Yet More Neighbours

Sorry for the delay in posting this - I've only just now got around to watching Friday's Neighbours. I kept on finding better, more interesting things to do. Which is quite heartening really.

In recompense for my tardiness, I'll put a bit more effort into today's entry.

Which can only mean one thing: Saints be praised! I've painstakingly created another

So Good Image

I call this one 'The Reckoning' and it's set ten months in the future.

Susan Kinski is out walking in the park in her purple shoes and khaki top. "I wish I hadn't worn these bell-bottomed trousers which are exactly the same colour as the grass," she thinks.

Suddenly, she comes upon Izzy Hoyland, who's wearing a fetching straw boater, navy blue blouse, tie-died black and white skirt, lime green tights and brown shoes. You wouldn't think that anybody could pull off that ensemble, but Izzy can. She's pushing a peculiar looking pram and peeping out of it is Karl Junior, who, like all babies, has exactly the same face as his father.

"Hello, Susan," says Izzy with a frozen grin. Susan is dumbfounded, Karl Junior giggles and two curiously menacing kangaroos from the nearby billabong stare on in silence.

Would you believe, I don't have any photoshopping software, so I produce these SO GOOD IMAGES using only MS Paint?

Huh. I just had a weird sensation. Do you ever wonder if you're becoming a parody of yourself?

On to Neighbours 26/01/2007.

The Previouslys: Carmella and Will picnicking; Stingray's escape from his inept captors; Rosetta and Will; Teresa raging at Sky before being escorted from the room. I'm reasonably interested in the birth of Sky's baby, but not at all interested in the newbies from the House of Trouser, so the Previouslys provoke mixed feelings in me.

Hospital. Sky is worrying. Teresa's lunatic ravings obviously affected her. She thinks that her eating disorder might have negatively impacted on the baby. Jelly Belly and Karl reassure her. Karl tells her they're going to try and stop the labour. I think Sam Beckett did that in one episode of Quantum Leap by getting the mother drunk. Ziggy said that he'd saved both mother and child by doing that. Then he leaped. "The most important thing," says Karl in an odd, growly voice, "is that you stay relaxed." I can't really set down in words just how very patronising that was. Sky seems to be OK with it though. Outside the door, Karl says to a nurse that he'll ready the paediatric ICU. I'd love to see a Quantum Leap / Neighbours crossover show. It would be rubbishly good.

Stingray staggers into a playground with a whisky bottle in a brown paper bag. It's not much of a playground, just a couple of rusty swings like you might have in your garden. He sits down and checks his phone. Ooh! He has a message. He opens it. His phone works differently to mine, because it tells him about missed calls, voice mail and text messages on the same page. He has a missed call and voicemail and a text message from Sky. I bet the text message says "hey stinger,havin ur baby pls cum 2 hospital". He doesn't read it though, preferring to listen to the voicemail instead. Sky's loving, forgiving message provokes a crisis of conscience. I'm still impressed with Stingray's acting, so it wasn't just a one-time thing on Thursday. There's a generic 'song of sadness' playing on the backing track. Some vowelly, indistinct female voice is singing about "Little of nowhere / Finally you can break" or something. Whatever happened to that song that went "Don't look back / Nothing's ever easy / If you stay on track ..."? They used to play that all the time and now they never play it.

Hospital. Three generations of Timmins women are in the waiting room - namely Janae, Janelle and Loris. Janelle is badmouthing Stingray for running away from their ridiculous 'house arrest'/kidnapping style of intervention. Loris sticks up for him. "Stop sticking up for him!" snaps Janelle. "Basically," she says, "he's inherited all his dad's worst qualities and added alcohol. Not a good combo." Shut up, Janelle, you idiot. Harold comes in. He tells them that the inhibiter drug seems to have quieted the contractions.

