Neighbours, Neighbours

My hit count has skyrocketed from zero up into the tens! and someone called Nosey Rosie has actually, for real, commented on my blog, so I feel I ought to explain myself to those of you who don't actually know me. Make this a jumping on point for new readers and all that.

Ha ha, funny story: On my profile on a popular photo-sharing website I listed Susan's vitriolic "Go home, Karl!" as one of my all-time favourite quotations. This was mainly because my other choices were very pretentious, and I wanted to seem a bit more fun and rounded. The inclusion of this quotation delighted my brother (who introduced me to Neighbours in the first place) who shouted "GO HOME KARL!" at me on my messageboard. I responded to him by giving him a short recap of what happened in that day's episode (Susan had told Karl to shut up and pushed him over) because he doesn't have a television. One of my friends saw this post and said "Mike, can I sign up for your Neighbours recap please?" and I thought the idea that I had a Neighbours recap was amusing. (Oh how naive I was! Little did I suspect that it would become a living death!) I had this blog that I'd set up but didn't know what to do with and so wrote a long and pernickity account of what had happened in that day's Neighbours and sent the link to my friend.

Ahem. I think that sounds convincing.

Rosie tells me that the Birmingham University Neighbours Appreciation Society is indebted to me. While I'm pleased to learn that there is such a society, I'm a little worried that I might be misinterpreted: I know how students are prone to knowing irony. So let me clarify: This isn’t postmodern, this isn’t irony. I'm in earnest. I'm not laughing until cry, I'm laughing lest I cry and that's a different thing entirely.

Hmm ... If I say that something is not postmodern then does it become, ipso facto, postpostmodern? Probably not.

Enough! here's Neighbours 29/01/2007.

I was wrong when I predicted a lull after the fierce melee of Friday's plot developments. This is the best episode I've recapped so far. The Previouslys ratchet up the tension with a thrilling, thumping bass and synthesised beat underlying them. They're like Friday's episode, only punchier and without the excoriatingly dull 'what'll Will and Rosetta do on their second date?' subplot. We see Teresa and Carmella and the pot of boiling water; Sky and newborn Kerry in the smoke; Carmella being carried to the hospital by Will; Stingray entering the hospital; Sky discovering that her baby is missing. Yesterday, I said she was wheeled into the room, but now I can see that she quite definitely walked in on her own. In other words, I imagined a wheelchair. Weird.

This episode is called 'Babe Runner'. I guess it's a punning reference to Ridley Scott's 1982 film Blade Runner only instead of being a grimy tale of simulants and assassins and existential uncertainty, it's about a stolen baby. So it only really works on the one level, and not very well at that: At no point do we see the baby running, nor anyone running with the baby. The 'runner' part of the title is, then, entirely redundant.

Hospital. Sky, Karl and Harold. "We will find [Kerry]," insists Karl. Neither Sky nor I are convinced. Sky avers that Teresa has stolen her baby. I think she's wrong there - I still think it was Stingray. I think she's a red herring - too obvious. Karl also thinks Sky's wrong, but not for the same reason as me. "Teresa's still in the psych ward," he says patronisingly, based on no evidence at all. He's certain that Kerry will turn up somewhere. I think he thinks they've just misplaced the remote control or something, because he's very blase about the whole business. If Kerry's safe and sound elsewhere in the hospital, asks an astute Sky, "then why is her crib in here?" She's got Karl there. Harold gives Sky a big hug.

