understand what she's talking about. Neither do I. She clarifies: "You too honourable man to take gift from one who is not a friend." No, no, no. He really wants that chizzle. He agrees to approach Lou and Mishka kisses him.

SCENE FOUR - In Soviet Russia, Note Loses YOU!!

Hoyland homestead. Stingray confesses that he lost Max's note. He is subjected to a barrage of questions. "Why were you sleeping on a park bench in the middle of the day?" asks Summer. Lyn stands in the background looking useless. Poor Stingray, he didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. Toadie interrupts. "Stingray, a word." He sounds serious and promptly frogmarches his cousin out of the room. Next scene. Phew. This pace is exhausting.

SCENE FIVE - In Soviet Russia, Old Lady Feels YOU!!

Bishop residence. Lou is baking cakes and Harold is doing the washing up. They're talking about women. Harold advises Lou about the love triangle of which he is the apex. Lou tells Harold that his advice is invalid since "Your troubles in the lady department are singular." And not doubular. What an idiot. True to his promise to Mishka, Harold broaches the subject of Ginelle, suggesting that she might be a little too youthful for Lou. Lou cackles. "You're only as old as the lady you feel," he says. Eww! In my notes, I've underlined that Eww! six times. Lou thinks that the writing is on the wall with regard to his relationship with Ginelle. Lou sees the chizzle in a cupboard and works out that Harold has been bribed. After Harold's protestatiosn to the contrary, Lou changes the subject. "Have you planted one on Loris?" he asks. EWW!! "Faint heart never won fair maid," he cliches. I don't know why he feels able to comment on Harold's singular relationship troubles, when his are doubular.

Enter Ginelle with a cheery "Heidilly Ho!" Lou jokes with her that Harold is a double agent working for the Russians. Ginelle offers Lou sexual favours.

SCENE SIX - In Soviet Russia, Sister Steals From YOU!!

Hoyland digs. Toadie looks furious. He knows that Stingray stole from Janae. He launches into a tirade against the hapless drunkard. "You're not much of a brother, you're not much of a son, you're not much of a cousin." I don't know what it means to be a good cousin really, but I don't want to nitpick. Toadie really sold that speech. Not only has he damaged his own family, he has made it worse for Steph and co by dangling hope in front of them and then snatching it away. "You're a drunk," he tells Stingray in disgust. "You've made it worse. Get out."

SCENE SEVEN - In Soviet Russia, Mobile Phone Plays With YOU!!

Scarlet Bar. Enter Lyn and her extraordinarily ugly baby. Before you get all moralistic and, like, "Hey lay off him, he's just a baby!" I'd like to point out that I am one of the many, many, many reasons you don't put your two year old child on Neighbours. I'm not the cause of the problem, I'm only the symptom. That's an entirely defensible ethical position. And he is ugly.

Elle is talking to the PI she hired. She doesn't care what it costs, she just wants him [Max] found. If he's dossing around Erinsborough then that should be pretty easy. Lyn sits with Elle and has a pointless conversation about work. "You won't have a minute to sit and worry." Yak, yak, yak. During this conversation Oscar has picked up Elle's mobile phone and is playing with it. At first I thought that this was going to be a plot point; that he was accidentally going to redial the PI or something and that Lyn was going to find out about it and tell Steph what a good person Elle was, thus heightening Elle's guilt. In fact, it was just more evidence that neither director nor actors have any control whatsoever of what Oscar does when he's on set. He just wanders around doing whatever the hell he likes. I hope he's not paid very much.

Harold and Loris are also in the Scarlet Bar. Harold is talking to her. He's fumbling around for the right thing to do and ... OH MY GOD HE'S SNOGGING HER!!! I must confess I did not see that one coming. Must be that Lou asking whether he'd "planted one on her" earlier in the episode got to him. Loris is as shocked as I am. "Harold," she says flatly. "Loris," replies Jelly Belly. "Harold," she says. "Loris," he says, his jowls quivering with embarrassment. "Have you been drinking?" she asks. He hasn't. Awkward silence. She puts him down firmly and leaves. That did not go well. Everyone in the Scarlet Bar is just staring at Harold, who, full credit to Ian Smith, looks like he'd like to shrivel up and die right there. Bizarrely, throughout the last part of this scene someone has been singing "I've never been to Cuba" on the backing track.

SCENE EIGHT - In Soviet Russia, Zookeeper Dresses Like YOU!!

General Store. Mishka is asleep. Again. Doesn't she have a bed somewhere? Ginelle comes over to her and bangs her handbag down on the table in front of her. Mishka comes to with a start. Ginelle tells her that she is overdoing it. That was a crack about her age I think. Mishka is having none of it: "My mother work in Siberian engine factory until she eighty-nine." Ginelle comes back with "In my country, fresh is best." She's almost, almost playing the Russian Reversal game. In Australia, Spider Kills YOU!! Anyway, Dylan really liked that "fresh is best line". He chortles into his coffee. I don't really know why he's in this scene, or why we needed to know what he thought of his Mum's crap one-liners. But here he is with his own close-up, so what can you do?