House of Trouser. Rosetta is voiceovering. She's writing a journal about how she feels about Will. I really don't care. I still resent the fact that these new characters have just been thrust upon us on the flimsiest of pretexts. Where's Toadie going to live? The House of Trouser belongs to him. And what if Connor hasn't been murdered and manages to find his way back to Erinsborough? He'll be furious to find these characterless pretty boys and girls taking up house room. Enter Will and Carmella. "Still working?" asks Carmella breezily. Rosetta says that she is. She's hidden her journal. Carmella picks up a trashy romantic novel and reads from it. Since Rosetta disavows it, Carmella surmises that it must belong to Poo Poo Stinker. Carmella reads the book aloud scoffingly then manoeuvres the prose around so that she's talking about her date with Will and what his plans for their second is. "That last part isn't in there!" says Rosetta hotly, "I mean, I would imagine." Aha! So it's Rosetta's book. That's the sort of hilarious slip-up that would really happen in real life. I wish we were back in the hospital where the plot is actually moving forward for once and not in the House of Trouser arseing around with character development. I couldn't give a monkey's who likes to read Mills and Boon nor what Rosetta and Will will do on their second date. Will says it's Carmella's turn to think of something, by the way. Will leaves and Carmella begs her sister to help her plan the date. That's going to be hard on Rosetta considering that she has feelings for ... I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE TRIVIAL PEOPLE AND THEIR TRIVIAL PROBLEMS. SKY'S HAVING A BABY AND STINGRAY IS AN ALCOHOLIC!!!

Phew. That feels better. Rosetta, perfectly reasonably, points out that Carmella has been on dates before so should be able to fend for herself. No, whinges Carmella, this is different. The guys always organised them. "Yeah, but you went on them. So you still know what they were like. What are you? Some kind of moron?" is what Rosetta should say but doesn't. Apparently, the last date that Carmella went on was to take Father Patrick to the nursing home. "Sounds fun," says Rosetta, "does he have a brother?" No, silly, Father Patrick is eighty-two, says Carmella who is impossibly dim. I don't think that she was seriously enquiring, Carmella. I think it was a joke.

Huzzah! We're back at the hospital. Karl is listening to the bump. He assures Sky that it is "going well". Sky hopes he isn't lying. Karl tells Harold that the baby's heartbeat is a little faster than he'd like, and that Sky is still having contractions. He tells him to keep the Timminses away because Sky ought to remain as calm as possible. Harold takes a deep breath and goes in to see Sky. Sky "wishes Mum were here." Harold gives her a pitying smile. "Do you reckon she's around?" 'No, Sky,' I say gently, 'she was shot by duck shooters. Don't you remember?' Harold disagrees. He is certain that Kerry is there. Oh no! Sky thinks her water just broke. There's no stopping the birth now.

Be still my bile and spleen, we're back with the Corleone sisters. Carmella says "I could hire a plane" and Rosetta says, quite rightly, "that would be over the top" for a second date. I wonder how long they've been talking about this date. It's not difficult: People have been organising and going on second dates since prehistory. I know because I saw an episode of Cave Girl once. "A walk on the beach?" is, according to Rosetta, too cliche. Maybe she could dress up in that kinky nurse's outfit she bought to entice Ned Boringbelly away from Katya. Carmella suggests "dinner somewhere exotic" but Rosetta smugly asserts that this could cause gastroenteritis. Oh come on! If you're going to be that fussy, then going across the street is out because you might be hit by a car! Especially if you happen to look like someone evil and Max Hoyland is around. Carmella is frustrated by her sister as well, because she plaintively yelps "Rosie!" It doesn't really matter if she just does something ordinary for her date. It's all about who you're with rather than where you are. There's nothing new under the sun and, as a Neighbours character, you'd think she'd be painfully aware of that.

According to Rosetta, the date needs to be something "Simple but not boring, imaginative but not extravagant. It's the little things that matter to someone of Will's substance and depth." Hang on a second! Nice try Mr Scriptwriter, but you can't give an uninteresting, uncharismatic character substance and depth by having someone describe them as having 'substance and depth'. I've hardly met this Will-character nor have I seen him do anything of significance. I'll decide whether or not he has 'substance and depth' thank you very much. Will loved the Ravioli that Rosetta made him so Carmella hits on "taking him to Italy" by means of cooking him dinner. I'm not sure how this fits the criteria that Rosetta laid down, but I think I'm supposed to think it's a great idea.