We're still in the hospital. The Corleone sisters are here and so is Will. Carmella is lying in bed, with bandages stuck over half her face. Looks like Teresa was a pretty poor shot with the boiling water. Carmella doesn't appear to have been blinded - she's lucky. "You've been burned," obviouses Rosetta. I think she knows, Rosetta. She was there. Carmella is anxious to find Teresa. She tells Will and Rosetta that Teresa wants Sky's baby. Why would she hurt a baby? wonders Rosetta. Not hurt, replies Carmella emphatically, steal. Oh! I see! She's not a baby hurter. She's a baby stealer. Rosetta won't let her sister get out of bed, so they reach an ingenious compromise, whereby Will goes and checks to see if the baby's been stolen or not and Carmella stays put. Carmella is grateful. Will's got so much substance and depth! What a guy. After he's gone, Rosetta gently insists that Teresa wouldn't do anything so egregious as stealing a baby. Her reasoning? One summer, she volunteered at an animal shelter. As a lawyer, she should know that the argument "no one who likes animals can be bad!" doesn't really hold water. Hitler was a great dog lover. Perhaps, if he hadn't killed himself, he could have used that defence at Nuremburg.

Timmins house. Rachel and Bree. They exposition at each other about the missing baby and Stingray's disappearance for a while, for those people who weren't paying attention during the Previouslys. Trying to lighten the mood and, perhaps, as a totemic gesture towards her recovery, Bree says aloud the baby's name: "Kerry Mangel." She would, she opines, never name her baby 'Janelle'. You might, Bree, if, heaven forfend, Janelle was shot by duck shooters. Bree then muses that she must be jinxed. "Another mix-up at the hospital." She's referring, of course, to the circumstances of her own birth. She's a changeling child. The real Bree is a blind girl named Anne. I'm not sure what became of that storyline.

Hospital. Harold and Janelle. Apparently, Janae's in the waiting room. A bit of a flimsy excuse as to why she's not in this episode when she was in Friday's, but I'm feeling magnanimous so I'll let it slide. Enter Dr Karl. "The last time Dr Kerensky saw Kerry she was in her crib waiting for Sky." Is it hospital policy to leave a premature newborn alone? Fire or no fire, it seems that Erinsborough Hospital has been rather lackadaisical. There should be some very serious questions asked in the Australian Parliament. "The police," explains Karl, "are widening their search beyond the hospital." I'm glad someone has actually called the police, I've seen no evidence of them so far. Enter Will. He's surprised to learn that Kerry has indeed disappeared. "You'd better come with me," he says, full of self-importance.

Carmella's room. Everyone is crowded in there and ... oh no ... Steiger's on the case. Steiger is the world's worst policeman. Remember that time when he was investigating Boyd for that murder and then spent the entire episode playing a fruitless game of good cop/bad cop, quoting Chinatown and repeatedly taking his sunglasses (or, if you prefer, his Specs of Suspicion) off and putting them back on? Or that time when he set up a sting operation, where he didn't secure the perimeter and Paul Robinson (who, incidentally, should have been questioned about the Lassiter's murder, since he was the one who committed it) ended up getting shot? All right, he was wearing a flak jacket, but, to paraphrase Dumb and Dumber, what if Robert had shot him in the face?

Steiger listens to Carmella's description of Teresa and then says that he'll issue a Karloff. "What?" say Will and I simultaneously. JINX! Now he's not allowed to talk until someone says his name. Since, you know, he's not a real person I'll have to enforce this by judicious use of the mute button. Steiger explains that 'Karloff' means "Keep a look out for." Sounds a bit of an inadequate response to me. Even if he's not convinced that she took the baby, she's absconded from the psych ward, she's guilty at least of Actual or Grievous Bodily Harm and she ought to be the prime suspect for starting the fire. Surely he should issue a warrant for her arrest and not a polite request to his officers to "keep an eye out for her, if they're not too busy". And, crucially, he doesn't actually issue his Karloff immediately, choosing instead to stand uselessly in Carmella's room.

Karl Kennedy is so wise! "I certainly wouldn't have put [Sky and Teresa] in the same room if he'd known her psychology," he says sagely. That's good to know Karl! You moron. He's trying to sound authoritative, but, since it's the most useless and obvious thing he could possibly have said, he comes off sounding lame and as if he's trying to absolve himself of any culpability for the situation. While Karl tries to cover his arse, Janelle is playing the blame game. She points a finger squarely at Carmella. It's guilt by association, because this is the sort of thing that "mob families do" and thereafter they "close ranks". She tells Carmella that the "Timmins family is a force to be reckoned with." Steiger steps in. Shouldn't he be issuing his Karloff? Or, better still, he could actually help to look for the baby. "You've just made a blatant threat in front of a senior police officer," he tells Janelle. It wasn't that blatant a threat. I don't think he really knows what he's talking about.

