I signed up for one of those web counter things and got an email from it yesterday. Turns out no one has read my blog. At all. Just as I suspected. It's quite liberating actually, like shouting in an empty field. It doesn't matter what I say, or whether I'm being whimsical and amusing or tedious and imbecilic. Because no one - but no one! - is reading this. If I had any secrets I could declare them here with impunity.
If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If someone writes a blog about Neighbours and no one's there to read it, does it really exist? Given that this blog represents my thoughts, and my existence can only be proven by the reflection I cast in the minds of others, do I really exist? Or must I disappear in a puff of Cartesian logic? Whoa, man. Very Zen.
Actually, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but it doesn't bother me overmuch. You can find out why that is by rearranging the following eight words to make a sentence:
A. Hit. Count. This. Blog. Zero. Has. Of.
Ahhh. Anyway, as you can see, I've decided to face the issue of my lack of readers with cheerful insouciance.
In fact, here's a brand new section called
NEIGHBOURS IN THE NEWS
An occasional segment detailing when current headlines mirror events in Neighbours!
Here's what I wrote on 17th January:
"Mishka's Igor was planning to feed Lou to the pigs. "He'd have shopped me to the police?" wonders Lou quite reasonably. No. Apparently Igor's brother is a pig farmer. And Lou would have quite literally been fed to his pigs. Nice and not at all unbelievable."
Well - it looks like I'm going to have to eat my words. Vancouver pig farmer Robert Pickton is on trial for murdering six women (he's been linked with the disappearance of forty three others) and while the BBC is a little chary of providing details of what he allegedly did with the bodies, AOL News is less squeamish. There was a scene in Thomas Harris's Hannibal where the eponymous antihero is almost fed to some ravening swine. I wonder what Harris thinks about this particular case? Maybe he's all, like, "Wow - I can really get inside the mind of a psychopath." Must be unnerving.
*******
On to lighter subjects: Yesterday's Neighbours. The much-anticipated meeting of the shareholders of Lassiter's took place. Both parties sought to break the deadlock by getting hold of the mystery partner, whose 2% could swing the decision either way. Riveting television. All they had to go on to identify them was an email address - jelly_belly1938@yahoo.com. Hmm ...
I'm kidding. Despite my earlier prediction, I'm not sure the mystery Sleeping Partner is Harold. I just looked on Wikipedia to find out when Ian Smith was born to, you know, add credence to the email address and I discovered that Ian Smith and Tom Oliver (aka Lou Carpenter) were born within a week of each other. Huh. Also, according to the site, Smith was adopted because he was the child of an incestuous rape.
Back to Neighbours: The sought after 2% was made redundant when Dylan decamped to the Robinson side of the table, taking his 9% share with him.
Lou decided that he rather liked being pursued by two women and decided to play Mishka and Ginelle off against one another. He suggested he take them both out on a date and then made his decision. This backfired when Mishka told Ginelle that she shouldn't be worried about such trivial matters when her youngest son was a drunk. Ginelle felt very guilty about blowing Stingray off yesterday and was alarmed when she couldn't get hold of him.
Ned Boringbelly told Harold not to give up his pursuit of Loris.
Katya kept stealing cars. Every time she did it, or thought about doing it, she got an incredibly stupid, demoniacal expression on her face. Evidently she's Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac. She must have paid off the kidney-dialysis blackmailer because she was able to buy Ned a watch. He commented that he never expected to have anything in common with David Beckham. I guess David Beckham has that watch as well.
Susan left to visit Billy, who's expecting a baby. She didn't want to leave Karl, the kids and Katya Kinski the Kleptomaniac, but was eventually persuaded to go. It later transpired that what she was really worried about was not being able to have sex with Karl. Ew.
******
Neighbours - 25/01/2007
The Previouslys show Dylan and Stingray; Mishka and Ginelle (Gah! I thought we were done with this stupid competition Lou-Bear's running); Harold giving Stingray the 'responsibility' speech and the Baby Seller whispering to the Baby Cellar's bump.
I notice that the credits have been revamped. Looks like Max Hoyland's still in the show, so he's possibly not going to vanish without trace as Connor did. Ahem:
WHERE IS CONNOR???
Don't worry Connor, I won't let this rest until I see justice done. I won't forget you as Toadie, Ned, the scriptwriters, story editors and directors did.
Also the new characters from the House of Trouser are having a barbie in the credits. I hate them. You can't just bring in a whole raft of new characters at once and expect me just to accept them and to care about any storylines appertaining to them, particularly when you're going to be so ridiculously coy about revealing who some of them actually are. Grrr.