Carmella will make Will a meal like "Nonna used to make." Yes, snarks Rosetta, but "Nonna could cook." This backfires spectacularly as Carmella wheedles and inveigles Rosetta into helping her cook. Enter Will. For no reason whatsoever, he's carrying Bob. Can't Bob walk? Carmella tells him he's in for a real treat on the surprise date.

Hospital waiting room. We can hear Sky's inhuman wailing through the door. Everything is going well, Sky's baby might be premature, but it is very strong. Janelle and Loris reminisce about the pains of giving birth. Loris says giving birth is like trying "to shove a camel through the eye of a needle." This is a reference to Matthew 19:24. I wonder if there is an implicit criticism of Loris's extreme wealth here, since she is unwittingly talking not only about giving birth, but also about her own chances of getting into Heaven. Deep. Sky is having a difficult time of it. Her wailing isn't particularly convincing though. Jelly Belly offers her a bag of wheatgerm and she hurls it out of the door, narrowly missing Janelle, who takes the hint and absents herself. I'm not sure what good Jelly Belly thought the wheatgerm bag would do, but, bless him, he's trying to help.

Rosetta is writing about love in her stupid journal again. She says so in voiceover in pretty much exactly those words. Even she thinks it's ludicrous. Enter Will. He's a man of such substance and depth. He says that Don Corleone must have had a hard time of it with two such pretty daughters ... because ... er ... he must have had to beat off all the boys with a stick. Rosetta smiles wistfully. Carmella was always the wild one. She [Rosetta] worked hard. But surely, says Will, a beautiful girl like Rosetta must have had some fun at Uni? Let it drop, Will, you fool. I'm starting to think that you are possessed of neither substance nor depth. Rosetta came top of her class, she tells him. Will just can't let it go. He's a clodhopping arse. Next, he says grinning like a buffoon, she'll be telling him that she's never had a boyfriend. Rosetta looks embarrassed and flustered. Oh well done, Will. Bravo. Imbecile.

Hospital. Sky is stoned. The "pain relief is kicking in" opines Karl. I guess she decided to give up on her idea of having an entirely natural birth. Either that or Karl or one of the nurses got tired of her ridiculous banshee-like screaming. Janelle comes in, Sky looks pleased to see her, but that's probably just the drugs. "Nearly got me there," she says passing Sky the wheatgerm bag. Thank goodness! I don't think anyone could manage a difficult birth without a precious, precious wheatgerm bag. Janelle apologises for being so mean and for Stingray. Sky waves the unpleasantness away and insists that she "just wants to make [her] baby." Huh. Making babies is a euphemism for sex. I've never heard it in the context of giving birth before. Sky has another contraction. I can tell because she's screaming like an air-raid siren again.

Ext. House of Trouser. Carmella is fretting about the finishing stages of her dinner. She doesn't know what sautee means and an exasperated Rosetta yells that it means "FRY!" I'm glad we were spared the earlier stages of the cooking, it would have been a comedy of errors with Rosetta saying things like "dice the carrots" and Carmella not knowing what "dice" meant and then Rosetta screaming "CHOP!" Might have got tedious after a while. Here's Will. He wants Rosetta to give him a lift to the Scarlet Bar. Why can't he walk like everyone else does? Since I was told that he had substance and depth, I've been trying to ascertain his character traits. So far, I've come up with 'negligently unobservant' and 'lazy'. Rosetta and Will leave in Rosetta's car. Carmella spots Teresa dressed as a nurse across the street. She gives chase. Teresa is inside, chewing on the scenery. She expresses her intention to steal Sky's baby, "my baby inside her" and she's practically foaming at the mouth. She makes Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs look like he's underacting. Carmella stands in her way. There's a shot of some water boiling in a pan and then we're outside again and we hear someone scream. Cripes, did she throw the boiling water over Carmella? That will rather spoil this date that she's spent so long planning.