Ginelle tells Mishka that Lou is booked into Chez Timmins that night. Mishka doesn't like it when Ginelle speaks in French, and I don't like it when she speaks in English, so she's caught between a rock and a hard place. Mishka assures Ginelle that Lou will cancel his booking when he hears what she [Mishka] has to offer. Ginelle is angered by this. She tells Mishka that she will treat Lou to a fashion show. "What you know of fashion?" snorts Mishka. "You dress like zookeeper." She's right. Ginelle storms off. Dylan reveals what on earth he was doing in this scene in the first place: He tells Mishka that Ginelle isn't really interested in Lou, but is, in fact, still hung up on Kim. A grateful Mishka offers to pay him for the information, but he refuses.

SCENE NINE - In Soviet Russia, Neighbours Recap Writes YOU!!

Exterior Lassiter's. Stingray is sitting on a bench. Ginelle comes over to him. "Hangin' out with all your mates?" she asks. Ouch. Stingray's such a pariah. They chat about whether or not he's OK. Blah, blah, blah. Not really caring about her son's predicament, Ginelle leaves. Enter Dylan and Elle, talking about their relationship. Yawn. Elle wants to go up to a hotel room. "Haven't we been on this roundabout before?" asks Dylan. Yeah. And Elle ended up pregnant, but neither of you know it yet. Duh. Elle almost confesses to making Max go insane and then doesn't. There go three minutes of my life that I'm never ever going to get back. Joy of joys, here are Ned and Loris. There are a lot of characters wandering aimlessly about in front of Lassiter's today. They are talking about Ned's new job and about Carmella and Katya. Apparently, the best person for Ned might be right under his nose and .... OH MY GOD THEY'RE SNOGGING!!! Harold opens the door and sees them. Ned rebuffs Loris' advances.

SCENE TEN - In Soviet Russia, Joke Grows Tired of YOU!!

Timmins den. Lou enters with flowers. The flowers are from Kim. Ginelle tells Lou to leave. He complies. The card reads - "With very many love, Kim." Hang on a second! That sounds like Mishka. Something is rotten in the state of whatever state Erinsborough is in. Dylan confesses to having told Mishka about Kim. Ginelle is hurt to have been betrayed by her own son.

SCENE ELEVEN - In Soviet Russia, Something Somethings YOU!!

I bet you can feel my patience wearing thin. Eleven scenes. This is a twenty minute show. It seems just about every character is in this episode and they all have to say something, however dreary and meaningless.

House of Trouser. Katya arrives with a white rose for Ned Boringbelly. Apparently, though, she was right to be jealous because he did, in fact, have a thing for Carmella. But nothing will come of it. That's OK then. They can go back to being friends, more than friends? You betcha. They're smooching. Whatever.

SCENE TWELVE - In Soviet Russia, The Credits Can't Believe They Haven't Got To YOU!!

I'm getting increasingly desperate now and this recap is beginning to feel increasingly like a slow, painful suicide.

Hoyland house. Toadie. Steph. Summer. Blah, blah, blah sacrificing happiness blah, blah, blah Gillard. Upshot: Summer's leaving. Just as soon as someone can drive her to the station. I'd volunteer but I'm writing this fracking recap.

SCENE THIRTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Neighbours hates YOU!!

This is beyond a joke now. We're back in the Timmins house. Loris is embarrassed for smooching a bit of local eye candy. Ginelle makes me feel a little better by insulting Ned Boringbelly. He might be, she says, easy on the eye, but he's also far too easy on the brain. She declares that she will restart the Cold War.

SCENE FOURTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Dylan and Elle want to kill YOU!!

This scene is ENTIRELY extraneous. It serves no purpose at all. Scarlet Bar. Elle still loves Dylan always will. Then they talk about tomorrow's meeting. Which isn't going to happen until TOMORROW. Why isn't this conversation in TOMORROW'S EPISODE? Or, better still, why don't they just show the meeting and not bother with MEANINGLESS CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT? Words cannot express my rage.

SCENE FIFTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Fifteen Scenes In A Twenty Minute Episode Cannot Understand Why There Is YOU!!

Surely to goodness, this must be the last scene. General Store. Lou Bear has left the building. Unfortunately, Harold and Loris are still there. She wants to apologise, but it's too late. Harold saw her with Ned Boringbelly and he doesn't want to compete with him.

That's the cliffhanger folks. All together:

Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours ...

Oh all right:

SCENE SIXTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Stupid Blog Wishes It Had Never Started YOU!!

Later. General Store. Mishka and Lou. Mishka's flowers did the trick and Lou seems to have been warned off Ginelle. Mishka has brought Lou a sausage from Omsk, which, apparently, is his favourite. But then, in an ingenious plot twist, a letter arrives from Ginelle / Igor. "I have friends in your country. Stay away from Mishka." It's accompanied by a bullet. Threatening. Amazingly, that wasn't the cliffhanger either because here's

SCENE SEVENTEEN - In Soviet Russia, Kidneys Need To Operate On YOU!!

Kinski home. Katya. Some doofus turns up, Katya recognises him and is not best pleased. His kidneys are diseased and he needs $10,000. He thinks that Katya should stump up the cash. Ned Boringbelly arrives and Katya shoves the blackmailer shoved into the shower out of the way. Katya fobs Ned off. The blackmailer reveals a DVD. Probably a blue movie from Katya's porn days or something. The wailing music of evil plays and

Credits. At last.