We start with Stingray holding a baby. It's obviously a dream, the camera's a little unsteady and unfocused. Sky's there as well without the fat-suit. Good. It means she's not touching or stroking her belly, which is how she seems to act 'pregnant'. It's Sky's dream: we see her troubled, sleeping visage. Enter Dr Karl. Sky wants to go and see Stingray, and Karl says she can do some light exercise. Teresa (damn! I accidentally learned the Baby Snatcher's name) continues to attempt to poison Sky against Stingray - "he's a hopeless drunk". She's like a spectacularly inept version of Iago. Or of Izzy Hoyland. Teresa wants to accompany Sky. Presumably in case the baby pops out when she's not around to steal it. This whole situation is absurd. Karl insists that she stays put. Sky leaves. Mishka pops her head around the door and Karl tells her he's very busy. He doesn't look it. Mishka tells him she is sick "with the longing". She says that Lou is ensnared by "that bogan". Karl clarifies for us that she means Ginelle. Karl informs her that there are no "magic potions" to make Lou love her. He's obviously forgotten about that sleeping draught that made him mistake Izzy for Susan. And then sleep with her. Perhaps Mishka could use some of that. Karl then forcibly escorts the Baby Seller to counselling.
Harold, Rachel and the Timminses (excepting Dylan and Stingray) are planning an intervention. Harold warns that the alcoholic Stingray is not "the same person" as the brother, son and boyfriend they knew. That's rather a Victorian view of alcoholism - very Jekyll and Hyde. The Timminses stiffen their upper lips and resolve to help Stingray. "He's a lucky young man to have you" observes Harold. He's not so lucky to have Dylan as a brother, however. Dylan doesn't want Stingray back. He has disavowed him and he's perfectly happy canoodling with Elle thank you very much. He hangs up on his mother with a sneer (Dylan sneers very well) and a noncommittal "I knew I shouldn't have answered it." Bree and Janae have a little warm-up intervention, rounding on their mother and telling her to stop using Lou. I don't think she's using him, but that seems to be the opinion of everyone in the episode, including Ginelle, so who am I to disagree? Anyway, Bree and Janae tell Ginelle that she is not the right woman for Lou.
Cut to Lou and Ginelle's date. Where do you suppose they are? Yep. It's the Scarlet Bar. Janae is sitting in the background looking awkward. She makes a screwed-up "hurry-up" face. She's not really cut out to be an extra. She has a succession of weird and wonderful expressions as she drinks her green drink, that detract from the action in the foreground. Ginelle puts it to Lou that he loves Mishka. Lou replies that Mishka "Hurt [him] in more ways than one." Yeah. She dumped him and then she pushed him down the stairs. Enter Stingray. He heads straight for the bar. I'm surprised he's got any money. Maybe he didn't spend all of the $100 he stole from Janae. Or maybe he still works there. Anyway, Janae intercepts him. That's why she was in the Scarlet Bar. I thought it was to check up on her Mum, which didn't seem very likely. Janae tells Stingray that "she's cool about the money." She wants to take him for a coffee at the General Store. Stingray still can't believe she's letting him get away Scott (boom, boom) free after he stole from her. She punches him on the arm to set his mind at rest. I give a grudging chuckle. Stingray insists that he doesn't have a problem.
Lassiter's. Sky is trying to get in to see Stingray. There's some dramatic irony here, see, because we know that Stingray is being taken to an intervention. The desk clerk says that "his" room phone is set to "do not disturb". I suspect that Sky and the clerk are at cross purposes. He's referring to Dylan and Elle's Room of Sex. Sky fakes a contraction in order to get the room number off of the guy. That ought to be terribly bad luck. Enter Mishka. Bizarrely, Sky seems pleased to see her. She fills Mishka in on the baby situation and Mishka offers her some sage advice including: "Not all stuff is of the bad. In the end we grow." What is that supposed to mean? Mishka has asked her airline for a transfer since Lou obviously prefers Ginelle. She calls Ginelle a bogan again. Well, I can see why he would prefer the bogan. Ginelle has never dumped him and then added injury to insult by pushing him down the stairs. Sky repeats throws Mishka's advice back at her: "Not all stuff is for the bad. In the end we grow." Maybe I'm tired, or insane, but that's starting to sound profound. I might adopt it as my motto.
Teresa is back from her counselling session. She's worried about Sky. Dr Karl tells her that he's moving her to a psychiatric ward. She pretends to be OK with that, but slips away when Karl's not looking.
Dylan and Elle in their Room of Sex. Pillow talk. Dylan tells Elle that she's the "most eligible babe this side of the black stump." She must be flattered. There's a knock on the door. Dylan thinks it's room service, but we all know it's Sky. They both leap out of bed, and then stand in front of the door snogging. Apparently they want to put on a bit of a show for the room service guy. Dylan opens the door. Lo and behold! it's Sky. Dylan seems sadistically pleased that she's seen him with Elle and Elle looks, well, puzzled and constipated. But I think she's gunning for 'mortified'. Sky looks horrified. She mumbles that she's looking for Stingray and Elle tells her she thinks that he's booked in under his grandmother's name. Isn't her name Timmins as well? Maybe she's reverted to her maiden name. Sky leaves. An upset Elle claims that Sky is her "best friend". I think that ship sailed when Elle pretended to be dying in order to steal Dylan away from Sky, but maybe Sky's more forgiving than I am. Dylan looks exuberant. Elle asks him if he feels guilty. Nope. Embarrassed? Nope. Regretful? Nope. She's very slowly running the gamut of negative emotion. This guessing game could take some time. Next step: Slightly discomfited? Nope. Puzzled and constipated? We leave them to sort out exactly how Dylan's feeling. I'd plump for 'grimly satisfied'. It'll take a while for Elle to guess that one.