Hospital. Karl's being all doctorly. Enter Stingray. Karl refuses to let him see Sky until he's sober and summons security. He gives Stingray a "straighten out and fly right" speech. Shut up, Karl. He's not really in a position to judge. He's a functioning alcoholic. I remember that storyline even if the writers don't.

Sky's whingeing. I don't know what her problem is: She's got that wheatgerm bag, what more could she possibly want? She's surrounded by Timminses. The midwife says that everyone who's not on the support list must leave. Exit Timminses. I wonder if that gambit would get rid of them in other circumstances. Every time they're in a scene someone could come on and say "Excuse me, but could everyone who's not on the support list please leave" and they'd just shuffle resignedly away. Could be very useful.

The Baby Seller is in da house! "Whoa, whoaoaao, twing, twang," goes the electric keyboard of PURE EVIL.

Ext. Street. Will with flowers. He rings the doorbell. No answer. "Is this some sort of joke?" he wonders. Think about it, Will. Are you laughing? No. Then it's not a joke is it? I add 'low IQ' to my list of Will's character attributes. "Some surprise," he says with bitter, bitter irony. Yes, that's right, Will. Carmella's doing this deliberately. To hurt you. You big baby. 'Tendency to leap to conclusions and think the worst of people' is going on the list as well. Deep and substantial? Not even close.

Hospital. The Baby Seller sets fire to someone's desk. This is a hospital. People will die because of this. But all she cares about is stealing Sky's baby and then, more than likely given her MO, selling it.

House of Trouser. Carmella is prostrate on the kitchen floor. Bob is licking her face. That will probably help to soothe the burn. Enter Will. He rushes to her side. "Teresa," gasps Carmella. We can't see her face. They obviously haven't done the makeup yet. It will be a real measure of Will's character if he still wants to date the disfigured Carmella. I don't think he will. He'll probably turn his attentions to Rosetta and she'll realise what a heel he is and write something derogatory in her journal. Man, that thing must be a riveting read.

Hospital. Sky's still in labour. The smoke alarm goes off and so do the lights. The emergency services arrive. The sirens sound like the noise that Sky's been making on and off the whole episode. Everyone's hurrying out. There's smoke everywhere. Karl pokes his head out of Sky's room. He's wearing those plastic safety goggles like you used to get in chemistry and woodwork lessons. Must be a messy, potentially hazardous business. "Just one more push, you can do it! ... OH NO!! I'VE GOT AMNIOTIC FLUID IN MY EYES! I'M BLIND! If only I was wearing my safety specs!" External shot. Wow. The fire's pretty intense. So much for keeping Sky calm. Janelle wants to go back in, but is persuaded not to when Will arrives with Carmella in his arms. Good to see he hasn't dumped her just yet. In all the confusion Stingray slips inside the hospital and Janae sees him.

The baby's been born. It's a beautiful baby girl. Sky knew it would be. The baby is hurriedly put into the incubator. For a premature baby, it looks pretty big. The room is filling with smoke. The baby's name is Kerry. She and Sky are wheeled out into the corridor and away from the fire.

Another part of the hospital. The fire's been contained in the east wing. Kerry was taken to the ICU for a checkup, but she's fine so she's waiting for Sky in a room. She's been left all alone. With both the Baby Seller and a drunken Stingray wandering around somewhere I don't for a moment imagine that she'll still be in there. But, we'll see. Sky is wheeled into the room and, what a surprise! the baby is missing. Sky is understandably pretty upset about that. Karl looks more gormless than he usually does. What a load of incompetent fools. I hope Sky sues them. Credits.

Was it the Baby Seller or Stingray? I'd plump for the latter. If it was the former, then poor little Kerry is probably on eBay by now. The annoying thing is that they'll probably not even mention this storyline tomorrow. They'll want to catch us up on other plot developments with Poo Poo Stinker, Bree and Rachel and the hunt for Max Hoyland. I think we just used up an entire month's worth of action in one episode. It'll probably be comedy and light relief for a bit now. I can hardly contain myself.