Bree and Rachel are out searching for Stingray, I think they've printed flyers, but I couldn't really get a good look at what they're holding. They see Teresa, and resolve to approach her. Possibly she's seen Stingray? Steiger's also seen her from his patrol car. Maybe he's a better cop than I give him credit for. Teresa has a pushchair. Perhaps she does have the baby after all and Stingray was the red herring. Steiger walks up to her. She must be Teresa Corleone? Why, yes she is officer. The camera moves around and we see the pushchair is empty and that Teresa has been cooing over thin air. A nice little bit of misdirection there. No, really. They had me going there for a second. Normally, by this point in an episode, I'm about ready to snap my notebook shut and then beat someone to death with it, but remarkably I'm still engaged today, and genuinely curious and concerned about what's happened to little Kerry. Who'd have thunk it?

Hospital. Harold and Sky. Sky is sobbing, and Harold looks concerned. "Sweetheart," he says tenderly, "even if you're right and Teresa has taken the baby, she wouldn't hurt it." Some solid reasoning. Sky is cheered by the thought that Kerry is being cared for. I haven't the heart to point out that, given her modus operandi where babies are concerned, Teresa might well have sold her by now. There was something quite touching about that scene. Two lonely, battered souls cleaving together across the generations in a time of crisis. Where's Joe Mangel, by the way? You'd think that he'd be interested in the birth of his grandchild. I don't think he's even been mentioned for a while.

Teresa's being interviewed by Steiger. "I told you," she says, "I don't know where my baby is." Steiger sighs. "Are you certain you want to waive your right to have your lawyer present?" he asks. If she's already waived her right to have her lawyer present, then so be it. Just get on with doing your job, Steiger. He's worrying about securing a conviction, when finding the missing baby should be his top priority. "You should be out there looking!" says Teresa. My sentiments exactly. Steiger reminds her that she's guilty of a serious assault. I would have thought it constituted GBH. Enter an extra in police uniform. He and his colleagues have just been looking at the security footage from the hospital and it looks like they have another suspect.

Steiger and Janelle. Steiger tells Janelle that there's another suspect. It's "[Janelle's] beloved youngest son. The reason I get out of bed in the morning." What are you blathering about, Steiger? Janelle insists that she hasn't even seen Stingray. It's irrelevant in any case because they worked out "yonks ago" that it was Teresa. What is a 'yonk' exactly? I have a vague recollection that it relates to "donkey's year". Now, I would suggest that the timeframe of this episode is short. Aristotle would have approved. It was night when the hospital went up in flames and, seemingly, the sun was up when this episode started. Kerry was taken for tests before being left alone in Sky's new room in the undamaged wing of the hospital. Since there was nothing wrong with her, I'm going to guesstimate that that process took no more than two hours. It seems logical that Kerry must have been taken from the new room, because the nurse would hardly have carried an empty crib in there. I think we can safely assume that Kerry wasn't long missing before her disappearance was discovered. That means that Kerry was born two or three hours before dawn, and was kidnapped at dawn or shortly thereafter.

This episode, number 5088, aired in Australia on 1st November 2006. Now, in Melbourne, the Sun rose at 6.13am on this date. After laying the fire, Teresa must have gone to the room where Sky was giving birth, been unable to gain ingress and so left disappointed. This would have been circa 4.ooam. Alternatively, she might have gone to the room she and Sky had shared and found it empty. Either way, she would have had ample time to get changed, find a pushchair and wander the streets of Erinsborough, eventually to be discovered and picked up by Steiger, a couple of hours after he was informed of the disappearance. Let's say the absence of baby Kerry was noticed at 7.00am and he was called in an hour or so later. So, when she was spotted by Bree and Rachel with her pushchair, it was around 10.00am.