Stingray's Intervention. Stingray looks like a zombie. He's disengaged his emotions. Harold's jowls are trembling with concern. Everyone evinces concern for him. We're then treated to 'Stingray-Vision' and see that he thinks that he's being persecuted and harangued.
Park. Sky is upset. She starts to have contractions. I told her it was bad luck to cry wolf in Lassiter's like that. Enter Teresa. She yells for an ambulance. She's upset that Sky has risked the baby's health by so inconsiderately going into labour. Quick aside: Many of Dickens' novels operate by having what might be described as a 'Centre of Evil' - a character so remorselessly wicked, that his or her only motivation is malfeasance and whose personality can only be defined by their devilishness. In Little Dorrit there's Blandois/Rigaud, in Oliver Twist there's Bill Sykes, in David Copperfield Uriah Heep and so on. This character serves as a foil for the others and helps to present an illusion of moral relativism. Compared to Bill Sykes, Fagin begins to look like a rounded character. The same thing happens in Neighbours. Teresa is a purely evil and exists in the show only to move the plot forward and to make the other characters seem more like human beings. Gus and Robert Robinson did much the same thing. If a character hangs around long enough the edges are softened. Izzy and even the mighty Paul Robinson have played 'Centre of Evil'. Once they've been in the show for the requisite amount of time, their motives become dictated by other forces than garnering our hatred. Occasionally they act for the good, and occasionally for the bad, and that passes for complexity of character.
Twing-twang, music of sadness and uncertainty and we're in the Scarlet Bar. Mishka and Lou. Mishka is leaving because of the "bogan". Huh. That's the third time she's called Ginelle a bogan and gone unchallenged. I detect a nasty undercurrent of class prejudice in Ramsay Street. Actually, I don't really know what 'bogan' means, but from its context in the show, it seems to be pejorative. Dictionary.com is no help on the subject. Mishka decides to give Lou a "piece of [her] brain" and confronts him about his relationship with Ginelle. Lou tells her that they ended it. Mishka doesn't believe him - she saw them hugging. Lou assures her that it was just a goodbye hug between friends. "Harold is your friend," says Mishka astutely, "you say goodbye to Harold like this?" Lou looks flustered. He's so deep in the closet that he's taking tea with Mr Tumnus. Mishka and Lou proceed to demonstrate on one another how they interpret the hug until they reach a point where they're basically having sex in the Scarlet Bar. I guess that means they're back together.
Back at Stingray's Intervention. Stingray rounds on his perceived accusers one by one. Harold calls him "son" and Stingray sharply reminds him that he doesn't have a son. Harsh. David wasn't much of a son, but Harold was still pretty cut up when he died in that plane crash. Harold answers his mobile phone as Stingray jeers at him. He rushes off. He's been told that Sky has gone into labour. Stingray wants to be present at the birth, but the wounded Harold will not permit him to go near his granddaughter. Exit Harold. Stingray has vitriol to spare, accusing Janae of being a slut, Rachel of deserting him and Ginelle of being a terrible mother. Bree is singled out because she's not his real sister. Wow. That was actually some good acting from Stingray. His family seem to have put him under house arrest. Doesn't that constitute kidnap? Ginelle tells him she'll call the police if he tries to get out. Why? He hasn't broken the law. Except by stealing that $100 from Janae, but she wouldn't press charges.
Hospital. Sky is in labour. Harold, Lou and Mishka in attendance. "You think you have problems," says Mishka in an inappropriate attempt at levity, "Lou Bear has me for girlfriend again! Hold onto your kittens!" Shut up Mishka, you self-involved goon. And you mean 'hold onto your horses'. Gah. The Baby Seller muscles her way into the room and screams abuse at Sky for putting the baby at risk. She is forcibly evicted.
Intervention. All the doors are locked, and Stingray is not even allowed to get water. He eyes up some keys on a shelf. He apologises to his mother. Possibly he calls himself a spigging huffter. That would be in character. He tells his mother that he doesn't hate her, but "hated seeing [himself] through [her] eyes." He is being disingenuous, because when no one is looking he takes the keys. He goes out into the kitchen. The kitchen door is locked, opines Ginelle, there's no way out. Rachel decides to leave and goes to say goodbye to Stingray. Shock horror! He's gone and the door's wide open. They're a bunch of idiots.
Credits.
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