Janae saw Stingray slip into the hospital just before the birth (say, 3.45am) and, if he is indeed the culprit, he must have lurked around inside for almost three hours until presented with the opportunity to snatch Kerry from the empty room. Perhaps, he and Teresa passed each other in the corridor. He was almost certainly drunk, so maybe he became disoriented amid all the confusion, found his way to the safe part of the hospital and fell asleep there, to be woken by the sight of his baby, unattended in Sky's new room. He snatched the baby and staggered out at around 6.30am. Really, this detective work shouldn't be down to me. It's what Steiger's paid for, after all. In short, it seems unlikely that a day (let alone a single, solitary yonk) has passed since the disappearance, and Janelle cannot have worked out that Teresa was the culprit more than a few hours ago. Her use of the word 'yonk' is, therefore, inappropriate.

Janelle asserts that Stingray hasn't even been anywhere near the hospital. "Yes he has," says Karl. Ooh! He made me jump - how long has he been lurking there? "Why would [Stingray] steal his own baby?" asks a distraught Janelle. "It makes no sense." "Well," intones Steiger, "not much that has happened in the last twenty-four hours has." He can say that again. In fact he could extend it to the "last twenty-four years." Imagine the round robins that Neighbours characters must send out at Christmas:

"Hey all, 2006 has been a hectic year. Kimbo came back and then became involved
in a DVD piracy racket, so had to leave me at the altar with the cops hard on
his heels! Janae got hitched to Boyd, even though she's legally a minor and so
had to lie about her age. Lyn (who's been so kind to us) lost her house when the
baby-belt she'd co-financed went belly-up, but then Loris showed up and bought
the house for us! We all thought that Dylan was going to be a father when Sky
fell preggers, but then it turned out that it was Scottie's baby! Scottie and
Dyl had a big blue and now won't speak to each other and then Scottie pinched
the little Sheila from the hospo! Merry chuffing Chrimbo."

It's absurd.

Bree and Rachel are still looking for Stingray. Bree's showing his picture to some blonde girl and telling her how tall he is. Apparently, he's a good two inches shorter than she is. Next time they're in shot together, I'll check it out. She says he's "droopy looking". Rachel calls Bree over to her. She's found Stingray in a bush. He's clasping something to his chest. What is it? Thank goodness! It's a teddy bear, and not a dead baby.

Rosetta is talking to Will. I can't hear his side of the conversation, because he's still jinxed from earlier. She tells him that Carmella will be fine - there's all sorts of different surgery for burns these days. "You must think that our family's crazy - stealing babies and scalding each other!" she laughs. It's a bit soon to be cracking jokes, Rosetta. She explains that her father is in prison, and was involved in underground business dealings.

Harold and Sky. Harold tells Sky that "every baby is born with a Guardian Angel and our little Kerry is no different." He must be thinking of Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. Sky accepts the fanciful premise. "Maybe her Guardian Angel is Mum," she says. Harold thinks so too. "I did feel her presence in the room." They're getting very mystical and weird and Star Wars. I suppose they're stressed and have been up for ages, so I'll forgive them. Harold resolves to pray for Kerry to be found safe and well. Enter Stingray. Harold is not best pleased to see him, but Sky is more welcoming. Stingray announces that he's had a wake-up call. "So you keep saying," sniffs the sceptical Harold. For someone who was talking about Guardian Angels just now, he's suddenly very grounded. Enter Janelle. She tells Stingray to run. Enter Steiger. "Thanks for the announcement, I heard it right down the corridor." There's no way he was any significant distance away. He seemed hard on Janelle's heels, so was almost certainly standing right behind her. "Don't talk to them until I've talked to Toadie!" she calls to Stingray as he's frogmarched away. I don't know why they insist on using Toadie as a lawyer. He managed to get Steph convicted of murder on the basis of 'pillow fibres in the lungs' which is plainly nonsense. Everyone sleeps on pillows. He's a terrible, terrible lawyer.

Steiger's interviewing Stingray and, for some reason, Janelle's there too. Thankfully, there's no sign of Toadie. Janelle says there's no way that Stingray would do such a thing, but Stingray can neither confirm nor deny. He's having an alcoholic blackout. Steiger says that some of the CCTV footage is obscured by smoke. It shouldn't be. Surely, baby Kerry was taken from the undamaged wing of the hospital. "You stole your baby in a drunken stupor!" shouts Steiger. He doesn't gain anything by so doing.

Custody Cell. Teresa and Rosetta. Rosetta is being all lawyerly. Now that there are two lawyers on the street, I wonder how the cases will be divvied up. Maybe Rosetta will get them all, and Toadie will become a professional wrestler. "You've been downgraded from suspect to 'person of interest' in the baby case," Rosetta tells her cousin. Huh? She advises that Teresa will need a lawyer for the charge of arson and of assault. If that was an attempt to drum up some business, it hasn't worked. Teresa doesn't trust Rosetta as far as she could throw her. "I don't have to have a lawyer," she says smugly. True. She finishes off the scene by telling Rosetta about Carmella's part in "killing [her] baby." Rosetta looks shocked and appalled.

The bush where Stingray was discovered. Steiger's gesticulating wildly and cops are rushing off to where he's pointed. I'm not sure what he expects of them. I think it was all about appearing powerful and in control. "Think," Steiger says sternly, "your baby's safety depends on it." Stingray looks lost. "Did you go to the bottleshop?" They check Stingray's pockets for receipts. Something falls to the ground. It's an ankle tag, bearing the legend "Baby Mangel, Mother Sky." This does not look good for Stingray.

Hospital. Harold and Sky. Harold is praying. "Don't you think, after the bad luck our family's had, that praying might do more harm than good?" Come, come Sky, your family's not had that much bad luck. Apart from Kerry being shot by duck shooters. And Madge dying. And Harold being washed out to Sea and then turning up years later playing the tuba with seaweed in his hair and amnesia. And Harold's stroke, which turned him into Evil Harold for a while. And that plane crash which killed David, Lilyana and Serena but no one else. And your baby being stolen. Some people don't know how good they have it. Harold doesn't know what to say to that. Enter Janelle. "Janelle!" says Sky. Janelle is pretty upset. The tinkling piano of 'pretty upset' plays. Sky won't hear any ill of Stingray, but "ever since Scottie and Dylan had their blue, Scottie's just been a ghost. Just not himself. There was something brewing." "Not this," says Sky. Janelle: "They found Kerry's bracelet on him." "I will not believe what the evidence says!" Sky's hamming it up a bit. "I know in my heart and soul that there must be some explanation." "Do you know what my heart's telling me?" asks Janelle. I hope she doesn't tell us. "That Kerry is safe and well somewhere." Doesn't seem very likely. Sky: "I've been feeling that too. Her energy. It's all through me. It's all around me." Oh come on! "Or maybe it's just wishful thinking." You think?? "Or maybe," says Janelle with undeserved confidence, "it's just mother's intuition." If this scene wasn't so stupid, you could read it allegorically. Sky rejects Harold's religious consolations in favour of Janelle's more primitive earth-mother shtick. Whatever. Janelle and Sky have what I can only describe as a 'face hug' and we segue to

somewhere mysterious. There's little Kerry swaddled in a pink blanket with white teddy bear faces on it. It says "Erinsborough Hospital Linen Service" on it, so we can be sure it's her and not some other baby. A male hand reaches down and touches the blanket. Whose is it?

The credits roll.

My guess? It's Dylan. Anyone else would have called the police. He's the only one who would have conflicted emotions upon finding the baby in the arms of the comatose Stingray. Of course, it could be someone who just bought the baby off eBay. I've got the next two episodes recorded, so I'll try and get up to date tomorrow.